Me Flying Through the Clouds – The Nightmare That Has No End

A few weeks ago, I had a dream while sleeping at night. It was a nightmare - with lots of blood in it. I did not like my dream. It was really a big nightmare. Why do I have these nightmares lately? What on Earth do I deserve to have scared nightmares? Is there any reason I get those nightmares?

I was so shaky when I woke up in the morning. I wanted to start writing. It was at five and still dark. I tried to recapture the dream, but it also was my wake-up time, and I was still confused. So, I was a bit flabbergasted that I had this nightmare. It was surreal when I woke up. I had ‘to land’ first before preparing myself for the day. I sat on the side of the bed, and I sighed deeply, trying not to wake up other people at home.

Amazing big eyes, I got dressed up for the day. I slowly walked downstairs – and silently – as nobody may wake up at five in the morning, turned on the lights in the living room, made my favourite black coffee, and laid the laptop on the kitchen table. Shaking my head, I was terrified anybody could be at home and stealing stuff or something. Was that my sign? Am I too afraid for life? Have I done something wrong in life that I need to learn something?

While brewing my coffee, I sighted deeply again and looked out of the window, and I tried to recapture my nightmare. I felt tired after my nightmare. Where does my nightmare come from? Did I deserve this nightmare? Is this nightmare my next lesson in life?

Recalling the nightmare of that night, I now think I have to learn some kind of lesson.

I was in the clouds, flying somewhere. I sat on something square a-like technology thing, going through the air and some many beautiful and satisfying clouds I saw; blue and white together. I was calling a particular someone while I flew. I was calling while sitting on my phone. Calling that important someone – I do not remember which person that was – that said to me: “I know that this concert is important and I can make a huge career out of it, but I don’t want to do this. It doesn't fit with my lifestyle.” The voice was dark, a little bit means as well. At the same time, I heard a voice. That voice sounds familiar.

I don’t remember what that person was talking about. To me, it was just rambling about everything coming to this person mind, telling me what to do. Then suddenly, that person - still calling me on the phone - tried to convince me to do a particular concert. I hold onto my statement: “No, I am not going to change my lifestyle.” When that person – I don’t know his name – became very angry. It threatened me doing something worse to me: “If you don’t do what I’m telling you to do, then something will happen to you!”

Thinking about the statement of the calling person, I shivered heavily while I got my big mug of coffee in my hands. Watching people – yes! At five in the morning – cycling through the village. The window in my kitchen was not clean, and still, after five years of living in this house, I haven't hung curtains in the kitchen (which I'm ashamed of, by the way - I don't want prying eyes in the house, but then I'll have to do something for it myself, right?!). Anyways, sipping my coffee, I wanted to place my feelings of what just happened in my nightmare. I have to place this nightmare. I thought it was my fault I had this nightmare. Is my past the reason I got this nightmare?

I stepped from the technology aeroplane phone onto a rug – in the air – that flew off in the air after hanging up with that important person. The rug opened in the middle of the object, smoke came from under it. I couldn’t see anything that was under the rug when the smoke came into my face. It smells so odd, a bit like sweet, but also like grass, with a bit of cola.

After – it seems – eternity, some sort of a drake jumps out of the smoke, driving on a train, and that train stops just right in front of me. The green with purple and pink drake opened its mouth, which stuck out his great long thin tongue. He licked his lips with his tongue. In a second he jumped on me, and I saw all blood in front of my eyes. Thinking of my hands as a violinist, I checked them out if nothing had happened to my hands, but my hands were gone, and I started crying all the time.

What are the lessons I need to learn from this nightmare? Is this nightmare a lesson I need to learn? Do I need to change something in my lifestyle?

Did I see a movie I was scared of, and now it comes all out?

Sipping another one from my coffee, I shook my head, and I sat behind the laptop: I begin to write. I wanted to have control over my feelings. And I had nothing to give it feelings of some kind of control at that time. I didn’t like that at all. What would you do when you don’t have control over your emotions and feelings?

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Where does the nightmare come from?

I have no idea where this nightmare came from. It could be from a negative past of mine. I had been bullied, sexually abused, manipulated and gaslit, and it might have to do something with it. Did I have placed my feelings in my heart from the past?

I thought this nightmare came out of the blue without any reason. But all the blood and the calling person told me: “If you don’t do what I’m telling you to do, then something will happen to you!”

So, someone on the phone was threatening me. I said to that calling person: “I know that this concert is important and I can make a huge career out of it, but I don’t want to do this. It doesn't fit with my lifestyle.”, and later I said: “No, I am not going to change my lifestyle.”

In my nightmare, I have said that I am not going to change my lifestyle and that I understand that something could help my career, but I never would change who I am, and how I will live my life. Something I never have would do in the past in real life, and I stuck to my answer.

Did I deserve this nightmare?

Sometimes, still after a few weeks, I wonder if I deserve this nightmare. This nightmare still bothers me. I am not a person that wonders why, but now I do. I have been through therapy a lot, and I am still in therapy sessions. But my past is still hanging around me, but am I already moving forward and giving it place into my heart too?

It might be the reason, that I have listened to my heart instead of going along with others' opinions, and ideas of how life should be?

Also, I realised that this nightmare was my life lesson, and see how important it is to embrace the past, but also learn what I can do better and that I am stronger than I think I am.

Therapy sessions

In 2019, I started my first therapy sessions. This young man knew exactly what was going on and that I didn't speak about something that I have been through in my past. He asked me the right questions. With this therapist, I dare to speak about the past; my past. I never dare to speak about the past with anyone else.

Once we talked about the fact that I might have nightmares that could refer to my past. A nightmare doesn’t have to happen immediately after you spoke about it with your therapist, but it could be once in a while.

Until a few weeks ago, I didn't have nightmares. At the same time, I told him: “What a human being can all handle in its life!” He agreed. Because of him, I got more hope than I already had been in the past, and I thought I was. I also realised I am a stronger person than I already was and never believed I would ever be.

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About the writer

Agnes Laurens is a writer. She writes for the local newspaper. Agnes lives in The Netherlands, with her husband and three daughters. You can find her on Vocal, Medium, Elephant Journal, HubPages, Music List. Writing is — aside from playing the violin — one of her passions since childhood. She is on Twitter and Instagram. You can subscribe to my mailing list, and you can subscribe to my Thoughts. Check out her books. She has an online web store, and she has a merchandise store. If you want to be informed about my online store and my merch, please follow this link.