Love is Blind

It was the night of October 31,2012, I just started at new job as a server at a kosher restaurant. I met him that night and little did I know my life would never be the same. I finished late that night and was so tired, he was waiting outside and I just walked right by him. I had a boyfriend and I wasn’t interested in talking to anyone. At the time, I was working two jobs and the restaurant was my second job. It wasn’t until I started working full time at the restaurant that I really noticed him. By this time, my boyfriend and I were in the middle of a break up after five years together. He was my escape and he was so cute. I felt free when I was around him. He made me feel good about myself and I knew that I needed a friend.

As the days went on, we talked more and more. One day he asked me to take him home and that was the day it all started. That night we talked all night on the phone. The next night we worked together and I took him home when I got off. Over the next week, we talked back and forth, hung out at work, and decided to hang out that weekend. I took him that Friday and my boyfriend saw me. We had just broken up and it was the hardest break up for me.

I got in a fight with my boyfriend that day. I wanted to let off some steam, so I took him to my house to hang out, but my dad came home only and we got into a fight. It was such a rough day for me, and that night I wanted to get drunk and party. I hung out with him and his friends that night. We went to the beach, hung out, drank beer, laid in the sand and played in the water. He ignored me that night, it was like he couldn’t handle the drama that had happened early that day, but he started to feel sick and I just couldn’t ignore him. He started to talk to me and we started having a good night. I got really drunk and I remember him and his friends fighting me for my keys but I refused. I chose to drive that night.

We made it to a gas station, his friends put gas in my car and he helped me to the bathroom, I was going to be sick. One of my ex’s friends was at the gas station and called my ex to tell him what he saw. As we were leaving the gas station, my ex sent me a text, he wasn’t happy but I didn’t care. That night I stayed with him and we had sex for the first time. I fell in love with him at that moment. It was one of the best nights of my life. We spent the whole next day together, but that night, things changed. Everyone at work knew and he wasn’t happy about it. We fought, he cut me off and we didn’t speak for a week. This was the start of it all. A toxic, abusive relationship that produced two young parents and one very broken-hearted girl.

The next two years were kind of a blur and piecing them together has been hard. Two years full of parties, beating and sex. The first time it happened, he apologized and he said, “it would never happen again, I’m sorry!” He caught me off guard, I was driving when he struck me hard with the back of his hand. My nose started bleeding, I had to pull over. There was so much blood and I wasn’t sure what I had done to make him so mad, but I loved him. So, I knew it was my fault and I couldn’t make him mad again. That night he was so nice to me, we watched a movie together and talked all night. Weeks went by without fighting, then it happened again. He hit me again, it wasn’t expecting it and that’s what he got off on. The element of surprise was like a kid in a candy store.

The abuse continued and I wondered when it would stop or when I would leave him. He loved me when he wanted to and hated me all the time. Then, came the girls, he was always talking to other girls, sending dirty pictures, telling them he loved them, even putting in a relationship status on Facebook. The girls were just the tip of the iceberg. They stalked and harassed me daily, he used me to have phone sex with them and even had me tell some of them off when he didn’t want to be with them anymore.

I put up with this for two years. I always wondered if I would ever get the courage to leave. Could I let him go or would this go on until I really got hurt? I lost my job because of him and at one point, even my home. I was blinded by how much I loved him. I refused to let him go but he was always throwing me away like I was trash. He accused me of cheating, one of his friends claimed they had sex with me while I was high. Him and his friends took advantage of me when I was high because they thought I had no memory from when I was high. I remembered more then, than I do now. Drugs had taken over my life, it was the only way I could deal being with him.

I remember bits and pieces of everything now. I remember the night I cut myself in front of him. We were fighting, so he decided to talk to one of his whores right next to me. While he was on the phone, I went to take a shower. I remember getting high in the bathroom after my shower. I heard him on the phone telling the girl how much he loved her and I lost it. I took a razor and walked out the bathroom, he got off the phone and I remember calling him an asshole. He said to me “What are you going to do? Cut me?” I said “No!” and I cut myself, he laughed and told me to cut deeper next time. I just ran back into the bathroom, I couldn’t believe that somebody I loved so much just didn’t love me the same way. I was a joke to him. The next morning when I woke up, he was having sex with me. It was his way of apologizing without having to say the words. The sex was good with him but it would never make up for the apologies I never got.

The last night he ever abused me was a long night in February of 2014. I went to a club and he decided to show up to the same club. It didn’t end well. When I came back from the club, I got in my car to drive home, but my tires were slashed. He stamped over to his apartment and fought him for the keys to the truck I got for them. He chased me around his house and eventually caught up with me in the street. I grabbed me by my hair and dragged me down the street. One of his friends had to pull him off of me. I was pissed, I walked back to where my car was, called my friend to come pick me up and stood outside smoking a cigarette until my friend got there. When I got home, I popped a couple Xanax and woke up for work the next morning like nothing happened. I walked to work that day, on my way to work, his father texted me apologizing for his son’s behavior. I told him there was no apology for what his son had done and I sent him pictures. Nothing was ever the same after that night, but he never put his hands on me again.

On June 17,2014, I found out I was pregnant. I immediately realized that it wasn’t about me anymore and I decided to keep the baby. He told me it was my problem and begged me for three days to have an abortion. I told him no and he blocked me off his phone. A month went by and he realized he needed to try and be there. He was there until my daughter turned two months old, then he threw a wad of cash in my face and walked out. He has not seen his daughter in almost three years. In the three years since my daughter has been born, I have had to file two police reports and get a restraining order. Nothing worked, until the restraining order, but he still stalks my social media and pretends to be an amazing father.

The best part of this relationship was my daughter and I am glad that I made the right decision to keep him away. I would never let anyone hurt my daughter, especially him. As I write this, I remember back on all that I have been through and realize that I was meant to come out stronger and I have. I got my life together and became a mother to a beautiful baby girl, who loves me, looks up to me and cherishes me. I will be forever grateful for the lessons learned and the gift I received, but I will never again make the mistakes I made in this relationship. I have learned from my mistakes and I hope that I can teach my daughter the same.