March 19, 2020

Mistakes

I think I will always look back on this time and wonder if I made a mistake. Part of me will always be curious about what I would have done if I didn’t end up coming to DC with him. I think part of me will also always wonder if things could have ever worked out with Cameron. I will probably forever wonder if I could’ve ever truly made it in New York or if it would have taken a toll on my spirit and soul. I will probably also always wonder if I would have liked DC if I didn’t come during a pandemic. Would it have the same sparkle? Would I still be impressed?

I will always be curious if I wasn’t still in love with him if I would have stayed? Now I wonder if it wasn’t for my job, would I still want to be here? But honestly, who really fucking cares.

March 19, 2020

Day 6 of the Pandemic

It always paralyzes me how quickly things change. People change, the world changes, fashion trends change, the weather changes. Some of these changes happen over a period of time. A period of time that doesn’t feel too sudden or challenging to deal with. While other times, change can occur suddenly and out of nowhere. This change feels like the latter. It was sudden and abrupt. It was startling and came with absolutely no directions on how to react. When the weather changes, we can adapt. We can carry an umbrella with us to work when it rains, we can wear a coat to keep us warm when it snows, we can wear shorts when it’s hot outside. When something that has never occurred before happens, it is difficult for us to automatically know how to react. We are creatures of habit, and more importantly, in today's age we are used to being able to google the answer to every question we have. When the pandemic hit it was hard for us to react to the change that occurred because we didn’t know the right answer. One minute we were all enjoying life outdoors and in cramped restaurants, the next we are clinging to the little bits of normalcy in our everyday lives. No one could have predicted this type of change. No one could have predicted the best way to react to it either. The reactions to it did make it clear though that humans dislike big changes very much. At least I know that I do.

I moved to New York in October for a job at a Law Firm on Wall Street. My dream in life was always to move to New York. I didn’t want to move to New York just for the incredible bagels or with the dream of someday living in an apartment near The Met. I moved here with the dream of being happy and of finding a place that feels like home. I dreamed of finding a place where I felt as though I belong. Within a matter of a few months, I was close to that goal. I was the happiest I had ever been, I finally found a small apartment for me and my cat Vincent to live in, and I was close to dating the guy of my dreams. At that moment in time, I felt as though I made it. I was fairly happy. I was making enough money to pay for a yearly membership to The Met, coffee from Starbucks almost everyday, money to pay for my train rides to and from work and enough money to sustain still going to Trader Joes for my groceries. I was surviving in New York City, alone, and younger than I ever imagined I would be in the City.

One moment my life was consistent and steady. I had planned out the next few months of my life with visits from friends to holidays and birthdays. All of that came crashing down in a matter of days. The world I have worked so hard to construct for myself is falling apart before my eyes. I’m not sure where to even begin. I suppose I should start by saying that I am currently being quarantined in my apartment. I think people on social media are calling it “self-isolating”. I’m doing that. I have been in my apartment since Friday night. It has almost been a week now.

Surprisingly, or maybe it’s not surprising, I have gotten very little reading or writing done during this quarantine. I haven’t felt very motivated. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to. I suppose it is just that I am so stressed. It all happened so quickly. The first time I heard about the outbreak was on instagram. It was a meme, of course. Leave it to the world to make a joke of the biggest tragic event in our lifetime. I don’t think any of it really felt like it was happening until a co-worker of mine told me about her family being locked in their homes in Italy. Suddenly it felt so real. Those were real people being affected by this. I began to worry about when it is going to spread to New York. It was only a matter of time. The Coronavirus outbreak, to my understanding, started in China. It quickly spread to Italy and surrounding countries. Now it is in the States. It spread quickly in New York. It started in upstate New York, where Chandler lives.

Chandler is one of my closest friends. We met my freshman year of college when I was way less cool and not nearly as confident in myself. We have changed enormously throughout the years. It is crazy to think about sometimes how different we are now. It is even crazier that we have stayed friends. Chandler is one of the reasons moving to New York was so easy for me. He gave me a place to stay and an automatic friend to go on adventures with in the City. We used to walk for miles just touring the streets and seeing the sites. Trying to take it all in. Everything was new and interesting and fascinating to the both of us. I always enjoyed exploring the city with Chandler but the days we spent driving around Port Chester and nearby cities in upstate New York was the most incredible thing. I remember one day we found a lighthouse and that was one of my absolute favorite days ever because I have an immense fascination for lighthouses. We hopped a fence and laughed the whole way to the pier. I felt like a kid again.

Chandler and I were supposed to go to dinner last Saturday, but he texted me saying that given everything that is going on it probably wasn’t a good idea for me to take a train up there. I feel as though I haven’t been able to spend as much time with him as I have wanted to the past few weeks. Work has gotten increasingly more stressful. I’m not sure if it is because I have found myself caring more, or maybe it is the frustration I feel lately because of the lack of immediate change that occurs at the firm. Regardless, I have been stressed and tired. It is hard to make plans to venture out into the busy streets of the city after spending the entire week navigating them. Looking back though, I wish I would’ve just powered through the stress and done more the past few weeks.

Chandler's company went remote and he left for Arizona to be with his family. Within a week from the outbreak in upstate New York, the city became infected. Everything started shutting down. The streets began to clear. There was never a line at Starbucks, there were only a few tourists standing around the Charging Bull statue in front of my office, and there was barely anyone on the usually crowded subways. Everyone was wearing masks and gloves unfashionably. I became nervous that it was only a matter of time before they started shutting down businesses and maybe even the trains in the city. How would I possibly get around if that happened? Not surprisingly, my company decided to transition everyone to working remotely. I recognize that it is a tough time for everyone. Some companies do not have this same luxury, so they had to lay people off when their office shut down. Most restaurants have completely closed down. Leaving servers and chefs out of jobs, with no way to support themselves. Retail stores have almost completely shut down. Courthouses have closed along with most office buildings. The unemployment rate in the states is swiftly rising.

I wish I could fast forward and skip to the part when all of this is over. I want to know that everything is actually going to be okay. I am tired of just saying it without knowing if the world might end tomorrow. I mean that’s a bit dramatic, but at this point I wouldn’t be surprised. I want to skip to the part where we are all allowed to go back to work. I miss the office. I miss riding the subway into the city. I want to hear the normal announcements again. Not the terrifying voice telling us to wear a mask and to wash our hands. I want to go back to The Met again. I didn’t spend enough time there the last time I went. I keep dreaming about it. I keep thinking that there might be a possibility that I might never be able to go back. I know that is just me overreacting though. However, I never thought I would live to see the day when practically the entire world shuts down. I never thought there would be a global pandemic. Anything can happen at this point.

I am starting to get a little scared. I don’t think this is going to be over in two weeks like everyone keeps saying. I am worried about my dad in California. I am worried about my mom, my stepdad, and my brother in Texas. I am worried about all my friends and their families. I am also trying to stay positive. I am trying to make the best of all this free time I have been given. I want to work on writing more. I want to document how I am feeling each day. I would like to finish reading a few books during this time, and maybe rearrange my apartment. I want to find a way to truly disconnect and to evaluate where I am in life and what I hope to accomplish in the next few years. I don’t want to be complacent. I don’t want to feel stuck. I am scared and a little nervous right now.

It’s weird not going outside. Yesterday I took a walk with him. I don’t think I would’ve gone outside if he wasn’t with me. I should probably do that more during this whole quarantine thing. I just wish it was warmer. I also wish I had someone to walk with me every day. I like taking walks with him specifically. Before all of this happened, we would take walks during our breaks at work. They were always nice. They mainly consisted of me venting about my struggles during the day and him patiently listening and giving me his opinion and advice on everything. Sometimes he would tell me a story about his life. I always liked those the most.

I am not entirely sure that I am ready to write about what happened on Saturday yet. I feel guilty for not feeling guilty. I am happy it happened. I’m not sure I can get the right thoughts down to describe exactly what I feel about it all aside from being happy and confused all at once.