Married by September 2021, Entry #2

January 17, 2021

My wedding date is in 247 days...and I still don't know who the groom will be. Call me crazy, but this is my journey to marriage.

I admit that I never thought in a million years that I would be two years away from 40 with no real relationship. I figured I would be married soon after law school. In my mental vision board, I lived a life of passionate love starring a beautiful, successful black man and me, pregnant with our first of three children before my 30th birthday. That was the plan. Alas, plans get derailed, relationships fail, hearts break, and clocks keeps ticking.

So here we are. Here I am.

Yesterday I flew to DC, my hometown, to visit with family and throw my youngest sister a baby shower. Surprisingly, the baby shower planning has not been depressing for me. My sister is ten years younger. She shared her baby bump photos the other day and she looked stunning. Seeing her in all of her pregnancy glow really made me that much certain that I want to be a mother too one day.....

One day. That has to be one of the emptiest promises of life. One day. One day you will meet "him." One day he will ask you to be his wife. One day he will show you the same love that you've given him. One day his actions will match his words. One day you will stop missing him. One day this painful moment will be just a funny memory.

Anyway, I'm happy for my sister. One day, I want to be happy for myself too. According to a message in my dreams, I will be before the end of 2021. September 21, 2021 is the date I will be married, yet I have no clue to whom I will be committing my life. From the looks of my current catalogue of men who I am "dating," it could be any one of them or none of them.

I decided not to focus so much on that part. I know it sounds laughable since the groom is literally the most important aspect of a marriage but hear me out. I am absolutely, positively, unbelievably exhausted with pining over the men who jump in and out of my life! I'm giving that part up to my Creator. Seriously, I obviously suck at choosing and/or recognizing the good ones, so my Creator is gonna have to work one of those miracles and literally drop this man in my lap. Heck, He may have to drop him in my lap with the engagement ring already in hand for me to recognize the guy. Even then, I'm likely to doubt his motives. See what I mean, I'm not the sharpest tack in the box when it comes to the love conversation. Nevermind the fact that I actually have the word "Love" tattooed on the back of my right shoulder. When it comes to finding, keeping, nurturing real romantic love with a man, I am all the way at the back of the class. So, I'm not going to drive myself crazy staring at a physics equation when I obviously haven't learned my times table. Leave it to Him!

For today, my focus is on the dress. That's right, I am not engaged nor even in a relationship, and I am shopping for a wedding dress. I swear I'm not insane. Why not be prepared when the opportunity arises, right? According to my dream a few months ago, that opportunity is brewing as we speak. It makes perfect sense to at least have an idea about my dress.

First things first, I am NOT wearing white. I'm 38 years old. That jig is up. I think a lovely champagne hue would be more appropriate.

Second, strapless dresses make my underarm fat pop like a muffin top. I am so not interested in looking back on photos of my big day and all I see is the flaws of my body.

Speaking of my body, I am quite a curvaceous dish. Accordingly, I want every inch perfectly accentuated in my dress. When that man sees me coming down the aisle, I want his heart to race between fairytale, romantic jitters, deep, spiritual love, and hot, passionate lust. Me in a perfectly fitted satin dress will confirm for him in that moment that he is the luckiest man in the world to be getting ready to marry me.

That is the best part of a wedding: the moment he sees his wife-to-be coming down the aisle. The look on his face says it all. Their eyes connect and confirm for each other that they've made the choice to choose each other every day forever and no matter what kind of curveballs life throws. I'm looking forward to that moment. It's only 247 days away.