We were in love, or at least I was. I believed you loved me, but I knew you weren't in love with me. It was not your fault you were not capable of being in love with someone, but you were my world, my rock. We had our ups and downs, but a lot more downs than highs after we lost our baby. You sought out happiness and pleasure outside of us. Maybe you cheated on me or maybe I just didn't make you happy anymore, but the very people you told me not to worry about, I realized very quickly you lied. You got with her soon after we split. Coincidence...maybe....but maybe not. We split over a miss text, but was it really? Or was it you just needing an excuse to leave me? To go see the world that I couldn't give you?
Nobody told me it would be easy, but they also told me I would be over it in a few months, well here we are, a year later and I still break down mentally. Sometimes my dreams come to haunt me at night reminding me of you. Giving me false hopes that you will come back. But I have to stop myself and think, would I want you back if you wanted me back? I would no doubt want you back, but I wouldn't do it because I know how far I have come in this healing process to throw it away when you decide I don't make you happy anymore. I smile through the pain when told what you are up to in your life, in a relationship with two kids (not yours), yet in the back of my mind I can't help but think that you chose her because me and you couldn't have kids.
I have to stop myself from thinking like that, I have to learn to love myself and come from a place of abundance of love all over again. When I learn to truly come from a place of abundance, I will become oneness with the universe. When I become one with the universe I will be truly happy and when that happens, everything else follows.
"Happiness is your nature. It is not wrong to desire it. What is wrong is seeking it outside when it is inside." ~ Sri Ramana Maharshi
Today I am still missing you, well... the thought of you. Going to nursing school, which I was doing when I first met you then didn't finish. You were never supportive of me and that is okay, I am learning to accept you were never taught to be supportive of others and talking negatively to yourself was your form of motivation. You didn't realize what you were putting into my head and for that I have to forgive you. I can't let you take all the blame for this. I should have stayed gone when you first left me for your baby's mother, or so you thought it was your baby.
So here I am, making something of myself, what are you doing? I keep pushing on even though it gets hard when I see you out with her. But I know what type of person she is and you will get everything you deserve. And from what I hear you have been worse off then you were with me without her hurting you. That pleases a selfish side of me, but I do wish the best for you...just I need to put my own wellness and happiness before I start wishing you on your own happy way. I can't give happiness and wellness if I don't have it myself. One day I hope I can find the strength to forgive you, but until I do, I will just keep making this life beyond you.