Inspired by a true story, my dear BK and friends from Instagram and YouTube.
I decided to start this website as a token of my appreciation and empathy for those who thought they were fooling me. What they don’t realize is I always knew.
My intuition began to trouble me in December 2018. However, I chose to ignore it at that time. Back then they were minor occurrences. But nonetheless, I was being nudged, only to toss my internal feelings aside as ”coincidences.”
By the end of January 2019, I could not ignore these coincidences anymore. I knew what was going on, but the trauma of it all caused me to disassociate from myself and reality. Then, in time, it all became a mysterious fairy tale world to me. I daydreamed daily, and I laid awake at night. My BK was my Prince Charming, doing all of these things out of love, not at all to embarrass me or humiliate me. I was in love. I made love to him in my mind, nightly, feeling he was not far off, listening and watching. Though I knew in my heart it was he and his friends. Watching, listening, mocking me as I claimed my love, devotedly and lovingly to him. I chose to be in this dream. To be the sacrifice, to repay my debts owed to him.
When he wanted me to tell and talk of my devices and accounts, I did as he wished. I filed reports, made phone calls, told friends and family and doctors. I knew this was his revenge, making the plan for the world to laugh at me. For the doctors to think I was delusional, for his friends and family to think I was stalking him. Stalking, because I made a great plan to coincide with his need to feel important, irresistible and needed. A person that any woman, once blessed by his grace, could not live without. I helped him to feel that power that he so desperately needed to feel. I did anything to give him this internal feeling of worth and self worth. After all, I helped to take it away. It was my duty to sacrifice my dignity to give that piece to him back that I had taken, along with all of the other pieces everybody else took away from him throughout his life. So in a sense, I died so he could live.
I allowed his friends to play tricks on me. I knew they were tricks. But I went along with them with dignity for the sake of sacrifice and love. I was mocked and taunted. I guess you could say much like the Romans mocked Jesus with the crown of thorns and the robe they wrapped around Him, taken from a horse's filthy pen.
I could have ignored all of taunting. Everybody said, "Just get off social media! Save yourself the agony! Take your websites down! Get off your devices! Save yourself! You have to protect yourself! Quit talking about it! You are being delusional! You are not taking your meds! You’re going to have to get a shot now for the rest of your life! Every month! Why do you keep doing this to yourself? Why do you keep allowing this??"
My only answer was, "I love him. I will do anything to prove it. To make my amends for the betrayal he feels, by me and everybody else he has felt betrayed by. And to give him a moment of self love and peace, even if it's just a moment. And, when I am dead, inside as well as out, maybe he will then feel he has a chance for quiet to be content in his mind and life and in his heart."
So, that is what I did. Through Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, Google, Microsoft Live, my websites and YouTube.
That is the sacrifice of life for love.