Just to Get Over What We Lost

by Emily Burkard 2 years ago in breakups

Every single memory comes back to you.

Just to Get Over What We Lost
Losing My Soulmate

I wonder if you think about it as I do. Sometimes I swear every moment between us wasn't true. I keep laying in bed thinking about the times between us. I'm tired of you always letting me down. I try so hard to forget. It should be much easier to forget the memory of you. I don't regret meeting you. I just miss the life we had. I keep waiting for the day you want me back. You threw my heart away. Can't seem to throw out your pictures even though I don't want you back. I keep them just in case you change. Just in case I wake up and this is all a dream. I needed you the most. I hate being too good at faking my smile. Just acting like I am ok. I keep hoping the more I say I'm over you one day it will be finally true. I started fooling myself, thinking I was over you. Kissing strangers in a darkened room. Hoping to forget your touch. The nights I spend with others are hazy. I am doing the best that I can. We went through all of that just to be strangers again. I keep thinking you aren't missing me at all, even though after months of being apart you tried to re-add me on social media. A day doesn't go by I don't think about you. Feels like I lost my best friend in life. I honestly just miss you more than words can explain.

I lost track of time when I was with you. Now I count the seconds down. When I was with you, You made me want to be the best version of me. I never knew that feeling. Felt like I was getting high on that feeling of loving you. There is so much I want to say. I need you more than you could ever know. I hope one day I finally get over you. Whatever we are now, I still remember what we were. I have a hard time accepting your part is over in my life. I need you here with me. To say it's a crazy dream.

It's funny how they say when you finally found the one your heart speeds up as time slows down. Why did you make everything so complicated? We could have stayed like that. Why did you become everything I wish you wouldn't be? I find myself sometimes looking at our photos, like I'm convincing myself at one point I did matter to you. That at one point, it wasn't a lie. I wonder if you ever talk about me, if you ever missed me, if you ever read my stories. Every time I think I found someone new, I just wish that someone was you. I keep my distance because I know I can't have you.

I can't understand why I need you. It's like I come back alive when I think of you. I never wanted anyone else but you and I. I might be mad at you and all of your excuses, but I still miss you. I still wish I was still with you. I still wish I was with the old you. The one that cared about me. Supported my dreams. The one that seemed so interested in every little thing I would do. I would love to hate you but I just hate that I love you. I've forgotten how love feels because of you. I want to move on. I want to let go. The memories of us come in like waves strong then gentle.

I feel like is it truly real what we went through or am I going out of my mind? I would rebreak my heart to fix yours if it meant it could bring you back. All the plans we had for the future no longer exist but I wish they still did. The fact you were temporary kills me. I think sometimes I should think before I talk because I must have said something to scare you away. I hope when we make eye contact you relive every moment, every memory, and it kills you. I hope maybe it could hurt you half the way it hurts me. It is sad how you gave me the best memories but you became a memory.

Just please tell me I am not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel. Worst of all I have to still walk around, still loving you, still need you by my side. When you left I felt like I lost my whole world, every handhold, every kiss, every conversation. I am over thinking every word I never got to say to you. I stand here playing pretend that you didn't win when it came to breaking my heart. Will you ever see what you did to me? What have I become? I thought you were a keeper, I wish I could have kept you. The hardest thing I ever had to do is walk away still madly in love with you.

Emily Burkard
Emily Burkard
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Emily Burkard

I've been in love with writing stories since I've been five years old. It's just something I have always enjoyed doing.

See all posts by Emily Burkard