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I Was the Toxic Person in the Relationship

I'm learning and unlearning

By Elise Published 4 years ago 3 min read
2

There are many articles out there about being in a relationship with a toxic person but there aren't half as many articles that are about the other side of the story: the toxic person's side. 

The reason for a lack of these types of articles is because many people don't want to admit to their wrongdoings, they refuse to acknowledge their issues, or they're not aware that they're toxic - perhaps they grew up in an environment where they learned toxic behavior and believe it to be a normal way of life. So, sometimes it can take years to break the cycle. 

One of the big reasons people are toxic is usually because of old trauma that hasn't been dealt with, they refuse to take responsibility for any unhealthy behavior and choose to ignore the effect it has on their relationships. 

I used to be like this.

It's taken me years to realize I was a toxic person and still to this day I'm trying to fix myself, t's going to take even more time than I thought because I'm unlearning and learning many, many things.

The reason it has taken me so long is that I use to believe when I met the right man things would fall into place. I thought that my lack of trust and insecurities would fade out and I'd finally be 'normal' when I met the perfect person for me but that isn't how it works. 

How can you expect anyone to be able to help you if you don't see a problem with the way you act? Or if you don't realize you have to heal yourself first before anyone else can help you. It's you that needs to make the choice if you want to change.

When I saw the truth about how I was acting I was left with a bad taste in my mouth. I felt guilty and disgusted with the way I'd acted for most of my life, but especially how I'd acted in my previous relationship. I had to forgive myself if I wanted to move forward and not be haunted by the awful memories of the toxic things I had done to my ex.

The accusations I would throw at him, the manipulative behavior, the aggression, and I'd always pick fights over something stupid. It was all because I had such low self-esteem and didn't believe I deserved someone to treat me well, so I would look for ways to prove I was right. 

I'd constantly push him away because I believed I had no place in his life, we were too different and I was an outsider that couldn't ever be good enough to fit into his perfect life. But just because you believe something doesn't mean it's true.

At the time I thought it was his fault for making me feel this way, I also wanted to blame my family for screwing me up and making me unlovable.

Do you see how toxic that is? At the time I couldn't see it. I thought I was right to blame everyone else but that isn't fair and it isn't the mature way to react. 

No person is perfect and we all make mistakes but how many mistakes does it take until someone realizes they're doing something wrong. 

I made one too many mistakes and I am tired of never getting it right, so I'm aiming to perfect the way I handle situations before I screw up once again.

Thanks for reading, have a great day.

breakups
2

About the Creator

Elise

I love all things tarot, art, and writing!

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