Letters to Brighid

I’m having a morning, I woke up from a dream about Vernon again and it brought tears to my eyes. Lets be real I was sobbing. I put on some fun movie and am getting my day started early. I have a lot to do and it can’t hurt to get it all done asap.

I’m meeting with J again today and I might get some more painting done or I might bring my guitar. It looks like the days I spend with them are erratic but fun and creative. I don’t mind that, especially now.

My cat was snuggly this morning, almost like he could tell that I was upset.

Wildfires are popping up all over CA and its getting scary. I have a few friends and family near the hotspots and I worry. Can you look in and keep them safe as you can? It would ease my mind.

My grandmother is doing better, she had me worried there for a bit. I’m glad she is settling in with my dad and is in a better place. She was so isolated and it was worrying, though that doesn’t quite fit.

I’ve been a little reticent to write the last few days, I’m keeping it to half a page per day, that means I have at least a page left. I’m burning these during the week leading to Imbolc so, figuring out the logistics, fun. I’m hoping fingers crossed, that we can meet in person for the highday which will mean a bigger fire available. There is looking to be a lot of paper to burn so this will be helpful. I’m keeping a digital record of my progress but other than that edited version there will be no physical trace of it.

If this works out we could make this a thing, but from Samhain to Imbolc instead? That’s about 3 months, still substantial but not as long as this time. we will see what happens after this. Right now my writing is centered around my grieving process and coping with loss. Its a big part of my life right now and daily conversations help. I really appreciate you listening. I really enjoy our time together and our Sunday ritual. I still need to get the whiskey situation resolved but I’ve time and a few other things are holding my attention right now.

I’m sending out my first sale today, packing up a few books and sending them off. Its not much but it helps. money is tight right now but I will get through. Though a little luck would be appreciated if you could send some my way?

Everyone has been so generous already but I’m waiting on my debit card from unemployment. I need it by the end of this month.

I’m getting a little antsy, could you make sure its on its way and arrives safely? it would really take a weight from my shoulders.

Learning guitar is going well, the description instead of the picture is so much better for me and the way my mind works.

Rhythm is my next challenge, I have no natural talent for it and its a skill I will have to learn, so far so good though. Wish me luck?

I just wanted to say goodnight, I have been really gluttonous and lazy today. Tomorrow doesn’t look good either.

Its been a bad day, I ate a good dinner which I enjoyed but I am really having problems finding food that doesn’t taste like ash in my mouth. not everyday but just somedays nothing tastes good. I force myself to eat but I have lost ten pounds already. I could stand to lose a few so I’m not worried yet but I need to keep an eye on it.

I need to go back to the apartment and get a few last things from storage and pick up the mail.

I have trouble going back to places, ones I have left.

I have to go back to finish what needs to be finished.

Its going to be hard but I need to do it.

Lets try tomorrow.

I’m doing a lot of retail therapy, its somethings I need but I am upset because I could have bought these things and enjoyed them while Vernon was alive and it hurts. I will enjoy them but its bittersweet. I’m not doing as well as it appears but I’m not drowning, I’m treading water but I wish I had closer family and I wish we could see each other more often. I really needed time with J, I don’t think they understand how much Wednesdays mean to me, just having that physical contact really helps with everything.

Vernon was one of my biggest sources of physical affection, and miss that horribly.