I Want to Apologize to Myself
Working on myself, for myself, by myself
Sometimes we need to take a moment reflecting on what we allowed ourselves to go through and apologize for it. Like actually mean it to yourself and change. I'm not saying that I'm going to be perfect from now on and not have slip-ups every once in a blue moon because I'm only human; humans make mistakes. I do, however, need to be kinder to myself and not expect myself to be so perfect. I'm saying that I'm going to try harder and do better treating myself the way I deserve. I spent so long not being so kind to myself and I’m done from here on out abusing myself in this way. I held myself back from doing things I wanted to do because I instilled fear into my bones telling myself "Why even bother trying if you're just going to fail anyway and make a fool out of yourself?" I robbed myself of happiness filling my brain with only negative thoughts; blocking out all the good. I spent so much time inspecting every situation as if it was a science experiment and examining it from every possible angle; even imaginary ones that didn't actually exist.
I am not sure why it’s so normal that we become very accustomed to this self abuse in our lives. It’s like the norm to be mean to ourselves and then nice to others. This is how we exist, but we don’t have to. You know what my problem was? I was afraid to be myself. That’s all. But most of us are simply so scared to admit that. I spent so much time at an early age trying to be everything everyone else wanted me to be so I felt as if I was making them happy. Isn’t it crazy we do this as humans? We hurt who we really are to please the world around us and the people in it. We allow everyone to come into our life shaping who we are to make them happy, even then it doesn’t even work out the way we think it should. We put so much effort into other, neglecting ourself of what we deserve daily.
So yes, I want to apologize to myself for putting up with someone who used me. I want to apologize to myself for telling me to hold on another day, month, and year. I want to apologize to myself for not realizing I was worth more. I want to apologize to myself for all the tears and hurt I went through. I want to apologize to myself for not saying enough was enough a long time ago. I want to apologize to myself for thinking I needed to prove my worth so I could be loved. I want to apologize to myself for all the nights and days when all I could do was lay in bed lifeless because I gave him all the life I had in me. I want to apologize to myself for losing my peace so I could be his peace. I want to apologize to myself for never thinking I was good enough. I want to apologize to myself for all the showers I couldn’t enjoy because it was the only time I could cry without people noticing. I want to apologize to myself for hating myself and all the bad things I allowed to fill my mind about me. I want to apologize to myself for all the times I allowed myself to fall. I want to apologize to myself for thinking I wasn’t skinny enough. I want to apologize to myself for not thinking I was pretty enough. I want to apologize to myself for picking every flaw I had apart, hating myself more for it. I want to apologize to myself for allow the world to change me and the people in it.
But most importantly I want to apologize to myself for thinking if I was myself, it would never be good enough to someone else. I’m sorry for letting you down and blocking you from shinning as bright as you could. I owe you so many more apology’s, but for now I only want fix the damage I allowed myself to cause. I promise to love myself and embrace who I am from here on out, never letting the world dim the light I have inside that is ready to shine.