Je ne sais quoi.

I’m back.

Mentally unavailable. Locked down. Caged. Unable to focus on what my brain has been struggling to verbalize. So much stimuli. Not enough care to break it down to truly understand what the message was I was failing to see. After a little hiatus, I have much needed clarity. Things that once made sense are being reassessed and the answers i didn’t know I needed have made themselves present.

With age, wisdom comes as well. Whether you ask it to or not, it’s thrusted upon you. I truly believed that the things I’ve experienced and realities I’m privileged to were subsidiaries of growth and age. But what if the case is that life no longer handles you with kid gloves? There are no more filters. There are no more training wheels.

I’m not here to complain and whine about how many setbacks I’ve dealt with. I’m not here for a sympathetic ear to grieve about the curveballs hurled my way. I’m not even going to begin to start on the innumerable lessons we learn as adults that our predecessors never even shed light on. Because no one cares. The amount of heartbreak you experience as an adult that’s not tied to romantic relationships is one of the few things we don’t discuss as humans. We are quick to avoid those topics because they are unfortunate and messy, and they don’t quantify with each person equally.

I don’t like being made painfully aware of my humanity. It’s a sobering experience to be reminded of the things that can still hurt you without physically leaving a mark. By nature, we work so hard to shield ourselves up against the very things that we are most vulnerable to. To spend years strengthening something you hope never gets tested, only to find out all your work and preparation didn’t even hold up against a true test can be debilitating. It can have you questioning what you were even doing with all that time and preparation. I can tell you right now, I spent more time being upset and disappointed than I even realized because you don’t expect to have to ever face the reality you fought so hard to avoid.

2021 has taken more from me than any other year of life to date. The intangibles taken have been at a seismic rate. There are other years where I’ve lost friends, loved ones, relationships, jobs, opportunities. But this year has been more calculated in the loss. Peace of mind, trust, self, understanding, direction. I’ve thrown my hands up in complete “what the fuck” fashion countless times just during the creation of this piece. I’ve struggled to stay mentally present because joy has been found in other dimensions. Focusing on the now is bothersome. Staying grounded is tiresome. Remaining vigilant and positive is meddlesome. One of the biggest drains is when you have the understanding of manifestation and you realize your mental output is powerful and conducive to materializing what it is that you truly desire BUT some days you just want to exist because simply existing is like taking a reprieve from the tumultuous journey of always grinding and fighting for the reality you know is tangible. I understand that if I don’t put in the work, then no progress is made. And no progress being made is like a house just sitting in a lot and no construction is being done. How can something get completed if you lack the power, passion, energy, and desire to complete it? No one else can want it just as bad as me and takeover for me. It’s not even about understanding the marathon versus sprint concept, it’s just about the fear of perpetually being average or fight your fucking ass off to one day have more than you know what to do with.

I think that’s just it for me. What drives me today is far different than what drove me five years ago. Writing five years ago, I was a young man in the middle of a terrible decision so I wrote from a place of hurt and confusion and misguided emotion. In my dreams, I often speak to 25 year old me and I let him know that the struggles he went through were so unnecessary. The struggles didn’t build character and set me up to become an enlightened version of myself. All I did was subject myself to a bunch of emotional trauma that I would later spend ungodly amounts of resources on just to undo the damage.

What if the path to enlightenment and achieving a higher “self” meant constant heartbreak and a shattering of all the things you once held firm to as a foundation for who you are? As a person that absolutely fears stagnation, the allure of evolving and growing to become a higher version of myself is provocative at the least. The allure of possibly becoming someone that sees beyond my current limitations and struggles and possesses skills that dwarf what I’m currently capable of intimidate and fascinate me on a level far beyond my own understanding. Delving into my own subconscious and trying to make sense of the clues left behind in dreams and in my own actions fuels the curiosity. Understanding the intangibles such as auras, energy, and vibes isn’t just about the pursuit of knowledge of spirituality, but I want to understand how is it that some can sense it despite not possessing the same magnetism. Those that can sense it tend to do so before the person they’re latching on to is even aware and manipulation takes place long before a wrong is even realized.

My prayers have switched dramatically. This wasn’t by design. Just by way of living and walking in another light. It’s so in vogue to call yourself spiritual because of the intricacies and blurred lines of religion. I have my foundational beliefs and I also place a large emphasis on manifesting what I desire and then putting in the requisite work. My faith says to see it in my mind’s eye and believe that if it is meant to be, then it will, but it will not be attained by sitting, wishing, and waiting. I don’t have room in life for hopes and wishes. I only leave room for dreams because that paints the picture for the reality I fight to manifest.

Finding a wind down point, I really love dreaming. It’s one of the few joys and mysteries still left in life that doesn’t cost you a thing to do so. The amount of freedom I have with dreaming is unmatched to any other control and I can exhibit in this life. But it’s not the control that is allure to dreaming. It’s the meanings that can be deduced from them. The dreams that are so vivid yet they have no one that you are currently acquainted with. Or you are partaking in life events you know have not transpired for you physically. What’s it all supposed to mean? I refuse to believe that it’s just random scenarios cooked up by my brain to pass time while I’m sleeping. I’m too far beyond that primitive of a mindset to believe it has no significance.

It feels good to go on a good brain dump after not being able to constructively create for such a long time.