Lost in a fantasy

Today is hard … it’s exhausting. I try not to feel lonely or not to daydream about you, too much. I know, I’m just escaping reality. I always do. Because in my head everything seems more beautiful and more exciting.

It’s like my own movie that I’m directing … that I’m controlling.

A fantasy playing with my heart …

In this movie, I’m happy and feel loved. And you, my love, always play the main character, the hero, the mischief. You’re the reckless thief who steals my heart. Every time, when I close my eyes. Every time, I fall asleep.

You are the anchor of all my fantasies. You are there, in my head. You make my heart race and my soul glow. And it feels so good. You feel so freaking good and so … real.

I see us doing all these things together. We laugh, we talk, we argue, and make up for it. There are secret and stolen kisses. There are grand, romantic gestures to prove our love to each other. There are vulnerable moments when we seek each other’s comfort. We live and breathe. We love and care. We’re having a life together.

It’s wonderful, exciting and … not right. It is not real. It’s just in my head, a fantasy playing with my lonely heart.

It’s like a drug. An addiction, I can’t get rid of. And still… there’s something special Something that I can’t shake. Something that sparks a glimpse of hope.

There’s this deep feeling of connection. I feel like we belong together. Like we’re meant to be. Like we’re linked by destiny.

It’s a golden bond between our hearts that glows in the night and guides me through the darkness of my mind.

Are you real?

But is this connection real? Or is it part of my fantasy? Is my mind making it up?

It’s true and authentic because I’m feeling it deep down in my soul. Every time, when I look at you, when I see you smile, I know we belong together. The colour of your eyes matches mine. My hand fits perfectly in yours and we share something that is beyond this world. It’s like we’ve known each other for eternity. Like we’re lovers from another life. Like … we’ve always been lovers in different lifetimes, just waiting to find each other.

And when you know, you know, right?

There’s this moment of truth. This moment of realisation. This CLICK deep down in your soul, knowing that we’re one. Our love is true like the stars at the night sky.

No, it’s wrong. I just want it to be that. It’s just in my head and I’m closing myself off. I’m building a wall with your image on it around my heart, pretending only you are allowed in there. Only you are the owner of my heart. No one else.

But who am I kidding except myself? It’s a god damn fantasy and I still can’t shut it off. I can’t get rid of you. I tried. I tried to forget about you and tell myself it’s just a little crush. It’s not real. I just need someone to feel something … because it’s been so long since I felt like that.

But right now – and I’m almost crying while writing that – I realize that I’m lost. That I’m lost in my head. Lost in the daydream with you. Lost in this romance that never happened and that might never happen …

I’m lost.

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I using you to protect my heart? And when did I actually fall for you? When did this crush become love?

It hurts. It’s hurting so much as this bittersweet realisation reveals itself. Tears are in my eyes, but I’m fighting them down. I won’t cry. Not over someone who just exists in my head … who I don’t even know.

But the truth is that I don’t really want this bubble to burst. I don’t want this fantasy to end. Even, if it’s wrong. I can’t imagine my life without it anymore.

Who am I without you?

And then I’m asking myself with bitterness in my heart, how can someone fall for another one without even knowing them? How can I be in love with you? How can I feel all this? How can it feel so real and why does it hurt so much?

I’m so confused. I’m so torn. I’m not even sure, if I’m in love with you or with the fantasy I created for myself. Because how can I know how you’d react, what you’d say or what you’d even do?

That’s so ridiculous. Isn’t it?

This itching of truth

But the worst part about this is that there’s still this little feeling in my soul. This itching that all this might be true. That this is going to happen. That we’re going to happen.

It’s crazy, right?

Whatever it is, I’m sorry that you are thrown into this without asking. But lucky me you’ll never read that and you might never know that somewhere on this planet there’s a woman sitting in a cafe and writing a love (?) letter to you because she thinks you two belong together.

I feel so torn. So lost right now.

Lost in this fantasy with you. Lost in your words. In your warm embrace.

And then I open my eyes, fresh air fills my lungs. I feel alive and I know somewhere in this world, there’s you. Looking at the same blue sky. And that somehow gives me hope in all my sorrows and worries.