Just another day

I awoke to the dark, a day barely begun, the sun still hiding behind the horizon. The house so quiet, heavy breathing, snoring, dreams still coming alive behind their eyes.

I lay quietly, listening to the Universe inside my head. Silence echoes past the random thoughts bouncing around as if playing in the rainbow bounce house of my childrens past. They collide into each other, trying to remind me of all things my mind has decided I should stress about. The building debt, the mounting things that need to be changed inside my life.

I push away the random thoughts and try to concentrate on good intentions and visualize the way I want my life to be. I lay quietly, staring out the window at the dawn sky. Knowing the Universe is again, trying to talk to me, and again, I'm missing the message.

I was moving forward until the lesson came back around and I failed again. I let my voice be silent, instead opting for helping others while letting my own voice remain quiet and shy in the back of the room. I try to get in words, but not sure how to say. I try to show the world I can, but to timid to step forward and demand.

The anxiety creeps in, reminding me of the past, pushing feelings to the surface that I try to keep at bay. My heart speeds up, my chest gets heavy, breathing isn't easy and deep breathing hurts, like I've been smoking all day. Heavy, and dark feeling.

Every morning at 3:19. No alarm til 5. The Universe tries when it thinks you'll listen the most. I try. I pray. I intend a beautiful life, a peaceful existance on this planet. I look for the things I am most grateful for. Finding many, yet still aching. Every morning at 3:19 the silence echoes loudly through the house I have worked so hard for.

The sounds of those that have come, gone and come again. Seeking answers to the lessons we didn't learn before. Karma letting us watch the return from what we put out in the past. Some comes back good, some bad. Karma returns to us what we put into the Universe. Always on a loop back.

3:19 A.M. I stare at the ceiling and try to see only good. Try to bless those that are in my life for whatever reason and ask the Universe to help me raise my awareness, to help my activate my inner being and learn to live the way I was always meant. Deep breathing, pushing away the negative brain that insists on pushing through, bouncing around the plastic blown up walls of my mind. What is real?

I wake early. Been doing it on and off for two and a half years. First we had an earthquake. It shook us awake so to speak. I had been wanting more time to stay home and work on me. Craving the empty moments of silence as I looked inside myself, finding trauma, love, happiness, moments of clarity and peace and moments of darkness and pain. I faced them alone, as best I could not knowing what growth was taking place.

Our lives get shook up in order for us to grow. Our walls get shook down in order for us to learn. We get back up and build again, each time stronger than before. The earthquake started the journey for me. From that day on the world was not the same. People were in panic, afraid of everything. The pandemic began adding fuel to the fear fire. Political upset, conquer and divide. We have not been the same. Going on three years, a brand new world is being seen. We are crumbling beliefs long in place, we are building better and stronger ties to love and unity, and freedom.

I thought I would pass the test. I thought I would have learned, but here I still am, alone, afraid, and getting up every morning in the dark to face the monsters I cannot see. The dreams have gone again. But I remember the ones that came. I sleep soundly though, taking no time at all to fall to sleep each night. I remember the dreams of yesterday.

I remember the fear, I remember the rush that was felt. I remember the scene that was set. "Don't believe everything you see, it isn't always what it seems." I try and apply that to my life now, hoping it was a warning for what I am going through and will still be going through. I am finding my voice. I am learning to step out of fear and speak my truth. I am learning to love me as I am and have faith in my own abilities. I am learning to let go. I am learning to move forward. I am learning. Always learning.

The best thing I can learn right now is to let go of the Anxiety. Let the Universe help bring the life i am creating for myself. The life I am taking steps to build. The Universe will take care of everything and it will all be okay. I just have to be me, and love myself and the world around me. Let go of the anxiety of a world crumbling to the ground. Deep breaths and the knowledge, it is my birthright. I am One.