'Not able to be found because it is not in its expected place.'
I don't quite know where else to start other than... I miss you. You were a piece of my heart that seemed to chip off and disappear. I feel irritated by your absence, I'm not quite sure what to do with myself, I don't know whether to hide under the covers and bury myself from the world or keep myself busy to the point of combustion. I never realised how much I needed you until you were gone. I took you for granted and now look where I am.
When I think about how things used to be before you disappeared and left me, I get a lump in my throat as though I can't swallow, as though I am unable to breathe, as though I have forgotten what it's like without this unwelcome feeling, and then all of a sudden the tears come streaming down my face, not only because I know you're not here but because I remember the happy times and know they are never to be had again.
It's hard to come by someone like you every day, I know things will get better... they have to, but right now I will sit here, in silence, thinking of how much you mean to me, thinking of how much I loved you, thinking of how you have gone.
Somehow it seems fine to accept that what has happened isn't real and that it is all just a dream, that someday soon, I will wake up and you will be right by my side once again.
I know you will always watch over me and be proud that I have moved on with my life and got stronger as the days go on and haven’t let what happened affect me. In truth, it will always affect me but because I know that myself moving on and living life to the full will make you happy, that's my mission. My mission to carry on and enjoy the life I have and that suddenly ended for you. I will live my life for you, I will live my life for me, in hope that one day that what ever comes after death, I will see you again.
There we go again, that lump in my throat has appeared and the tears have started collecting ready to fall.
I suppose I’m just not ready to accept what has happened yet, it is still a fresh wound; I just need time to heal.
It’s never easy losing someone or something you love. You always seem to have the thought that each time it happens, its bound to get easier. It doesn’t. It’s the same every time. One minute you think you're fine, the next you crumble and fall. But one thing I have learnt is, it's okay to stop, it's okay to cry, it's okay to remember you and get the unwelcome feeling because we are all human and if crying helps us cope, if laughing helps us cope, thats okay because we are human.
Some times I like to think you're sat next to me. It’s comforting to think you're still there and I smile in remembrance of all the great moments we have had.
I just want you to know that even though I didn’t say it always… I love you, I always have, I always will, and no one can ever take that away no matter what happens in life.
It feels better having spoken about how I feel, it seems to take away the sting. Maybe Ido will do this more often, just to help me get better and know that I’m going to be okay.