Modern Male Behavior Is All Women's Fault!

Listen ladies, before you tie me up and burn me at the stake, make sure you read this article until the very end. I’m not necessarily saying male behavior is all your fault, but rather, it’s collectively women’s fault ingeneral. If you’re sick and tired of the insane things men do (um, I am!), then this article is for you. It’s important to remember that just one woman cannot single handedly change all men and their inappropriate behavior, but there are things that you as an individual can do to stop this craziness. Just imagine if all women starting working together to stop the unacceptable things men do! Let's start right now.

If You are the Mother of Boys...

Conditioning men begins from the very moment of birth. A mothers’ job is to teach her children and convey all the knowledge she has learned to prepare them for life as an adult. I’ve been blessed to have wonderful boys, but they certainly didn't get that way by accident. One thing I can tell you is that men are really just boys… only bigger. So you can apply some of these tactics on a grown man. HA! Every mundane moment can be turned into a learning opportunity to teach your boy the right way he should behave. The trick is to find these moments and use them to your benefit! It takes a tremendous amount of effort and patience, but I can assure you, it is totally worth it.

1. Repetition Works.

Sometimes saying the same thing over and over again can drive a mother insane. But studies show that this is how to ingrain wisdom in your little guy. If I had a dollar for every time I say: “Please flush the toilet!” or “Don’t hit your brother!” I’d be a multi-millionaire. But I keep saying it. The trick is to not say it in anger (easier said then done I know!) Save your true anger for something that really matters (like when they are doing something that is potentially dangerous). If you're always screaming at him for every little thing, then he's going to just tune you out. Btw, men do this too!

2. Give Good Reasons.

So besides repeating myself I give good reasons for saying what I’m preaching. In the case of the toilet flushing I say: “It’s really rude for the next person to have to see your crap and the bathroom is starting to stink. Please be polite to the next person using the bathroom and flush it down.” Or “How would you feel if your brother hit you for no reason at all? I bet you wouldn’t like it just like he doesn’t like it right now.” This gets them to see things from someone else’s point of view. Trust me, if you hadn’t pointed it out and forced him to see it another way, most likely he wouldn’t.

3. Don’t Baby Him.

Don’t Baby Him. Okay, there are exceptions here, like if he’s an actual baby. But oftentimes mothers do things for their children that they can do for themselves. For example; one day my youngest son was old enough to start taking turns with his brother to sit in the front seat of my car. Yet he was still insisting that I dress him every morning. One day I said: “If you’re old enough to sit in the front seat like a big boy, then you’re old enough to get yourself dressed.” He balked, but I haven’t put his pants on again for him since that day.

4. Use Positive Reinforcement.

All children do terrible things, and sometimes it is necessary to punish them. But it’s important to save your most severe punishments for those things that are totally unacceptable. As I always say, it’s important to pick your battles. Save punishment as a last resort, it will always have a greater impact if it is used less frequently. For other minor infractions, I simply tell them what they did was wrong and exactly why.

What has worked better for me in raising boys is to praise them for what they do right. And go over the top if necessary. (Again, this works with grown men too). In one instance, my son held the door for our neighbor exiting the building. I told him enthusiastically that he was “such a good boy” and he was “a complete gentlemen.” I even gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him how much the neighbor probably appreciated his kind gesture. I went on praising him for several minutes. He was totally beaming and now he holds the door for people whenever he can. (As an added bonus, his brother witnessed the whole thing and now does this too!)

5. Let Him Be Independent

This is a super hard one for the over protective mother. I’m a little guilty of this myself. But once you’ve taught him everything you can, you need to loosen the reigns a little. At some point your job as a teacher is finished. You may never know when that moment is, but it’s true that there is a small window of time with which you are able to be an influence on your child. Set some guidelines and let him be independent… a little at a time. If he proves he can be responsible, you can give him more freedom. My boys are teenagers now, and I give them enough rope to hang themselves, (metaphorically speaking), although I’m always right behind them with some scissors to cut them down and save their ass. My oldest son is leaving for college tomorrow. Sigh. But I can safely say that he is more than ready. He's responsible, independent, has high moral values and is a complete gentleman.

6. Teach Him the Value of Money

It’s a parents duty to provide everything that a child needs i.e. food, clothing, and shelter. And it’s not a bad thing to shower them with gifts on their birthday and the holidays. The problem arises when a grown man hasn’t learned the value of money and expects everything handed to him on a silver platter. I give my boys an allowance in exchange for doing chores. If they want something beyond what I’ve given them, they have to pay for it. First, they count up the money they have in their wallet. Then we go to the store (Target was a favorite!) and he picks something out. I help him figure out if he has enough to pay for it and exactly how much he will have left over. Then I make him pay the cashier himself.

Sometimes this takes a while and the people behind us in line can get somewhat annoyed. But no son of mine will be living off someone else when he’s a grown adult…

7. Give him a Glimpse of the Future

This might be a hard concept to convey to a teenager but a mother needs to prepare her son for what’s to come. I’ll say things like “Someday when you have a family of your own to support” or “You can make your own decisions when you move out and pay your own bills.” This gives him the time to mentally prepare. He knows what’s coming in the future. Unless, of course, you plan on supporting his lazy ass forever…

If you're just dating a guy...

BUT LET’S GET TO WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT!

Why I believe that your man’s behavior might be your fault (or the fault of other women he’s dated or his mother, natch.) Like raising a son, you must let him know what is acceptable to you and what is not, early on.

SO, If you’re just dating a guy this is where things can get really complicated. You're not his mother or his wife or even his girlfriend at this point. But that shouldn't stop you from clearly stating what your needs and boundaries are.

It's starting to seem like dating in the modern world is like walking through a minefield. One wrong step and BOOM! Disaster. There are no rules about anything, so stop thinking that a man has to follow any. A man will do whatever he can get away with. Read that last sentence again. Your “job” as his date (or a woman in his life) is to train him about what is acceptable to you, and what is not. And it’s easier than you think.

1. Stop Putting up with Crap

What you allow, is what will continue. If you let him get away with some nefarious behavior once, you better believe that he thinks he can get away with that again and again.

For example, if it bothers you that your date cancelled at the last minute for the third time in a row, don't let this slide. It's the third time after all! Since you are just dating and neither are committed to the other, it might be difficult to determine how you should convey your disappointment. My suggestion would be to ignore him. The next time he calls, don’t answer, you’re busy. If he tries to arrange yet another date, tell him that you’re not willing to put anything on the calendar because of the last three times he cancelled. Be cold. If you do decide to see him again (after a prolonged absence), he’ll be very well aware that that shit just doesn’t fly with you.

It's important to communicate your needs and boundaries with him early on in this potential relationship. I once dated a guy that always wanted me to meet him somewhere and never picked up the phone to call me. So many things get lost in translation over text. I told him that for me to continue seeing him he needed to call (occasionally) and pick me up for dates. I'm a lady after all. When he failed to do both of these things, I stopped seeing him. BUT, I communicated my needs to him first, in the nicest way possible, to see if he could follow through.

2. Don’t make Excuses for Him

There are rare instances when a man’s excuse is actually valid. But if he’s constantly “busy with work” or “out of town” or “tired,” there might be something else going on here… he’s just not interested in you! If a man truly wants to be with you he will crawl over broken glass just to make that happen. An occasional excuse is fine, everyone is human. But if you find yourself constantly making excuses for him, ask yourself why? Don’t be afraid to walk away! This man will probably just cause you heartbreak down the road. The longer you hang around, the more your heart might break when it ends…

3. Let Him be the Man

Listen, men are hunters by nature. They actually want to work hard to obtain the prize. Anything that he's had to really work for automatically makes it more valuable. If you are the one constantly reaching out to him, you’re not giving him the chance to “be the man.” Let him call you. Let him make plans for your dates. Let him open the door for you. Let him pay the bill and say thank you. Take his jacket he’s offering you when you are cold. Remember, men are attracted to feminine energy which is passive, soft, and alluring. This means you need to just be, and avoid the need to feel like you always need to do. That’s his job.

4. Don’t be his Mommy

Nothing is a bigger turn off to a man than a woman trying to “be his mommy.” He already has a mommy, and he doesn’t need another one. Don’t cook or clean for him. Don’t tell him what he should or shouldn’t be doing. And for heaven’s sakes don’t tell him to stop and ask for directions! Bite your tongue if necessary… you’ll get there eventually. As his date you must let him retain his masculine dignity. Unless you don't plan on ever seeing him again...

5. Date Other Men

You may be totally in love with this guy and are convinced he’s your future husband or soulmate or whatever. But has he given you any clues that he feels the same way? Has he asked you to be exclusive and not date anyone else? Don’t assume anything. Continue to date other men until he has made it crystal clear that you are the one for him. By not putting your all eggs in one basket, you won’t become needy or clingy if he retreats a little bit (and all men do this at some point). You have other men calling you anyway! Unless you have a ring on your finger, you should be keeping your options open.

6. Don’t be a Doormat

Men crave a woman who’s a challenge. Don’t always agree to everything he says. Stay true to yourself and your opinions. You’re entitled to them! Don’t ever just drop everything to go and see him. If you have plans with your girlfriends, don’t cancel them. If he really wants to see you he will learn to make plans in advance to make sure you’re available. It's also wise not to invite him to join in on your plans in the early stages. He needs to earn that right to meet your friends and family and he can do that by showing up consistently with honest, loyal intentions.

7. Use Stories to Convey Your Desires

Never tell a man up front what you expect from him, especially on the first few dates. When he asks why it didn’t work out with the last guy you dated, use this opportunity to tell scenarios of moments that you dealt with something you simply will not put up with. For example, you could mention that it didn’t work out with the last guy you dated because he was always late picking you up for dates. This is inadvertently telling him that he should never be late when picking you up for a date. Don’t use names and please don’t go into cringe worthy details. The stories don’t even have to be true. He’ll know right up front what your deal breakers are. Also, be careful about talking too much about exes or bashing them. This makes you look petty and bitter or worse, that you're not over your ex. The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference. He doesn’t need to know the whole story… keep a little mystery.

When You're Married...

Do you think training a man is over once you're married? Think again. Training men doesn’t (and shouldn’t!) end once you’re married. If you've followed my advice so far, by the time you walk down the aisle he should have a very clear picture of what you will never put up with. To keep your hubby in line you need to be constantly reminding him to keep his behavior appropriate. And I’m not talking about nagging. That doesn’t work. It’s easy to convey what it is that you desire, but it’s the way you say it that makes all the difference.

Here’s an example: “You never call me from work!” sounds very different from this: “I really love it when you take a few minutes out of your day to call me and see how my day is going. It makes me feel so special.” If you use “I” instead of “You” it’s way less accusatory. Instead of "You never take out the trash!" say, "I feel like I have to do everything around the house and I'm starting to feel taken for granted." Resist the urge to raise your voice over something so petty as trash. Essentially you are saying the same thing: You want him to call you from work occasionally and take out the trash. BUT, notice the difference? It’s all in the delivery. Choose the right words (and tone of voice) so as not to come off as offensive. Again, instead of saying "you" (sounds very accusatory and his defenses will be up) say "I feel bad/ unloved/ unappreciated when you _____. Practice in front of a mirror if necessary or run it by a trusted girlfriend. This one little change will make all the difference.

1. Always Have His Back

Believe it or not, the majority of men cheat not because they are not sexually satisfied, it’s simply because they don’t feel like their wife is supportive of them. Always support him. Never take sides against him, even for a family member (unless you want to get divorced). You can disagree with his actions or opinions, but never do this in public. If you find that you simply can’t be supportive of him, his career, his dreams and goals, then maybe you shouldn’t be married to this man. There are plenty of others out there…

2. Don’t be Afraid to Walk Out

Most married women will let their husband get away with inappropriate behavior because they’re too afraid to be alone. They might be insecure and feel that they're too old to start over. Let me tell you something honey, being single is not a disease and it certainly doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. I'm single myself, and by choice, simply because I haven't meet the right one for me (yet). My personal belief is that you're better off alone than with the wrong guy. But I get it, maybe there are children and joint finances involved. If this is the case, walking out doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of the relationship. Just checking into a hotel for a few days or heading off to visit a dear friend in another city is enough to make your point.

3. Don't Reinforce Bad Behavior

If your husband is continuously cheating on you and you always take him back, then you are the one that is reinforcing this behavior. I'm not saying there aren't instances where you can and should forgive him, once. If you let him get away with this behavior more than once, you're actually reinforcing that this is okay for you. Is that what you want? A relationship without trust and loyalty in my mind is not worth the struggle. Get a divorce and go find yourself a man that will love and adore you and will always be faithful because he wouldn't want to risk losing you. Believe it, he is out there.

While every woman is different, decide before you go out on any dates, what you want your love life to look like. Make a list of what your needs and boundaries are. For example my needs are lots of sex, ample alone time, and complete, brutal honesty. My boundaries that cannot be crossed are being disloyal, disrespected, any kind of emotional abuse... well, my list is much longer than this but you get the idea. I've walked away from plenty of men that I was head over heels in love with simply because my needs were not being met. Trust me, it's painful, but I love myself more. But here's the deal, the more you walk away from the wrong man, the easier it gets.

As I mentioned before, the most important take away from this article is...What you allow is what will continue. We're all in this together ladies.