It's Hard to Ask for Help When You're a Perfectionist

I can only write about being a perfectionist based on personal life experience and my views on perfectionism. For myself, I can say it’s possible to let go of some of the effects of being a perfectionist by letting go of bits and pieces of a normal routine of perfectionism through awareness.

Order and organization

I have this routine every morning that starts with making coffee and making my bed. I have to have everything in order before I sit down at my desk. My desk, however, isn’t neatly packed with notebooks, pens, and a coffee cup. I allow it to be in disarray for a few days at a time because it’s one of those things I let go of since all I need is my functioning laptop, my notes, and hot coffee. I know where everything is and I’m the only one that will see it.

I like organized thoughts and details down to how clothing is arranged in my drawers. I don’t have a lazy trait. I see things that need to get done and I just do what it takes to manage what I see needing attention by priority. I can multi-task. I know not everyone can.

I don’t think it’s all from being influenced as a child as much as it’s a part of who I am, which means a piece of it must be innate. My parents were organized. My dad was a perfectionist. There were things he wouldn’t let my mother do because he would want them done in his way.

I like laundry to be in hampers, not hugging the carpet on the floor. If you can’t get your clothes in the hamper, why have one?

I LIKE CLEANLINESS so much that too much disarray and clutter interrupts my focus. It’s a quirky trait and I’ve learned to let go of some of the things I used to always feel needed to be done before doing a big project. I just define it as liking order and sometimes it’s okay for there not to be a lot of order.

I’m a contradiction, too, though. Cleaning my desk can go after I’m done writing. Some things can wait now. When you have a 9 to 5, there’s so much you have to hurry and get done in your evenings and your weekends. Since I don’t have that anymore, I have more time to write. I guess you could say I’m married to language.

I like a perfect lawn in the summer, but who doesn’t? Well, okay, I know there are imperfect ones out there. I’m critical of trash and parked cars in front yards. I don’t like to see holiday decorations in the yard in July. This doesn’t tell me these homeowners aren’t necessarily perfectionists as much as it gives me information about other characteristics or behaviors.

Not everybody likes to clean or be clean and in some cases, even if they want to, they can’t.

The upside of being a perfectionist

Perfectionists tend to be ambitious and motivated. I don’t like to be idle. The only time my dad was idle was when he was watching television in the evening.

Perfectionists may pay closer attention to details. When I worked at a law firm, details were important to me. Being organized and systematic was important.

What you might think is an unnecessary detail might make a meaningful article attract more of an audience with a little more attention.

As a perfectionist, you probably have higher standards. It doesn’t mean you’re a snobby individual; it means you like things to look clean and neat.

Image is important to me because that’s a lesson learned from my dad. As I matured, it made sense to have a neat appearance if you’re wanting people to listen to you and believe what you say as opposed to the other way around.

Generally, a perfectionist is okay with working overtime when needed.

Since perfectionists have a high personal standard, it is easy for the individual to meet the standards of clients, colleagues and higher ups. If a person have a low standard of doing their work, they usually have to work hard to meet the conjectures of others.

On the other hand, perfectionists already have a high standard. It is relatively easy for them to meet the expectation of clients and others. Perfectionists usually have a nearly impossible standard set for themselves and they strive hard to achieve the goal. (Source.)

The downside to being a perfectionist

If you’re a perfectionist, then you already know you have to learn to let things go. We, perfectionists, tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to get things “just right.” Sometimes they’re not just right and we have to move on.

I used to make wedding cakes and if something didn’t look just right (and probably some detail no one would ever see but me), it would make me crazy. After a while, I had to let it go.

Time management at a job or with any task can become counter-productive if you spend too much time focusing on one little unnecessary detail.

You don’t want to be a perfectionist that carries details to the extreme because that will annoy some people. Try to have a balance. If you think your behavior is making yourself crazy, think about how it could be affecting others.

Since perfectionists like to do their job in a certain way, they try to exercise control over people for it. They really do not like change or any other factor that can change their work methods and other practices.

The best way to combat this, is try to be as open minded as possible and welcome the change. Some changes might be good for employees, especially in a busy office environment. They can also use their perfectionist abilities to keep track of changes and document them for future references for other employees. Hence, try to use your habit so that it can be beneficial for others. (Source.)

Is there a healthy balance in being a perfectionist?

I’m not an expert. I can only speak from my own experiences.

As I say, my dad was a perfectionist. Both my children are too but to varying degrees. I believe part of the behavior is innate and some of it is enhanced by what was experienced by example.

When I was growing up, I always wondered why my dad would never let me help mow the lawn. Now I know why. He wanted rows to be straight and no missed areas. After my mom passed away and he became ill, he finally let me mow. I think I just told him I was going to do it.

I find you have to make concessions with yourself. For example, permit yourself to not have a personal project look so pristine while thinking about the time you’ll save if you stop fretting over it.

Perfectionists tend to compare their projects with those of others. Stop doing that. It doesn’t matter. If someone makes something that looks better than yours, it doesn’t mean you failed. If you tried, you won.

Is perfectionism entirely genetic or conditioned? A few years ago, Forbes ran an article entitled Harnessing the Positives of Perfectionism proposing an answer to that question.

While there is no definitive answer, research suggests that the causes are both temperamental (resulting from genetic conditions) and personality (shaped in the development process). In other words, we can be born with specific predispositions that are either strengthened or weakened as the mind matures. Different factors determine whether these behaviors stick. For example, the environment we grow up in and excessively critical or demanding parents are both factors that exacerbate perfectionist tendencies. (Source.)

I believe it’s a bit of both. I think it’s partly innate plus enhanced if one or both parents have the same trait. In my case, my dad. My dad wanting something to be done “right” was the same thing as wanting to control the project because he wanted it to be perfect. I’m the same way to a degree, which behavior was enhanced in my children. We call it the curse but learning to let go is being embraced.

© Cathy Coombs

About the Author

Earning a B.A. in English Journalism & Creative Writing in my 40s affirmed my love for literature, language, and writing. I just published my third eBook, Made to Think, and am currently finalizing a true-crime book that I researched for the past decade.

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