Letter to My Ex
A never-sent letter written to my ex of five years that was recently uncovered years later.
I’m going to shed this veil of unconditional love that has covered my eyes for the past two and a half years. I am finally going to be free. I gave you everything, yes, but I will take the little, shattered shards of me that are left and forge on. I’ve been lying, I’ve been fake. I’ve been hurting and pretending I haven’t been. I’ve been pretending I’m enjoying dating around when I’ve really been hating every single second of it. I haven’t been okay, I haven’t been over you, but I will be. All the “Oh yeah I’m okay” smiles that I’ve been throwing around to everyone will finally be real. I hadn’t known I was such a great actress, that even you for a moment were convinced I was okay and had moved on. Somehow, someday, I will be happy again, but the first step is this letter. These are my last words to you.
I gave you my whole being, heart, and soul every day, and dedicated so much effort to you, to making you happy, to trying to make our relationship better and stronger. I did this even though you didn’t even want me for the first half of it before we were even in a relationship. Every day, I tried so hard to prove to you that I could love you forever and take care of you forever.
When I told you that I would do it all over again, and you asked me “why,” I’ll admit that I don’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know why I loved you so much, or was so willing to dedicate the rest of my life to you. I think if it was just because you were my first, it would have worn off long ago. So I don’t know what it is. None of it makes sense, and I don’t understand it, but for whatever reason I just loved you so hard that now it just makes me feel so much pain.
All I know is that I felt deep in my soul a connection to you. And it’s too painful to ever speak to you or look at you again, knowing that that connection can never again be realized into the strong, unconditional love I once had for you—no, you have broken me too badly for that. I still look in your eyes and see my whole world, and it makes me so disgustingly sad knowing you severed my chance at fulfilling the dream I had of a world where you and me could stay together.
And you… were calling somebody new “bae” before we had been broken up for three weeks. I won’t forgive you for that. Fuck you for that. I can never forgive you for being so happy, so content, so calm and relaxed without me, and with someone new so easily, and so quickly. I hate you. I hate you so much I can’t stand it. But after this, I won’t have to hate anymore. I can be free.
You haven’t been alone this whole time like I have been, so of course everything has been easier for you, and you haven’t had to ask me to do anything to make this easier for you, because you have had the one thing that can make the pain go away this whole time—a new bae. It’s a shield for you, knowing you can go wherever you please, because you’ll have someone—I don’t have that protection, and you had no compassion for that immense vulnerability of mine.
God you have just utterly destroyed me for the last damn time. I loved you too much, and I tried too hard, and I cared too deeply to ever forgive you for doing this to me. I can’t call someone “friend” who has broken me into so many pieces that I can’t recognize myself. Angry, alone, spiteful, depressed, faking, sad, more angry... These are the pieces I keep finding attached to me, and I don’t know who they belong to. But I know you are the one that put them there, and I can’t forgive you for doing this to me, for turning me into this person I despise.
I was sorry that I hate you so much for doing this to me. I was sorry that I hate you so much for not needing me, or wanting me anymore. I was sorry that I hate you so much for being happy with someone else in my place. But you know what? I’m not sorry anymore. I deserve to hate you. You took everything from me, you destroyed me, and everything I worked so hard to build with you. I deserve to hate you.
I can never forgive you. I can’t forgive you for everything you have done to me, and the pain you have caused me these past few months. I have been broken into an unrecognizable version of myself since the first night you came home, and told me you didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore. That you didn’t want “us” anymore. That you didn’t want “me” anymore. I’ve been holding on, tears always just beneath the surface, a yell always beneath the surface, a scream always beneath the surface, pain and anger right there every day hidden in a cloud of smoke and mirrors. I’ve wanted to scratch your eyes out every time I have seen you since then. But most of all, it has been sadness. Sadness creeping in every time I lay my head down to rest alone, knowing you are laying yours down next to another in my place. Sadness creeping in every time something makes me think of you, sadness every time I am reminded that I did everything right, that I tried my hardest to be good to you, and yet I am alone now, and you are not. I can’t forgive you.
I’m sorry you’re going to have to remember me as this angry, spiteful, sad mess of a broken woman that I have become, instead of the caring, selfless, kind girlfriend I tried so hard to be to you.
Your moments of kindness and caring kept me hanging onto you, my old love kept me hanging onto you. But no more. For the way you have handled this, for what you have done to me, for how you have acted, this has been the final straw. For abandoning me and all the work I put into you + me, this has been the final straw. You didn’t just break up with me, you left me. You left me alone. I needed you; I needed a lot out of you to try to make this work where we could still be in each other’s lives, and you failed me, you made it impossible, because you didn’t want to try that hard to help me cope, because it would have endangered things with your precious new thing. For that, I can no longer unconditionally love you. I can no longer care about you. I can no longer think of you. I can no longer utter your name. I can’t know you. To know you is to want you. If I want you, I’ll just be in pain forever like I have been these past few months. So, I can’t know you anymore. I can’t ever have you in my life again, because it’ll just be pieces of my broken hopes and dreams piercing my heart each moment I look at you.
And I actually want to thank you. Thank you for making this easier for me by giving me so many reasons to hate you. Thank you for finally absolutely solidifying your self-centered ways to the point where I can no longer deny them. Thank you for once and for all proving to me that you will care about me, and my needs and wants, so long as none of them get in the way of your own personal interests that will always be the most important thing to you over any of mine. Thank you for caring more about keeping a new hoe you just met happy than keeping me emotionally stable, able to cope, or in your life at all. Thank you for blatantly having very little compassion for my situation, still being alone. And you’re fooling yourself if you thought I hadn’t been alone this whole time. Have you heard me talk about any girl I’ve met more than once? No. I’ve had enough of how you’ve been acting since the breakup, I can’t take it anymore. You have cried to me one night about wishing you could ask for me back, and then the next day you lie to my face about Kamila. You cry wishing you had treated me better in our relationship, and then the next day I ask you for a favor for my emotional sake, and you treat me horribly with zero compassion, or care, or fucks given. I gave you two and a half years of everything I had, then watched you rip it apart, and you can’t give up one night a week at the club for a few weeks? Fuck you for that.
I believe that you loved me, and I believe you did really care sometimes, and to a certain extent. But I don’t believe you ever loved me the way I needed you to, and I held on for two and a half years waiting for you to magically change one day, and you did change, but not how I thought you would. Instead of caring more, you reached a new level of disregard for me. You fell out of love, fell out of care, so easily, because you didn’t want me or my love anymore. You didn’t want all the responsibility that came along with those things. You just didn’t want to deal with me anymore.
I’ll give you some credit, I will. You tried, you did try a lot. But, never enough. I asked a lot out of you, because I gave a lot to you. And if one person is always trying and giving so much more, and caring so much more, then things can never last.
I’m putting my foot down the way that I never did in our relationship. I’m not going to take any more of this emotional abuse from you. You can’t have me, any part of me, ever, because you have done too many bad things to me and have been too hurtful. I can’t call someone “friend” after they have hurt me this badly. You don’t deserve me, and you never did. I am telling you “no” for the last time. No, you can’t have any part of me, not my friendship, not my love, not my compassion, not even a glance in your direction from me. Because you don’t deserve it, for doing this to me in such a cruel way. You have been so cruel to me, this entire time, from day one to now. How is it that someone you called your soulmate a few months ago… you can stand being so uncaring toward? You can be so calm, so relaxed, even happy, not seeing me just because there’s someone new there? How is it you can be so unwilling to help me when I’m in such a heartbreaking state?
I feel like I don’t even know you, this person you’ve been being toward me. I’ve found random photos of us on my laptop, and I don’t even recognize you as being the girl in those photos from how you’ve acted toward me. So, it only makes sense to just not know you, the old you, or the new you.
Lose my number and never try to contact me. Forget my name, I’m gone for good. And if I blatantly ignore you somewhere out in public, just know it isn’t coming from a place of being a bitch, but it’s coming from a place of such pain that I can no longer withstand the thought that you even still exist, that I can no longer register the thought of acknowledging you. Your friends too, I’ve had to forget them as well, because the idea that they are having fun with you and somebody else hurts me too much too. Forget we ever even knew each other, because that’s what I’m doing, because it’s the only hope I have of ever stopping these tears and this pain. This is your punishment—the only thing that will make me free, because I will know that me taking myself out of your life forever is worse than anything you ever did to me. The one person besides your mother that would always be there for you, always believe in you, and have faith in you no matter what, the person that did things for you no other girl would have done, and helped you out of depression, and through everything for the past two and a half years. That one person will be gone. You will never be a part of my life ever again. All you bring me is pain, and sad memories of a once happy girl who thought she had found all the love she ever needed, and had it all suddenly, brutally stolen away to be replaced by a purple-haired 18-year-old.
I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to be angry anymore. I don’t want to be this broken person anymore. So please, don’t make me. Leave me alone forever.