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Learn to be okay, not being okay

Embrace your inner mess

By sith queenPublished 3 years ago 4 min read
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The perception of strength is a funny thing. We all have inner we all have our own way we deal with them. I am a 'meet a challenge head-on' kind of thinker and I fought my way out of some inner darkness. Even so, times when I realize; I'm still not okay, and there's nothing wrong with that. This was driven home a weeks ago in 2 conversations; one with a long time friend and one with my boyfriend, who asked me a lot of soul-searching questions I could not answer.

Without my entire life story, let me give you some context. I have never been a fan of love stories or happy endings in movies. I am not reactive by nature and often do not know how to respond in highly emotional situations; I think humans would do well to learn a lessons from the . hate being questioned or having to pry answers out of someone. This leads me to not ask prying questions unless . I have struggled with trusting others and the thought of actually falling in love makes me ill.

My known lack of reactivity is one of the reasons I do not like celebrating holidays or my birthday. It drives me nuts when I have to open a gift in front of someone because I know I don't give the reaction they would like. My boyfriend, , kills it every year with gifts. He doesn't fully appreciate my Gothic taste, but he knows that is what I like; the first Yule we were together he got me a sword. I never know what to get people, because I don't think 'special days'. I believe celebrate every day; if I see something someone close to me would like, I get it for them.

suspected my boyfriend was annoyed by this but turns out that is not fully the case. He's not so much annoyed as concerned. He asked me one day 'Why do you suck so bad gifts?'. Once I clarified he meant receiving them rather than buying them, I thought about it thought about it some more. I even reached out to a family members to see if they had any insight; they didn't. I can almost guarantee he has his own theory but has not shared it with me. As I write this, I have pondered on his question a bit, yet I still lack an answer. Part of it may be reactivity correlates with emotional instability in my brain and I prefer logic to emotion.

Another uncomfortable moment was when our conversation brought to light that after 3 years I still don't fully trust him. I realize this probably sounds silly, but it's true. I do not understand the couples that cannot be apart from each other, or say that can't 'live without them'. That statement makes no logical sense to me and drives me insane. As I have pondered all this, I believe a large of my issues here is the perception of vulnerability.

When I say I don't trust him, I don't mean I suspect he will cheat on me or leave me in a bind. We have been through a lot together and lean on each other pretty heavily. What I mean is I don't have that to 100% buy into the whole 'my life is yours' thing. I like me time, I'm not a fan of doing everything together and I believe good to have separate interests. I don't do the couples thing and I believe part of that stems from trust issues because again, it's a perception of vulnerability I am not comfortable with.

My boyfriend at one time had pointed out to me that rationality is my defense mechanism. I had not thought of it that way, but annoyingly he is correct. a defense mechanism, one so deeply ingrained in my psyche I don't even realize I do it. This is probably why people assume I am stable and put together. I'm not, I don't let it show. This brings me to the point of this article.

I appear 'stable' because I am okay with not being okay. I have worked through a lot of my issues, but I will never fully be past them. don't think anyone truly moves on fully. The important thing is, love yourself regardless. Yes, those that love you will notice, but if they truly love you they will stick by you and even help you work out, even if they don't mean to. No one is perfect, no one is fully 'stable' and that is okay. In our deepest thoughts, we are all a mess; love yourself anyway.

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sith queen

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