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Life Changes

by M S Evans 5 years ago in marriage
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I Hate That I Have to Be Patient

Patience is driving me mad!

I used to think that I had life all figured out. When I was seventeen years old I was accepted into a local community college. By my second semester I had what I thought was a foolproof plan for having a successful life.

I was going to finish my degree and become a councilor for children and adults alike. No marriage, no family, I wanted absolutely no distractions while I pursued my education. I had a boyfriend at the time that I knew would never marry me and disliked children very much. I figured nothing would stand in my way since the only person I was close was not into the kind of commitment he thought I wanted.

I suppose it was my mistake telling him that I, unlike him, loved children and I did want to get married one day, the only problem is… he thought I meant soon. I was never really open to him about my plans since I knew it involved leaving him anyway. I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that since I wasn’t open with him about many things that we broke up very soon.

I wasn’t a very secure person when it came to relationships. When he broke up with me, I was very hurt. I believe it hurt me so much, not because I had a very deep love for him, but because I was rejected. I haven’t learned to accept rejection very well and that’s the only thing I believe that really, mentally, held me back from progressing. This depression of mine haunted me for months as we kept getting back together and breaking up somehow.

Finally, after months of dissatisfaction and outright hate of the man-child I was dating, I finally ended it. This time (after nearly a dozen times of ending it before) we said goodbye for the last time.

After successfully picking myself up from the ground again by begging God for any kind of forgiveness he was willing to give me, I met my dearest love. I did not intend to get married. I wanted to grow further in my career and flourish in that area, but God had a different challenge in mind.

Now all of the “I”s I say turn into “we”s and all of the selfish acts I want to jump into, I can no longer take without directly impacting the man I married. Marriage has made me a little less selfish and brought out a gentler side of me that I did not know existed. Before marriage, I did not appreciate how fun it is to cook—and really mess up. Before marriage I was not sentimental towards people or objects, and now I cherish every gift of love my husband gives to me. Before marriage, I had lost contact with my family, and now I talk to them more regularly and my relationship with them has improved significantly.

I am so much happier than I was.

Unfortunately, there is a minor drawback I am facing. My husband joined the military, and I realized how pointless and expensive the education system has become. I must follow my husband anywhere around the globe now, and I realized that my previous dream of counseling people for money was no longer a dream I wanted.

I now desire to do something important. I wish to expand my knowledge on something worthwhile. As of now, I find myself without purpose. I do not know what I want to do with my life. My husband is very encouraging and tells me that if I am patient, I will find what I want to do with my life. However, I am not patient. I want to know what I should make of my life now.

Nothing gets done without action. I just wish I knew what action I need to take.


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M S Evans

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