Life Is Just A Dance Alone

My family lives in Huairou District, a distant suburb of Beijing, and my parents are both farmers. They didn't expect me to get into Tsinghua University, nor did they expect me to get rich, so I was very happy when I was a child, going down the river to touch the fish, picking fruits from the trees, and stealing radishes from the neighbors' fields. When I first arrived at the cafe, I was scared to death when you asked me to go out and buy ingredients - I had never even taken the subway, even though I was a Beijinger.

　　Foreigners often envy the demolished families in Beijing, thinking that they are the "winners of life". My family could not get a good deal like demolition, so I was not destined to become a "rich white girl" in my life. After graduating from college, I joined a company as a receptionist, earning an honest wage. My parents said that girls do not have to be too capable, find a stable job on the line, the future married a good family, there will be everything. I thought, how my parents say I will do it, they will not be pitted against me, right?

　　I met my ex-husband, Jane Hua, at a friend's birthday party. I don't know if I love him or not, but I think he looks okay, with big eyes and a high nose. He took the initiative to add me on WeChat and asked me to go to dinner and watch a light show. I had never tried dating before, and I wanted to know what it was like to be in love, so I agreed.

　　We met a total of four or five times, and the last time he drank a lot of wine and was so dizzy that I had to take him home. His parents were home and showed an unusual amount of enthusiasm for me.

　　When he came to propose, I was quite surprised and could see that he was particularly reluctant. He said his parents wanted us to get married. I asked him what he thought, and he said, "I'll do whatever my parents say." I didn't think it meant anything, so I said I'd think about it.

　　I didn't expect my parents to be excited when they heard about it. Jian Hua's father is the technical director of an electrical company, and his mother is the manager of a property company, so his family is much better off than mine. My parents agreed that there would be no such store after this village, and that I had no other merits besides my good looks, so where could I find such a good family?

　　I was only 25 years old, I only knew that he did not love me, and I did not love him, but I did not know what kind of man was worth marrying, in case I could not meet the right one, so I did not get married? I decided to listen to my parents - they have a lot of experience in life and are right.

　　Life events are final. However, the marriage without emotional foundation can only be described as "bad".

　　My in-laws didn't like me. I later learned that they have long been desperate for their son, even a serious job is not, every day blind. The old couple calculate that their son may understand after he has a family and a job. I such a small family out of the young girl, have not seen the world, the bride price is not required, to give birth to a boy and a girl to the Jane family, they even earned.

　　The first thing you need to do is to get married to me. He thinks I'm stupid and can't do anything right; he says I'm a nanny and any girlfriend he's had before is better than me; I've gained eight or nine pounds since I gave birth and he calls me a "fat woman".

　　Jane Hua is very high-minded, determined to make a lot of money, every day shouting that "the word work does not come out of the head". But business is not that easy to do it? From the time we met to the divorce, a total of more than 4 years, he did 5 projects, all lost. When we got married, my in-laws gave me a bride price of 80,000 yuan and a car, the money was taken away from him, and the car was sold by him.

　　After the marriage, he did not give me a penny for the family, the family's expenses on my monthly salary of more than 4,000 yuan to support. After the birth of my daughter, my in-laws have been helping to bring her. At one point, my mother-in-law said that I was using her as free labor. It's not that I don't know what I should buy for them, but I've never had enough money. That night I asked Jianhua for money for the family, but he justified it by saying that I was living in his house, otherwise, with my condition, how could I live in such a good house. So, he didn't have to pay for the household.

　　To ask the feeling after the marriage, I think I can use two words to describe: exhaustion. Everyone is consuming me, no one cares about my feelings, no one cares if I'm tired and need relief. It was as if I was walking alone in the dark with heavy luggage, not knowing when the sky would light up or where the road would end, and I had to keep walking. I thought about divorce, but everyone advised me not to think about it. My mother said, "If you have a child, what man will want you?"

　　I finally decided to get a divorce.

　　My daughter was over two years old that year, and it was time for her to start kindergarten. In Beijing, kindergarten costs at least $3,000 to $4,000 a month, and I couldn't afford it alone. I approached Jianhua and learned that he had borrowed more than 200,000 yuan in online loans - the rent and labor in Beijing were too expensive, and his new restaurant had been losing money.

　　I was stunned. I hadn't owed anyone a penny since I was a kid. Other girls swipe their credit cards to make purchases, and I spent $800 on a phone that lasted 3 years. In my opinion, since I am not capable of earning big money, I can only lower my desire to spend. I can't imagine what it's like for him to open his eyes every day and be wracked with debt. If I had known this, I might as well have found a similar condition to my own, we save a little, kindergarten children can always afford to go to.

　　When I said the decision to divorce, my mother's eyes were almost blind, she said it might not be better to leave. I said I'm not sure what will happen after the divorce, but I'm sure I won't be able to live well without it. The parents of Jan Wah did not agree to divorce because they could not let go of their children. The divorce is not a good idea, because there is no one to pay for the household and do the housework.

　　After I gave birth to my daughter, my heart was much firmer. I can put up with this shitty life, but I want my daughter to go to a good school, to have insight, and not to have no opinion like me. My parents certainly didn't harm me subjectively, but they couldn't afford to plan for me. I don't blame them, everything is my own decision. I decided to listen to them and marry Jan Wah, I decided to enter into this loveless marriage, so my responsibility is the greatest. I don't want my daughter to be as unmotivated as I am. Jane Hua has never been in charge of her, so I don't think she will lose her father's love after the divorce, something she didn't have in the first place, not to talk about losing it.

　　I talked to my friends about the divorce, and they agreed that no one else's opinion mattered, but that the key was Jan Wah, and his need was for money - if I could give him a sum of money, I might be able to get a divorce.

　　Objectively I do not have money to give him, subjectively I do not want to give, others think I coveted his family has two suites to marry him, the result is nothing to gain, but also have to pay money to divorce, I am not a joke? The first few times I talked to him, I thought to move people with love, saying that we are a couple, and have a daughter, why not get together and break up, he is willing to pay for the support to pay some, not willing to pay even if I will not say bad things about him in front of his daughter. He refused to agree, saying he couldn't let me have my way no matter what. I was so angry with him every time.

　　I had no choice but to ask him if he could agree to a divorce if I was willing to pay for it. He hesitated then, and it seemed like a real entry point for negotiations. He had a $60,000 investment coming in, but the friend who was going to give him the investment had a temporary change of heart and he wanted me to pay for it. I said, "You don't know how much money I make every month? My parents are even poorer, their life savings are not 60,000. Even if they did have 60,000, they would have to leave some of it for the kids, who are going to school soon." We both bargained and finally settled on 30,000.

　　At this time, I found the benefit of the hair children are still together, grew up together, the trust is not the same. I asked to borrow money and got it together in two days. They also reminded me not to pay in full at once, but in several installments, in case he took the money and turned his back. I am especially grateful to them, without their reminder, I would have given all the money to Jan Wah at once.

　　On the day of the divorce, it was windy in Beijing. Strangely enough, it was also windy on the day we got married, and the opening and closing songs were sung to the same tune. That day I felt particularly relaxed and happy, you say it is strange, when married with a heavy heart, but when the divorce is all relaxed.

　　Before the divorce I did not plan how to go after the road, just feel that this ridiculous marriage must end. After the divorce, I thought clearly, there is only one way to go, and that is to earn money.

　　I asked my mother to help me take care of my daughter, she scolded me for half a day, saying I deserved it, who asked me to get divorced to find who help, she is not available. But the next day, she let me send the child to Huairou.

　　I especially regret, had I known that today so embarrassed, when I should learn a skill, rely on technology to eat, should not just seek comfort. There is a saying that "those who seek war are safe, those who seek peace are dead", where can you have a good life if you want to be comfortable? In the past, even lazy to make decisions, I hope that parents all arranged, but in the end, a bad life is who pays for it? Yourself ah.

　　No skills can only be lowered. I looked for a lot of part-time jobs, to housekeeping companies to do cleaning, to the supermarket to do odd jobs, but also in our neighborhood pet club to give the dog a bath. The business of dog bathing is much more tiring than pet grooming, but the profit is not so high, the boss outsourced this business, he earned a price difference. I can earn 15 to 30 yuan to wash a dog, Saturday and Sunday two days down, I was so tired that I could not lift my arms, but I like to do this work, this is the most money in all my part-time job.

　　I always had insomnia when I was not divorced, but after the divorce I worked more than 10 hours a day and could fall asleep when I lay down. With my salary and part-time income, I can now earn more than 8,000 yuan a month. I only go back to Huairou once a month, and I miss my daughter, but I have no choice but to put up with it. I wanted my daughter to go to kindergarten in Chaoyang District, but I couldn't afford it because I was still 30,000 yuan in debt, so I let her go to school in Huairou for the first year.

　　It's been 4 years since the divorce, the debt has long been paid off, and my daughter should be in elementary school. I recently took my bachelor's degree, I've always been interested in design, so I chose this major, first to learn. Look at my hands, they are so brown that they can't be maintained back to their previous state.

　　When I was in the cafe, I was afraid that you would let me go out to buy something - Beijing is too big, I was afraid of getting lost, and I was most comfortable curled up in the cafe quietly, but I didn't know that people stop growing when they are too comfortable. I've been walking the hard road for a few years now, but after I finished it, I realized that I had unknowingly gotten stronger. Life is ultimately just a dance alone, no one can replace me to bear the pain, and no one can replace me to grow. I think, in the days to come, nothing can scare me anymore.