Life Without a Room...or a Home.

Life has been hard recently. Yes, Covid-19 and the whole pandemic has made things hard, but even I had an apartment during the pandemic. But...I developed a lot of stress and couldn't handle emotionally, and I had to move back to my home state and leave my apartment because that is where my insurance plan was. I had to leave my first apartment with my love...now my ex...and my 2 cats, they came with me, but we all had to give up our lease, because I was not the only one with health problems that needed to be addressed back home.

So, we left after 5 months on our lease. That was in July of 2020. It is now...January of 2021, and I still have no place to live. No home base. I stayed on a friends couch for awhile, but still never got my main job back, so I could not afford rent longer than a month or two so I had to go back to my parents, sleep on their couch, and occasionally I sleep at my best friend/exs house, since they still have my bed of course, and well, they are a good cuddler, and such.

When we moved back to our home state for health care, I really plummeted. I lost control of my emotions and I felt the need for a lifestyle change, which was of course, an in the moment and fully uncontrolled jumble of emotions that lasted all of a week. So, I lost my relationship and the respect of the household and the people it of where I was staying. Even if I could pay rent, I really messed up, and I had to leave. But...I had to leave my 2 cats there...and all my stuff. I pay them to care for my cats and hold my things, but I was supposed to get them into a storage unit, my things, not my cats, within a week or two of me moving out. But...I had no money.

Then finally I get a stimulus, its 2021, and I'm like...lets do something crazy and spontaneous! I bought a camper. Finally, I thought, I can have a small place for me, my cats, and my things. Turns out, it was a good price for a lot of reasons. It had so much water damage and rodents ate apart the ceiling in some places. Of course, I didn't realize the extent of how bad it was until after I bought it and took it home. So, now I have a camper, from 1987, that I bought as a 1992, from this kid who had no idea about anything and lied to me and told me it was livable and ready to move in, just needed propane. Then refused to take it back. So, here I am, trying to sell this camper for at least my money back, but it has no door, the floor caved in in the bedroom, a window is broken, the battery is shot, there is no propane, and I've never even tried plugging it in because the plug is bent and I don't have the physical strength or a wrench to fix it.

So, since July, the last time I was alone...was for about 2 hours at a friends house when I was staying on their couch, they left to go run some errands and I was alone for the first time. This was only maybe, 2 months ago. For like, less than 2 hours.

I decided to sweep the house, pick up my stuff, then Swiffer the floor. I did not do anything for myself...I am not sure why. I wasn't sure when they would be home, or how long I had. Man......I miss bath time. Candles. Alone time. Music. Essential Oils. SELF CARE!!

When someone is homeless...you would assume they spend a lot of time alone. On park benches, or in parks, or on the street, or in shelters. That is not the case here. When I am with my bestfriend/ex, we can have quiet time, but we have no alone time. Now, they are having alone time while I stay at my parents, but with the pandemic, my step-mom is working from home and my half-brother has half days at school. Even my dad got home early today from his job.

I have no idea what it is like to be alone anymore. To have a space of my own. To have a place that feels like home. To say "I can't wait to go home!" after having a nice dinner or going shopping and being tired. Where is home? Where am I missing?

It is important be alone. To know who you are when you are alone. My best friend says they need to recharge and gather themselves, clean their room and make their space "their personally space" again. Since, I go in there, and I come with a lot of baggage. Pun intended. My overnight bag is like, 6 bags. That, and after we broke up, their parents did not want me back there. So, when I am there...I hide in the room and stay quiet so nobody knows I am there. Which means, no kitchen, no bathroom, as long as they are awake. It is not easy, because it makes me very dependent because I can not do anything myself. Literally.

So, I just need a space that is my own. A ROOM. Where I can put my phone down, lay on my bed, shut my DOOR (which I haven't had since July) and know that I will not be bothered at all, unless I made plans, which is unlikely.

A place where I can put my things. A dresser sounds nice. My clothing are in a suitcase outside, in an attic, so, up a flight of stairs, and on the other side of the attic. It's cold out there and there is no electricity, so when it is dark, I won't go up there. My shoes are at my friends in their garage, so I've been in the same shoes for 2 months. Re-wearing the same clothes after washing them 5 times over.

Not having a room...or even a home...is certainly not lonely. And, I miss being lonely, just a little. I miss...missing people. How can you miss anyone when you are surrounded by people all the time? I even tried getting hotel rooms, and none had bathtubs, I just want candles, essential oils, music, and warm water. No other sounds. No people. Just..me and my thoughts, alone, on purpose.

Being alone is essential to everyone's health. Do it more often. Make it a habit. It's okay.

Having a home is also essential though, so, I'll be working on that...wish me luck on selling this camper. -.-