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If I could go back

Rewind time

By Mickey T Published 3 years ago 5 min read
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If I could go back
Photo by Daniel Schludi on Unsplash

Cher said it best "If I could turn back time". Today as I am thinking back. I have been in Springfield almost a year. What got me here to this place? Did I believe that 5 years ago when I started in Illinois that my life would have taking this turn? That three ago my life went a wrong left turn. What was thinking of and what I can't let seem to understand. What did I do to this man to make him pick me? I think this is a question that will hang in my mind forever. Why me?

I asked him once and he said it was because I talked about my family. I will play it back in my mind to the day I met him. I wonder if I could have done anything different. Could I have not been friendly or not done something? I don’t know if I could have done anything different is what people say to me. I am emotional because I see how much this has taken a toll on me. I won't ever get closure on this. I won't trust another man again with my heart, body or soul. IF I COULD TURN BACK TIME, would it different? I don’t know if my life would be better or worse. If I had not been mixed up with this man, where would I be today? Would I be happy, sad content or just going through the motions? I am sure that I can't go back and do it over, because I might have done the same thing.

I look at the times I talked to him. Did i mislead him in any way? Did I give off a scent that said "please I want to have an affair with you? did I by mistake do something that was sending a message. I remember I am who I am, and I remember taking him a piece of cake for his birthday. Did that start it? As my mentor and teacher, I was glad to have his knowledge, but I did not get that a piece of cake or a Christmas present would have made someone become a predator. That was 3 years ago, and I moved to the state to be with him. Yet I am not with him.

I was walking today on a beautiful Springfield day. I walked downtown and I was enjoying this day waiting for my son to get done. I know this man better than anyone. He tells people his issues and what medications he is on. He likes to be the center of attention and yet tells me he does not want to be. My thought today was when he said he had a medical diagnosis of bipolar, I called him out and said he was so full of it. I told him he is not. His therapist is a quack.I know him .I can feel him. That is the crazy part of this, I know better than anyone. It doesn’t matter because he made a choice. He choice to tuck his tail in and hide behind his wife. Anyone who does that, is a coward. Do I love him? I do which is the messed-up part of me. There are people who strive to bring you down. She has reduced him to nothing. I thought to myself that if I run into him in the streets of Springfield or Republic will I even recognize him? This six-foot five man who is probably now close to 300 lbs because he does not care about himself and retired. Will he will be the same J. Leonard Lover I used to know? He was my Christian Gray. He was the reason I respected my body. Can I spend the next 6 or more years and never cross paths? I live less than 10 miles away. It literally makes me die a little everyday. He is the reason I believed in pure love and felt intimacy for the first time in my 49 years. I will never have that again with another human. The joy, pure pleasure, ecstasy without a drug you can feel with one human being. The amazing high of being totally satisfied on every level. Like I was watching the movie.

At the end of the end of the end of day, it was not real, but my soul felt it. I know he felt that someone actually understood him. He was not as messed as he thought he was. He is hiding behind his own fears. What is really scary is what he is gonna teach that child. He will teach him to be a “man”? Makes me shudder to think that another predator will be out there to manipulate women in about 15 years. If something doesn’t change in him, he will teach his child (his son) to manipulate and how to be a predator on woman. Makes me sick to think of the women who will be victims and not even know it. They will hear the same lie; be patient, I am sorry, I can’t leave yet, and so on. Predators prey on the weak. I did not see myself as weak, but he said something, and I fell for it. I saw myself as intelligent, intellectually ok. I had survived a lot in my life, but he saw something, and he got it. He knew i wanted to succeed in my career. He said he would help me, and he sure did.

Smartest mentor I know to this day but looking back I was so naive. Power of persuasive, the touch, the voice. He may have done the same to his wife. I got my son far away from the one I don’t want him to have influence of. This poor boy won’t be so lucky.

humanity
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About the Creator

Mickey T

I came from a simple background. Rural but I was a survivor. I basically became an overachiever. My family barely had a high school education. I went on to get a Masters Degree. I earned everything I ever had.

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