I wish you knew...

Despite all I have been through because you wouldn't answer a call for help, despite nothing has been resolved, nothing has been fixed because you turned away I miss you. You were my normal. The calls at lunch when the world was too much, the weekends together, the memories I still reach for when you loved me. I will never understand what happened to you. Why you never said goodbye, why when I needed a hero when the worst has happened to me I picked you to be not only my hero but to be the standard of my normal.

I don't how you turned into someone so cold, who forgot me. I haven't forgotten anything about you. Not your tattoo, the twitch in your sleep, that you don't drink coffee, the years thinking that you were always a hero, that we were meant to be, the times that I was yours, the man I loved so much, like the moon and the stars. You don't know Judge Beam wanted me to marry you, that he wanted me to move to be with you, that when you told me "if your father hurts you, come to me." I still remember that drawing that you did of our island, the last time I saw you. Judge Beam would ask me every time I saw him " Has he called yet?" and I would say "No but he will." I never knew you to be so cold unfeeling as to let everything I have been through happen to me. to leave me to deal with being raped alone..I came to you the day before the police officer I dated after you punched me so hard it has cost me everything trying to fix with no one to help. I thought if I got it all reported that someone would care. That somehow the world would actually go back to moving in the right direction. I still see you in people.. I still remember what it was like to be your girl. You should have been the father of the child I am carrying not someone who abandon me just like you did. Every man since you except the one that has destroyed my life for over 2 years, has disappeared just like you did. Every friend, every since man I looked at as my hero.

I will never understand your silence, your willingness to cost me my life, everything merely for believing that you had the heart I always knew you to have. The man who could not look at a bruise on my leg from a car accident was able to literally allow me to be destroyed by everyone. That no one including you will return a phone call, a text message, an email while I am left to wonder why all of this was allowed to happen simply because you wouldn't be the man I always knew you to be. I still don't know how to ever reconcile your silence and coldness. I have seen you in others for brief moments, and wondered how they can have the qualities I knew you to have and you have lost them. You were always the love of my life and envied by every man I dated after you. You were home, just like the note you left in my curling iron from you notebook that said " Babygirl Come home soon." I still try to protect you, "our girls" as I once called them. I have watched them grow up in pictures and thought how much they look like you.

I miss family dearly, and think of you often. When I look at a Waffle House I remember mornings spent at them with you. For years I had the feeling our love story should have gone different but I respected your space when you said you needed time. You will always be a unicorn to me. The man who wanted me to be a lawyer, who believed in me. The best compliment I was always given. "You have a beautiful brain, you are magic" outdid by far "I have a heroine addiction." I can not always be the heroine in my own life. I am okay alone but I am better when there is a man in it who loves me. You secrets I still keep, because as much as you changed into someone else, when I see your picture my heart still hurts and tears still fill my eyes. I still speak better of you in the off chance their is still a heart that is not frozen somewhere. I still will never forget you like you have me. I still have tried to protect you when someone wants you dead, someone who knew things about you I didn't know. You like everyone else I cared about is who I based my dream job on, something you would have understood. Something you would have loved.

Just like I will always love you.