Laguna

Laguna

June 3rd. “Oh okay maybe I get you our of your head and go somewhere” He was just taking me as a friend but I knew I was beginning to feel something for him. I can be very judgmental and I didn’t correct his grammar in his texts. That's how I knew. I correct everyone's, but his. I never did.

June 4th. “Hey I reserved a place in Laguna Beach for brunch at 2 pm ocean view peace and serenity it’s called Las Brisas are you down to go? The food is good also.” Fuck! Laguna beach? Oceanview brunch? This isn’t a friend just trying to get me out of my head. This is a date! A date with a man that I have nothing in common with besides being in the same support group. A date with a man that I would never date if I met him outside of our group. I was excited though!

I went to the mall and tried on sooo many different outfits! I sent pictures to my sisters asking which ones they liked more. “Why do you care if you guys are just friends?” This little hater! She was right. He made me smile and lifted my spirit the past couple of months when I needed a friend. In hindsight, we started connecting emotionally and I started to feel a physical attraction at least a month before Laguna.

June 5th. He calls to let me know he has pulled up. He asked if he should get down. I was so disappointed that he called to ask and didn’t just get down and knock. Fuck it, he is just a friend picking me up to go to lunch and support me in some troubled times. I walk out to the car and I am so nervous! I think to myself “why did I wear this?! This isn’t my style at all!” "Why am I nervous!?"

The car is very nice! I get in and the first question out of my mouth after we say hello is, “is this your moms’ car?” I am a very judgmental person and as I said before, we have nothing in common. He is from the hood and I lived in the hood. It’s very different lifestyles. He wasn’t offended and kind of laughed and said “No. It’s my car. Why would you think that?”

We hit the road and right away, he’s a terrible driver and I want to hop out of the car. We talk and he jokes and makes me laugh and it somewhat soothes my anxiety (chronic, debilitating anxiety for 22 years).

In about an hour we arrive, and he drops me at the door while he parks. The place is great! Casual but cute! We sit outside with an ocean view and the weather is perfect! I am so attracted to his person; to who he is. Our waitress is a very sweet, tall blonde, 20 something-year-old, adorable and she flirts with him. He is a very social person, so he is easy to talk to. He’s naïve though. He didn’t realize she was flirting until I laughed once she walked away. Then I told him and hahaha it was entertaining after that! I saw him as a friend still. I couldn’t let on that I was attracted to him or interested in anything other than that. What if he didn't feel the same? The flirting didn’t bother me. I’ve always found a man more attractive when other women desire them. I think all women feel this way, even though they won’t admit it.

Finished lunch and he paid for mine although I pulled out my wallet. "It’s a date," I think to myself again but don't make a big deal out of it. He's a friend. I tipped though. We walked around and he charmed me. Went to a quant café and sat and talked. His closest friend called and he told him he was with me in Laguna. Then another mutual friend called, and he told him. Then another. (I told you guys he was a social person!) It felt so good to have him say “I’m in Laguna with Laura!” My last relationship was a bit of a secret. To have someone tell others they are spending time together is something basic but with what I just went through, well, I needed that. On the other side of the same coin, his reputation came to mind and it made me uneasy. Was I to be just another notch on his belt? (That's an entirely different story.)

We walked down the street and he immediately put me on the inside of the sidewalk. “So he is old-fashioned,” I thought to myself. I smiled inside. We sat on a bench and people watched. Men playing basketball behind us, families playing in the sand, people walking their dogs. It was a beautiful day! I walked over to the water to stick my feet in and let the salty sea air, brush my face, for a few minutes. Then I wanted to go get some tea. The lobster enchiladas were a very bad idea (barf). That, coupled with my anxiety, I just need to relax and soothe my insides.

After I ordered we were waiting for my drink, and I rested my head on his shoulder. I really wasn’t feeling well, and I have known him well over a year so what’s the harm. I didn’t know til later that he took a picture and I thought that was the cutest thing ever! He’s sweet. He offered to wait for my tea so I could go sit and I must say, I am easy to please because that scored a lot of points for him. But we are just friends, and it was just a friendly gesture. As I was sitting at the table, I looked over at him and he was taking another picture; a selfie with me in the background, just like one of him with my head on his shoulder. Again, I smiled inside. I loved it!

During our time at the café, I felt an uneasy, nervous feeling coming from him. Not sure why. It was probably just me.

We walked down the hill to a grassy cliff and took pictures. I said, “come here. Let’s take a picture together!?” He told me a few weeks later that was the sign, “make your move, she’s into you.”

We walked back down to the beach and by now the sun had gone down. We sat on a bench and the sounds of the ocean were soothing my worsened anxiety. I kept thinking, “I don’t want to drive home in the dark with a stomachache and him behind the wheel.” I thought about getting a hotel room to stay the night but that would give the wrong impression. Well, I would be lying if I said I hadn’t entertained the thought of sleeping with him already. I thought about it the previous year. I went through a breakup and he came to mind. To the extent of my knowledge, he was single, and I knew his ex and I am definitely on a different level than her (toot toot. IDGAF. It’s true). I didn’t do it or even tell him that I wanted to use him to get over an ex. Thank God I didn’t. I am not that woman anymore.

We started walking back to the car to go home and I was just rambling on and on trying to explain my anxiety disorder as it was getting worse as we walked closer to the car. He reached out and grabbed my hand, interlocked our fingers and I had nothing more to say. My anxiety dissipated and I felt comforted and soothed. It was exactly what I needed, and I didn’t even know it. A few more steps and he stopped and gently cupped my face and kissed me. Butterflies! Flames of desire flare up within me! Butterflies!

It’s wild how sometimes, you never truly know how much you desire someone until they show you that they desire you back.

I've been chasing that day ever since.

3/2/2022