Journal entries

- One thing I've found myself being really good at is pushing away the people who get close to me. Some of them stick around and each time that happens, I'm equally amazed and terrified. They end up knowing me so well, what if they one day decide to leave? Will my secrets be safe with them after the bridge has been demolished? If they don't leave, will my secrets, bad sides and dumb things I do, be used against me in a moment of weakness?

- Giving myself and everything I am, stnading naked in front of someone I try to trust with my whole heart, might be one of the most terrifying moments I could ever experience, despite how much I'm wanting to.

- Slowly I'm falling more and more for you. I've told you a little bit about my messy head and I continue to let you in some more and it's terrifying. No person I've had a thing for romantically has been able to be okay with how much of a rollercoaster I can be. Sometimes my thoughts spiral and I can't explain exactly which thought made my mood drop. It just did. Can you handle it?

- To the naked eye I'm a confident, happy and social person. Great, people percieve me exactly how I want to be percieved. But, behind a closed door, alone with nothing my thoughts, reality is a different story. I'm definitely doing a lot better, but I still have times where all I want to do is crawl into bed and stay there. No appetite, no need for for anything but the heat my cover provides. The slightest change in someones attitude, What did I do wrong this time? Did I say something to upset you? Was I being annoying yet again? Remember, it wasn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, they will tell you if it was you. Repeat that to yourself and forget it until you get home and can talk to someone about it. Helping others is what I know how to do. Gives me time to not think about myself, because focusing on yourself is selfish, right? Wrong. Can I become the confident, happy and social person I'm percieved as or am I stuck with the mess I am? Dream big.

- I want you. I want to share my life with you, even if it's very different from yours. I want to share my ups and downs with you. I want to grow with you.

- There's a fine line between being controlling and possessive. Do you feel possessive over me? If not, I get it. I'm a rebound, temporary, a chapter, not the end of the book. If not, let me go. Let me go before I get attatched. Before i get possessive over you. If not, why did you disturb my peace in the first place? I was doing fine on my own, fine without knowing you. But if you do, let me know. Tell me that I'm not just a rebound, not just comfort. I want to be there for you, be a light in the darkness that surrounds us both. If you do, do you see me in your future like I do you?

- Numb, emotionally numb. How do you even begin to explain how your mind and emotions start to go numb as a coping mechanism?

- Some days everything is just too much. I say I'm fine and I'm okay even when that is nowhere near the truth. I keep everything locked away and I don't think I'll ever be able to open up 100%.