The simple truth of it is that it was beautiful, so beautiful, and new, and exciting, and doomed from the start... but how was I to know?
This was it, first year of college, highschool boyfriend long broken up with, first vacation on my own, and it was Christmas Day. I was at a party, it was typical, it was boring, but he was neither of those. As I was getting a drink I heard a deep yet soft voice say, "Merry Christmas," when I turned to see who the owner of this voice was he continued, "these things suck, don't know why I keep coming to them... but now, now I don't regret it as much." I laughed, it was cheesy but he was cute and peaked my interest. We talked long into the night, we exchanged information and continued talking after we went our separate ways, we talked and did not stop talking for a single day for the next two years. I am getting ahead of myself there though.
About three or four days after our initial meeting, he texted me saying we needed to have a serious talk. We met up that night. There was a lot of silence, until finally he blurts out, "I can't understand it, it feels odd and fast and.. and.. I'm sorry if it scares you but.... I love you. Your smile and your eyes and your laugh and.. you're infectious. I love it, I love you." What? No, this happens in movies, this is not real, no. But it was. I thought about it, I mean, I liked him but I did not love him. I had never been in love before. Did I even know what it meant to be in love? He understood, he laughed and we kissed and we agreed to be exclusive.
Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder
The day we parted ways was more than difficult. He lived much further than a simple car ride away and we both knew we would not be seeing each other for some time. This must have been one of the most difficult plane rides of my life, up to that moment. The uncertainty, the long wait until his flight also landed and we could continue our romance via text.
To my, what I like to pretend was, surprise I received an arsenal of messages, voice notes, gifs, and other things I fail to remember as soon as I landed. This is it, I have found the perfect man. How naïve. How desperate to be in love I was.
Second semester started shortly after this. I told friends about him, I boasted about him, I was head over heels about him. I can never remember the exact timeline of it but a month or so into the relationship I told him I loved him back. He was ecstatic to say the least. This made me even happier and more trusting. This was a weird feeling for some reason, and for some reason my gut told me not to be so trusting so quickly. This led to one of my moments which I regret the most for a few reasons. Mainly due to what I learned through doing this.
A friend of mine had been through a string of rough relationships and immediately agreed that we should see how loyal my boyfriend was to me. She set up an account, she was gorgeous, she found an account of his and started talking to him, flirting, showing me everything. Not even a few hours of texting later he was calling her babe, baby, honey, cutie. This hurt and I confronted him. But I was naïve and he was a smooth talker so I got over it.
We fought over this a few times, we became an on-and-off couple, but would still talk when we were off. It became routine. Yeah, I was stupid, I wanted to be in love and this was just easy to do after a while.
I would get angry easily because he was always distracted when we talked on the phone or video chatted, he was texting and he obviously was not texting me. If I ever asked he would nonchalantly say it was a friend of his who was a girl. This would cause a fight. We would break up. I was weak, we would get back together. And the cycle goes on and on.
Face to Face
Throughout the distance we still saw each other. Safe to say a lot of money was invested into this relationship. I put so much time and effort into it, I planned for the future and we both agreed to move in together after my studies. We picked a country and said that by next year we would be living there together. It was good, it was safe, it was finally coming together, everything felt okay again just like at the beginning.
When we would get together in person we would watch movies, go out, do as many couple-y things we could do with the time we had. It was fun and exciting and new every time.
Parting was the most difficult thing to do, no matter how many times it would never get any easier, there would never be a dry eye. That made the train ride back home interesting, having the business men and university students who were all tired and stress stare at you while you wiped the snot dripping from your nose and tried to tame your puffy eyes. I never understood why I cried so much. Maybe I thought each time was the last goodbye; well at least one of those times I was correct.
Broken Hearts, Open Minds
I loved him, I loved him, I loved him, I knew I did because how else could I have invested two and a half years of my life into this relationship if I did not love him? But it came to a point where I could not do this anymore. It was too much. He was too much, or... maybe I was too much? No, he was too much. There were too many thoughts in my head, too many doubts, the only one I did not doubt was that I loved him.
I took him to a place that was dear to me. I shared, I opened up, but was cut open by him. I had taken pictures and a video of him at this place and one night when he thought I was busy doing schoolwork or who knows what, he was texting the video to someone. That someone was a girl, I thought nothing of it until I looked over his shoulder to ask what he was doing. In the text I saw he has written "a friend of mine took this video of me today, thought you'd enjoy it." So, I am a friend. After all this time, I am a friend, not a girlfriend. That was the last straw I needed. Again, we fought. I did not deserve this. We decided to take a break from each other. He packed up. He went home. He flew away.
The break we took ended up being a break up. I knew it would be but apparently he did not. He continued to contact me until I had to set him straight because he was interfering with my new relationship. I dated other people casually after him, until one day I found someone who I thought was even more perfect than he had ever been. And he has continued to be more perfect in every way.
Long distance is difficult. I am so happy for those who can make it work, but for those in toxic relationships, please know you deserve better and there is so much better out there for you. I learned the hard way, through being naïve but it does not have to be like that. You will find someone who treats you like their world and is genuine about it, they will never try to suffocate your dreams or demean you. You will not feel like a second choice and you should never have to feel that way.