Long-Distance Relationships and How to Survive Them

My boyfriend Lachlan and I have been together for 14 months. We've been in love for longer, but have spent only three of those months face-to-face (until now). I can't tell you how hard it is having to drive him to the airport and watch him dwindle into a dot, with a final wave before I am alone again. He has said that leaving me to get on a plane is always the hardest thing he ever does. God, leaving each other. They say it gets easier, but it doesn't. That's a lie. It gets harder every single time. For me, it feels like a breakup, for him it feels like going through the five stages of grief over and over again. So how do you tolerate all that pain and suffering? How can you make it through time differences and navigating how busy each other's lives are?

Before giving you advice, I'd like you to think about a few things first.

1. Why are you together?

Think and reflect on the why of your relationship. Do they make you a better person? Does your world light up with them in it? Are they your best friend? Or is it just good sex? Is it just to please your parents? Is it just to fill a void in your life? Continuous introspection on this, an important part of your life, is key. If you wake up every day without your partner there to remind you of why you are together, can you remember the reason(s)? If the answer to that question is no, and you are unable to hold a conversation with your partner or feel interested in the relationship without them there physically, then perhaps you should not be together.

2. Does the relationship warrant the pain of long-distance?

For me, every day was torture anew. Lachlan and I enjoy each other's company to the point that we will sit together even when we aren't interacting because we find each other's presence comforting. Waking up to an empty bed, watching movies alone, nothing was the same when he went back home. I was feeling cold for weeks even in the heat of the tropics because he wasn't there with me, and I completely lost my appetite. I cried myself to sleep for days on end, and randomly throughout the day as well. My own parents didn't know what to say or do after some time. But Lachlan and I agreed that we wanted each other without a doubt, no matter how much it hurt, because we know that this is it, this is the one. We would do whatever it took to be together again. Ask yourself, is this person worth it? Whatever the answer, you must commit to it.

Congratulations on making it this far! That was heavy stuff. On to cutesy but sound advice now, in no particular order.

1. Plan when you'll see each other again, and make it concrete.

There must always be something to look forward to. Do not underestimate how much this helps. Lachlan and I always set dates by planning around uni and work, plus family gatherings (like Christmas) and important events (like graduation). We see who can fly to whom, and then book tickets as early as possible. this helps inject some positivity into your relationship by giving you both a shared goal to work towards. It strengthens you both as a team and deepens your bond. Bonus: install a countdown app on your phone! It really makes a difference.

2. Keep doing things that you would (or should) do if the person was in front of you.

You are together. You are in a relationship. Just because they aren't there physically, doesn't mean you stop complimenting them, being there for them, or enjoying things together. Send pictures of your face, or when they send you a picture of theirs, compliment them. Uplift them. Ask how their day was, tell them you're proud of them. Share a movie you liked with them. Make fun of them! Being able to message and call people is the greatest gift people take for granted.

3. Find new ways to be cute and loving

For Lachlan and I, I wrote him a massive pile of little notes with drawings, each a reason why I loved him. I scribbled "your face", "your smell", "your sense of humour", "you're my best friend". It didn't matter if there were repeats, or drawings that didn't make sense. He looked forward to them every night and treasured every single one of them - and when I saw him again, I gave them all to him in a wooden box (something I know he likes).

4. Don't stop dating

We didn't stop dressing up and having dates through messenger video, playing hangman, Taboo, even making up games. We'd even eat together on screen.

5. Keep things spicy

Yes, I do mean bedroom-wise. I won't get into too much detail, but some lingerie and a camera go a long way. Ensure you trust your partner completely before you do this though. And if you don't, then don't include your face and identifying markers like tattoos or a specific thing in your bedroom. Dirty talk, pictures that you know they'll open when they're at work or class, telling them you've got something waiting for them on your nightly/daily call, all go a long way with keeping you both as satisfied as you can be without them there.

6. Flex your love language

Of course, the ones that would apply could really only be gifts, words of affirmation, or quality time, but the more you go in on these, the better the both of you will feel.

7. Have something that you do together

It's a great idea to have a common hobby to do together on calls so that you are not just looking at each other for an hour or so saying "I miss you, I love you, how was your day?". This could be anything! For Lachlan and I, that's doing martial art patterns or playing Taboo. For you, it could be working out together, watching a movie together (screen sharing or just pressing play at the same time), or even painting together. Get creative!

8. Really, truly be understanding of how this is impacting your partner.

LDRs are notoriously difficult. They can affect all parts of a person's life. To offset this, listen to your partner and be conscientious when they need space. Be there when they need to vent. Be kind when they feel insecure. Figure out, when there are bad days (and there will be bad days), how to heal the hurt your partner is feeling and move on together as a team. It is never the two of you against each other, but the two of you together against a problem.

9. Set when you call/message

I'm lucky because Lachlan and I would call every single day for hours at a time, often multiple times. We also text all day. Our time pair (which countries and therefore time zones we were in) worked out okay, with a 7-hour difference, him waking up early and me sleeping late. I understand this isn't possible for a lot of time pairs, but there is always a way with sacrifice and willingness, even if it's for one hour a day. It's better than nothing, and it isn't for forever.

10. Don't be salty about other couples

As difficult as it is seeing other people in love and seemingly rubbing it in your face, don't feel hurt or jealous when your friends or even people you don't know are happy with their S/O. This invites negative feelings into a part of your life that should be celebrated. Instead, let others be happy and allow yourself to think "gosh, they're so cute. I can't wait 'til I get to do that with my partner again." or something along these lines. This will help you be more positive while you play the waiting game.

11. This too shall pass

It's of paramount importance that you recall every day the joy and love that your partner brings. If you are meant to be, and I hope you are, hold fast to the beauty that life has to offer with them. Think of how they feel in your arms. How they breathe when you sit together. How funny their laugh is. Hold tight to those feelings, and rejoice - because this too shall pass.

That's all I have for you for now. I care about your emotional and physical wellbeing and I sincerely hope this has helped you. All the best!

Your friend, Audene