Those of you who know me personally, will know I have had a very tumultuous marriage. Up and down beyond belief. We've fought HARD, but loved even harder. He has made many many mistakes that have caused HUGE rifts in our relationship. There was a point where I was getting asked DAILY, 'when will you leave him?'
Can I just say, if you're THAT friend, stop it now.
So, I have been married for four years now. If you're from an Islamic, or any type of cultural background, the start of this blog is perfect for you.
I met my husband when my daughter was only six months old. I'd known him since I was 18, and we re-kindled in June 2015. How we got back in touch is a whole other story that I will have to get into another time. But for the meantime, this is how our journey began.
I was at a part in my life where I was praying five times a day, I absolutely shunned sex before marriage (which to be fair I still do, if we were to break up at any point, I would continue to carry the same beliefs through the rest of my life just because it's something personal to me).
So no sex before marriage in this day and age? Fucking how?
Ladies, sisters, let me tell you something. I can't stress this enough. Whether you have sex outside of marriage or not, sex is one of the BIGGEST parts of your marriage/relationship! If not THE most important thing, because if all else fails at least he got the dick dick, ya know?
My husband and I spent nights together in separate beds in hotels for little spontaneous get aways, and this man didn't even TOUCH me. Didn't even try. You know what that is? Respect.
This part is for my sisters. Its 2019, the reality of you meeting someone and them marrying you immediately the Islamic way is kind of outdated and hardly happens anymore. So yes, you will date. HOW you carry yourself is SO crucial! NEVER allow yourselves to be disrespected, EVER. The moment a man questions your sexual beliefs, and the honourable manner in which you carry yourself, sis, he.got.to.go.
My husband never EVER questioned anything. You know it took me three months to kiss him? The girl who had a baby out of wedlock. Who had a relatively promiscuous lifestyle. And he RESPECTED the hell out of it, he respected me, and my wishes so much so that he would tremble when I would hold his hand. It really was the perfect, innocent, 1920s Turkey type of approach to a relationship. Thats where I fell in love with him. I actually remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. You know like, in movies when the hopeless romantic suddenly reaches an epiphany, realises she loves this dickhead standing before her, the emotional music comes on? Yeah, I heard my favourite sad song play in my head the moment I realised I loved this wanker.
I sometimes wish I could replay that moment. Just go back to a time where he was scared to even hold my hand. Now, he's hurt me SO much. And that's marriage for you. It brings the UGLIEST you out. Sometimes, I'm even shocked at myself when we argue. I'm like 'fucking hell is that really me?'. I won't get into one of the biggest mistakes he has ever made, but I'm pretty sure you already guessed it. Yeah. We're working on healing now.
In a way, it was a good mistake. It brought us closer, much, much closer. But enough of that, let's talk marriage/long term relationships, and all of its different stages, and requirements that I have piled up.
Jheeeeeeeze. BABES. The worst part for me in EVERYTHING, all the fights, all the drama, all the everything, is 100 percent the initial adaptation stage of being married/living together. It was the fucking worst. I came from a home with a mom who is a hoarder. Cooking wise, I only knew how to make pasta, light fry a chicken by charring the shit out of it, and just about knew how to crack an egg (still never boiled one). He himself is an incredibly OCD, perfectionist. Like, it doesn't matter if there's a cloud of dust somewhere, it HAS to look tidy. Hell hath no fury on a man like him when there's ONE FUCKING TOY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM. ANYTHING out of place, it was a fight. And considering where I came from, EVERYTHING was ALWAYS out of place. When you first start living together, adapting to each other's personalities etc. is so difficult. Let me tell you. You can be with someone for 10/20+ years, you never truly know a person until you have lived with them. Even then you won't ever really know someone, but that's for later in the blog. The person you worshipped can become your worst enemy in a split second should they do something that would tick you off to the MAX in your home. It doesn't go without saying, your home is your safe haven. And if you don't learn to adapt to each other's habits/ways of living within your space, things will turn sour very quickly. Your safe haven can quickly become your war zone, so be careful. You BOTH have to learn to be patient with one another. It sounds stupid now, but if you're cleanliness-obsessed, and your man's throwing his socks here, there, everywhere at the end of the day, it'll seem cute at first, you might even like it, but a few months down the line when your arguments etc. start to get REAL and RAW as fuck, that cute little sock moment will become the very source of a new REAL and RAW as fuck argument. Those socks can take the argument to ALL sorts of places, so you need to learn to be honest with each other, and talk about the things that irritate you the most from the beginning, before things get out of hand.
Oh god. I won't even begin on how bad our fights are. Our fights can even get physical (obviously without the kids present), but that because we're both literally the same person. But if there is ANYTHING I've learnt from being with a narcissist, is you gotta know when to walk away. Some arguments are really not worth it. Do you remember the times your parents would have a bad day out of the home, at work or just out shopping, anything. They would come home and take it ALLLL out on our innocent arses? Yeah, marriage is the same fucking thing. I can't do this as much, because I don't work—he does. So he has the stresses of life on his shoulders_and when shit goes down outside, I prepare myself. I know it's going to be a fight. Before, I would immediately put my guard up, armed and fucking ready for a war. You see, I'm actually an incredibly angry, and aggressive person when I'm ticked off. And nobody can tick me off like him. They will bring the most exaggerated version of your personas out. My good wife persona (you know when you gave them little boys the wifey treatment, and they fucked you over?) is so perfectly, and overly exaggerated when he makes me happy. Even good dicking the night before is enough for me to be the perfect wife in the morning. My sexy persona; he brings the most exaggerated, filthy dirt bag out of me it's unreal. My angry psycho bitch persona? Now that's the worst. You will only really know how to handle future fights, by fighting in the present. Yes, sometimes the arguments will bring you to such terrible stages. I have tears in my eyes as I write this, because we have fought so, SO bad, we are both so ugly when we fight man. But with baby steps, we've figured it out. The more sane one walks away, the more pissed one stays behind, and talks some shit, then a few minutes later 'baby you hungry?'. It's so hard in the beginning. The fights man, it will really make you question 'yo, do I even want to be with this person for the rest of my life?' YES. Yes you do, I promise you do! And not all fights and problems need to be shared with your friends.
Here's a common sense disclaimer here: If you've been with your partner/husband for a LONG time, and he does some nice shit for you, do you ring your bestie like 'hey girl he totally got me some flowers, took the kids to school in the morning' etc. etc. etc. Do you? I didn't think so. Why? Because you get so used to your life with this person, they become a part of YOU. So when they do some nice shit, you enjoy that moment. You don't think to immediately call your friend like you would do if y'all were together for a few months etc. No, we only call our friends, to BITCH about our men. It's fact, don't even argue with me on this, I will totally crush you. Your friends then, build this horrific person in their minds. You see how he will bring the most exaggerated persona out of you? You do the same to him. So, if you and your man are arguing over something to do with money let's say, you see a man, fuming, because you've gone over your spending limit with the joint account, which means he now has to work extra hours to cover that money (this is an example guys), and obviously, arguments being arguments, it'll start as that, and lead to some other dumb shit until eventually everything gets so blown out of proportion that you forget what you were even fighting over. Now. When you explain this fight to your friend (especially your single friend) all they will see, is that exaggerated persona of him, which only YOUR eyes see. They will see a controlling, abusive man who controls all finances and your life etc. etc. etc. And soon enough, all you will hear from them will be 'when the hell are you going to leave him? you're so much better than this' etc. etc. Stop it. If you are that friend too, stop it. Because she is not going to leave him, the more you say it, the more awkward your friendship will get. I promise you it doesn't help, or make even the slightest difference. In time, you will figure it out, but for now, if you're newly wed, or you're about to be wed/move in together, just prepare yourself. Prepare to question all your life choices, and your own sanity. If you guys don't work TOGETHER, and just work against one another, it's not gonna work, honey.
Girls, I'm sorry. I don't think a lot of you will like this, especially if you're a hardcore feminist, but I'm going to be that Turkish aunty for you today, and tell you that yes, self care is SO important. And no, I'm not talking skincare or makeup routine, I'm talking for ya man, and ya man only. Since we've been together, I have ALWAYS dollied up somehow for him before he comes home. I'm sorry if this sounds terrible, but your man always needs to be reminded of what he has sitting at home. Don't let yourself go just because you're now comfortable. Like no. You've spent a HUGE portion of your life spending time in front of the mirror, making sure your hair, makeup, and outfit is on point just to walk out into public and impress complete strangers. And stop talking rubbish, yes we get ready and dolly ourselves up to feel confident in ourselves etc, but when you get attention on the streets, it boosts your confidence 10 fold. Why would you stop now? Whats stopping you from sitting in front of the mirror before your man gets home, and just doing something to yourself? Even if it's filling in your eyebrows, or making that messy bun look fucking sexy as shit. What? I'm not saying do a full face of makeup, and dress like a stripper. But do SOMETHING. I used to have very thin eyebrows (LOL to my life), and I would make sure my eyebrows were filled in before he came home. Now, how I fix up my ass is simple. I get my eyelashes done every few weeks, or I do them myself, whatever I'm feeling. I have certain creams and scents that I use JUST at home. I'll spray a little perfume behind my ears, so its not overpowering, but it's strong enough, so the moment I hug him when he comes in from work, he doesn't smell a sweaty ass, needing a shower, stressed out tired AF mother. He just smells whatever scent I chose that day along with my natural scent. It's cute, it works. I brush my hair, I either make my messy bun look sexy, or I straighten my hair. I never wear slobby pyjamas—just because, for the most part I don't like them. I live in joggers, tracksuit sets, leggings etc. I make whatever the hell I'm wearing to bed SOMEWHAT sexy. Don't ask me how, I just do. In other words, I'm always on point at home. It makes me feel incredibly good. Thats another thing, if you have children, and you've been in the same clothes for two or three days, you haven't showered, whatever it is, you feel like complete shit. But just one ten min shower is enough to make you feel somewhat better no? It literally takes 30 seconds to brush your hair. If you don't wanna do it for his miserable ass, do it for YOU. You are SO important. As the woman, you run this shit at home. My husbands always said, when I'm ill, or something's wrong with me and I'm unable to do the normal shit I do day to day, everything and everyone in the house breaks. YOU NEED TO BE HAPPY, BABY. Without you, everything will break, remember that. And yes, of course we all have our bad days. If you see me rocking the same mum bun, and trakkies with the holes in them, just know, I'm on my period.
Sex Sex Sex:
Oh hi there, you sexual beast.
It's no secret, sex is one of the most, if not, THE most important part of any marriage. If that doesn't work, you're basically done for.
Take things slow. Don't dive straight into the nasty stuff. Give yourselves time to get to know one another's bodies. Even if you're in a long term relationship without living with each other, consistent sex in the same house is very different to not living together sex. Sounds stupid, but I promise you, you'll only know when you start doing it yourself. Give yourselves time to memorise each other's triggers. The things that set each other off. The certain points in each other's bodies that give off certain different triggers. If you dive straight into the dirty stuff, you won't have anything left to do, if that makes sense. I've been quite vanilla for most of my life. I mean, I didn't even start sucking my husbands balls until a few months ago. I've been THAT vanilla. Now I feel like some professional porn star. I won't get into too much detail on what we get up to (oi oi), but what I CAN tell you, is it really isn't worth having all that fun in the beginning. Enjoy each other. Surprise each other. Don't make it a pride issue, just suck his dick out of the blue sometimes. Just whack it out, and go to town with it. Sometimes, you need to do things without expecting anything in return, and yes, he should absolutely 1000000 percent be doing the same thing for you too. Once you've got to a stage in your marriage where it's time to try new things, push some boundaries. Cross lines. Have a drink, get drunk with your man, and just try something different. With baby steps. I think one of my number one tips. Have sex bans. Seriously. Ban sex for a couple of weeks, do something else that's sexual instead. Learn to have sex without penetration. Find new ways to excite each other. Just lay down the ground rules! Tell him straight! No sex for a week or two weeks. Do everything else sexual in the mean time. Bring each other to THAT point where you both can no longer hack it, then make each other come WITHOUT any penetration. Trust me, it will make you guys re-appreciate each other, and your bodies. We tried this recently, I WISH we did it before. It obviously didn't end well, the penetration commenced not long after (oops), but FUCKING HELL IT WAS AMAZING. Best sex we've had in YEARS. We re-memorised all our 'spots'. We took time on each other's bodies, we found new triggers, and new spots. Our sex life was already amazing, but this made it a bagillionnnn times better.
Keeping the Spark Alive
This can be so hard. This all depends on your relationship, and how you guys generally do things. Be spontaneous, do random, crazy ass shit together. If you can see things are getting a bit mundane and boring, book a little weekend away! Go on a hiking trip. Do anything that you wouldn't normally do. Try new things out TOGETHER. Flirt ENDLESSLY. Please don't stop once you guys have each other on smash with the whole marriage thing. Flirt like it's your first date. Encourage him to do so too, men are so stupid, they feed off of us most of the time. When we're positive, they are too. One of you always has to be sane in order for the other one to be too. Like I mentioned above, surprise each other, sexually, ALL THE TIME. Suck his dick under the table, pin the cunt down, and sit on his face. Get a cute lingerie set once in a while (primark, £10 for an average saucy set). Experiment with toys and sex games etc. Every now and again, make the time to get drunk/high. Seriously. Every now and again, just get shitfaced with your man. Pretend you're a teenager getting drunk off of WKD with her crush, get shitfaced. Watch a hilarious movie together, or go fuck some shit up. You don't have to hate each other, enjoy each other, please.
I don't want to say this. But never say never. YOU might never cheat, but this doesn't mean he won't. Call me sexist. Men.are.fucking.dogs. And yes, in case you're wondering, it happened to me in my marriage too. It is still something I am very VERY much struggling to overcome, it's very, VERY painful. Which is why I'm writing this. No matter how much you love this dickhead, Never trust him the same way you love him. You should never fully trust anyone in life anyway. When you build expectations, and they get crushed, you get crushed in the process. I'm not saying, go down his phone, and all his personal belongings. I'm saying, don't be fucking naive. Always leave room for doubt!
Since it happened to me, I've noticed so many inconsistencies in other people's stories about their men. Sometimes I just wanna backhand my friends like SERIOUSLY BITCH, YA CAN'T SEE WHATS HAPPENING??????
Yes, not all men cheat, a lot of women cheat too. But, the reality is, when it happens, it happens. And it fucking hurts. Mine is still quite fresh, its only been six months since its happened. My heart stopped beating six months ago, and it hasn't beaten properly since. I often feel myself physically breaking. Of course he doesn't know the extent of my feelings, but getting over something like that is hard. Yes, you can leave. Yes, I can leave. But I have a family. This is his last chance. He knows it too. This is another thing. Be forgiving, but don't be a mug. I'm not saying forgive them when they cheat on you, absolutely not, how YOU deal with that, is on you. But, if you're allowing this to happen anything more than the ONCE, then you my friend, need a reality check. When I say don't fully trust him, I don't mean it in a bad way, I'm saying for you. Because when your expectation of this PERFECT man literally crumbles in SECONDS when you find out, it literally kills you. Eats you from the inside out like a fucking parasite. I guess I'll have to talk about my experience another time, when I'm feeling ready to put it out there more, but if this has happened to you, you're not alone. Please get in contact with me if you want to talk. I know it hurts, believe me. In a nutshell, marriage/longterm relationships are SO challenging. It will test every inch of your being. Your heart, mind, body, soul. It takes a long time to figure things out. In Turkey we say, if you've gotten passed the first five years of marriage, then you're all good to go. You are constantly getting to know each other. Every DAY we learn new things. Every year, we can be almost a completely different version of ourselves from the year before. Marriage, is a journey of growth. You learn to grow together. This is the beauty of it. If you're already married and have been for a very long time, I can guarantee, the man/woman you married X amount of years ago, absolutely isn't the same person anymore, am I right? And neither are you. Men take longer to grow than women do, absolute scientific fact. Even if you don't do any of these things, the one thing you HAVE to do is learn to grow with one another. Learn to adapt and compromise to new situations TOGETHER. Work together instead of working against one another. Love each other HARD, so fucking hard. You may have kids, but one day they will grow up, spread their wings and fly. They will begin a journey of their own, and you guys will be left alone again. Our parents will die of old age, family, everyone we have will all drift away at some point, and there you guys will be again, staring at each other from one end of the room to the other. Hold each other. Never forget to say 'I love you', you never know when it'll be the last time you do.
Stay Solid Family.