LoveBurned

The inevitable will always be the down of the guard. It's the moment you think trust is being rebuilt, the moment severed strings of your connections feel like they fuse back together seamlessly, the moment your love for them seems boundless again... the inevitable... creeps back.

Dear beautiful man, my sweet fair skinned lover, your green eyes take me on journeys. Like the cranberries linger playing on the patio at Leslies at the perfect time and dancing like our moment was written in history before we ever had a chance to know.

During a pandemic. Everyone ordered to stay home. We stepped out in laughter and conversation to a silent evening under string lights and the moon. Whiskey drunk and ready to flame nicotine to sip from. The yard open and blooming with grass and green vines. Leslie and Mike had been out with a Bluetooth speaker playing 90s to 2000s alternative rock. When we stepped out our conversation stopped right as the song began. We both confused at the sudden music but still in goofy happy moods we started dancing with giggles. It felt like a movie.

There are nights I wake to your hands perfectly tangled in mine, 3 squeezes for a silent "I love you". 4 squeezes back to say "I love you too".. My heart wild and rustic leaping like pouncing lions in play. Before the dawn of the day. That is my happiest place. You and love. Bed and pulling me closer. Waking to midnight kisses and sweet cheek sweeps.

But there is always the growl that lurks underneath, the warning swelling up, like a thunders distant rumble, its inevitable.. there will always be a storm, it will always close in, the same as the storm will always come to pass, leaving a promised rainbow, but all signs of violent destruction laid together like a husband and his wife. The love of their lives. Chaos and Peace.

I listen to music of gratitude for the bringing of love so unimaginable. I cry at the words as I picture your smiling eyes, your dancing like a Sims character, your sweet eyelid kisses. But.. Sadly.. I have come to find

... they will never be assigned only to me.

Forgiveness is a tricky thing. So are side bitches. Like... "maybe I forgive him for the damage he brings in hope's my grace is enough to change his heart, to change his mind, to change him.

I think if you love me so deeply, then losing me would light a fine match under your ass to correct the behaviors that will eventually drive me to leave you in the wake of my dust, as I run far away and into the world of a man who cherishes the very ground I walk on. My small slow steps drooled over. The way I express my emotions admired. A simple song from my soul appreciated so deeply its imprinted on his heart for lifetimes to come. My heart that gives and loves even to those that break it, finally handled with the most pristine care, with a match to my need for kisses, conversation, cuddles, and deep connection. My tiny tender hands that cradle his strong rock hard body as if it was the image of a newborn baby. Gentle. Unbiased. Nurture. Far beyond the actions you deserve.

Behind my big brown eyes, sometimes flamed with happy, others spilling out the sad inside; yes there does lie anger, its kept tamed and caged.. but the quickest way to light that wick into a burning explosive blazing inferno is to look at all I am, to feel these tiny tender hands pour love into you, soak up my cotton candy words and dissolve them into your being, allow these kisses to send butterflies, and know all the ways my soul has endured a beat down.. then beat it down further. 3..2..1... Ka-BOOM!

Here I stand every day, fiercely.. Boldly.. standing my ground to give you all of the absolute best parts of love. Loyalty, optimism, genuine admiration for all you are; the good, the great, the bad; the nasty, wicked, and ugly. Caring for your mind and heart like they are the most valuable thing in any dimension. Triple the price of all the money in the world.

I let my guard down because I believe in the best in you.

I am a fool.

There is no better than this.. at least not in you.

No matter how much I want to believe it.

No matter how good things are for a while.

No matter how much faith I keep in the man I found in you in the beginning

I lay next to you as you sleep like a king. No worries, no fear, no discomfort yet.. why am I here with the flame hot enough to melt the sun?

All your broken promises stacking like skyscrapers, all your dishonesty pooling to create its own new ocean.

I feel a knot of nausea as I think of you touching her. Think of you feeding her your energy while you deprive me of my hearts well earned meal of love and devotion.

How could you continue this?

And even into our happy moments?

Even when we piece together the puzzle, little by little...

When the silver lining isn't just a myth.

When the promise of a better us continues to make itself visible?

How could you? And why would you risk it?

Risk me?

I am disgusted.

You disgust me.

I feel sick.

I have come to find I am possessive. But at a certain point that too is inevitable. When you tell me "I'm all yours, you're all mine."

"Nothing can tear us apart baby."

"You are the only one for me."

"I don't want or need anyone else but you."

I get caught in it like a fly in a spider's web: the more I resist and struggle, the tighter the bond.

You plant that mindset into my brain.

You etch your name into my heart.

I want to believe.

In love

In you

In the happy ending.

But this is one of those sad endings, where;

There is no love

You aren't worthy of my belief.

When you leave me unexpectedly, with no words, no kiss.

To take the food I bought you and offer to share it with another woman. To up and leave as I wait to share our meal together.

To tell me I'm crazy for speaking on what you do wrong to me.. then try to flip it unto me as if I am either to blame or I'm the root of the problems.

Riddle me this my handsome lying cheating asshole. Yes my. ...

Would you still be here trying if I did to you all that you've done to me?

No?

Hmmm...

And what is the point? Is it a thrill?

Is it the risk?

Or is it the hope I find it and want to leave you?

And here I have to buy my moments wisely, be strategic in how I let you know I know.

Because one slip of my lips can drive me deeper into the pit of all i have sacrificed for you, all i have put into the field of danger, i am literally stuck. Fuck!

Why now? When the world is surely sick, people dying all around us, our very own lives at risk... you want to put me further through your sick twisted games.

When I can feel every ounce of happiness leaked from me by the second?

After all I have laid out at your feet. My white flags in the air. My resources standing on end?

Am I just a prop in your fun?

Like the dice you roll in craps, simply to see how much you can win over me.

I am just your mouse? The one you pounce and catch in your teeth, the one you swat around with your sharp claws for hours until I am dead. Then you still play with me just for kicks and leave me as a trophy once the life has left me. Cause what fun is chasing a mouse that doesn't run.

What fun is in having it all? The greedy only want more.

You are a liar.

You are a cheat.

The utter disrespect to the forces beyond you that blessed you with a woman like me.

A slap in their face.

A spit at their feet.

To take this woman of pure quality.

This woman that so many men beg to find.

This heart unending. This mind as vast as space. The other beautiful still undiscovered.

The way she leaves you no room to guess your importance.

Her voice that lingers of lullabies and sweet words. Her control and her passion. Her love too big to contain. Her beauty all of its own. Her love for herself. Her creativity. Her straightforward energy. Her gentle nature, and her strength.

To take it all and toss it around carelessly.

Like a ragdoll in the hands of a young toddler.

You ought to be ashamed.