In the Midst

Growing up I always had an interesting relationship with my blackness. I never necessarily thought about it as a hindrance or something disadvantageous. I obviously knew I looked different from most of my classmates, rightfully so growing up in a predominately white suburb. Then going through catholic, and private school systems only made that distinction more apparent and noticeable.

I think my first real encounter with racism occurred when I was about 8-9 years old at summer camp. I was having a conversation with acquaintances at that time, and one of the kids called me “blacky” because I refused to give him a ball that moments earlier hit me in the back. I can remember in that moment feeling enraged. Seeing the look in his eyes, the pure disdain- it was clear that the comment was meant with malicious intent. I remember picking the kid up by his shirt and throwing him into the bleachers (as much as an 8-9-year-old could throw another human), while letting him know not to ever call anyone that name. Looking back at it now, 20 years later it seems like such a small transgression but that would only diminish the severity of the issue at hand. A child experiencing such hate, should never be normalized or something they should experience often.

As I got older the microaggressions did not slow down, it was a constant battle with teachers, classmates, coworkers, supervisors, you name it. Thinking back on everything I have gone through and lessons learned from my mom, aunts, uncles, and cousins- I was taught to filter your feelings, and control emotions because there are already so many strikes against you. These strikes being, being black, being seen as aggressive and/or violent, and dependent on your gender expression, sexuality, determines the severity in how badly a situation could be. Mind you these are lessons taught to you as a child, regardless if you have experienced any of these situations. We are thought of as less than human.

My family truly was, and to this day still is my solace when it comes to these matters. It’s never been a matter of someone being more or less black than one another (even though the joke may be passed around every now and then) it’s just about us spending time together and unpacking all the shit we encounter on a daily basis. Kind of the venting session that only the people closest to you would understand. Don’t get me wrong we have a good time, but there isn’t a time where black and brown people don’t experience some sort of microaggression, or transgression centered around their skin color.

I watched a few videos last night that ranged in the spectrum from white people saying the n-word and police brutality to white people feeling uncomfortable and fragile when the topic of racism was brought up. One that stuck with me was the interview that Rev. Louis Farrakhan did in 1990. The show had white and black people split down the middle where matters of race were discussed. I will embed the video below so you can see the interview.

• Feel free to skip to 5:30 for what I am referencing specifically.

"Isn't it sad that we who have been the victims of so much violence, now white folks fear violence from us. We do not have a history of killing white people, white people have a history of killing us. And what you fear, and it's a deep guilt thing that white folks suffer. You are afraid that if we come to power that we will do to you and your fathers what you and your people have done to us. And I think you are judging us by the state of your own mind, and that is not necessarily the mind of black people".

As you will see in the interview the misunderstandings were widespread. As you can see in the video the black people were trying to express their strife, while the white people were combative or just unwilling to listen. It's relentless and daunting continuously explaining the plight black people go through daily. Not to mention that we had to be in the midst of a pandemic for people to realize how ingrained racism is in our system, this only proves how deep the problem truly runs.

As it's been about three weeks since the protests began, and we are finally starting to see some reformation. However, this is only the beginning, and there are levels to this, and we need to be able to properly remove what is not cohesive to a functioning society. I would be remiss if I did not mention this is not an issue that will be solved in the immediate future. We are going to have to put in the time and work to effectively and constructively build from the ground up to make a solid foundation that will keep this from occurring again. With that said I am filled with optimism. We are on the brink change in all realms; elections in November, people demanding that we defund the corrupt systems that keep BIPOC oppressed, and an overall astounding response to us needing a new norm.

I think now, I can definitely say I have become a lot more comfortable and solidified in who I am as person (thank god), and if I had a wish for the future - aside from what we are currently protesting, would be that black children whether they boys, girls, trans, gay, straight, nonbinary, disabled, etc. feel sure of themselves. I hope they feel valued, acknowledged, understood, and overall do not have go through the senseless hate that many of us before them have experienced. They, being the children deserve to move through life at their pace, not seen as aggressive and violent monolithic beings. They deserve to experience childhood and emerge into adulthood without the burden of having hate trauma. Life serves all of us difficulties, no one can control that. What we can control is how treat people. So simply don't be a dick, treat people equally, as they should be.