I Thought I Found The One
The story of my short-lived romance during the pandemic.
Now, I know what you're thinking....who falls in love in the middle of a pandemic? A. I wasn't in love and B. It was at the beginning of it LOL. Anyways, let's get in to this.
It was at the beginning of March before everything went to shit. I had started a new job, which I loved, and had just gotten accepted into University for the Fall. 2020 had started out rocky, but things seemed to be getting better, which is exactly what I needed after the past year I had. Everything was going great, except for my love life but that's the usual. I had just moved on from another meaningless fling the month prior, and decided that I wanted to try dating again, seriously. See the thing is, I had never been in a relationship before...that may still be a fact actually. Any attempt in the past had failed because of my own naivete and self-sabotaging habits, which were a result of my trust issues and fear of intimacy, and eventually that just led to me having my guard up altogether.
This time though, I was going to try this new app my coworker was telling me about called Hinge. Goodbye Tinder and Bumble! I thought this would be the game changer. So, I downloaded the app, made my profile and waited for the likes to pour in. Within 2 weeks into March the government announced that we would be going into a lock down, my job let me know that I would be laid off until further notice. Malls, stores, and cafes started to shut down so now I was stuck at home with absolutely nothing to do. So instead of waiting for likes to sift through, I started swiping myself and soon enough I was talking to about 6 guys at once. I thought to myself let me not put all my eggs in one basket like I usually do. I hate talking to multiple people at once, it pains me. I can't give everyone the same energy, and I like to build a connection with one person. I'm not built for the casual hook up culture, even though I found myself accidentally participating in it.
Soon enough one of the guys I was really interested in and liked a few days ago, matched with me. We got to talking and it felt like we just clicked right away. We were sending each other paragraphs everyday, when I asked him what his intentions were, he told me he's looking for a girlfriend, something serious and long term. He even told me he tends to take things too fast, but he really wanted to build this bond and get to know me. That was exactly what I wanted to hear, but I still had my reservations. A lot of guys in the past just told me what I wanted to hear to get into my pants, but something just felt different about him, or so I thought. He called me almost everyday and it always felt natural between us, no awkwardness. He was saying all the right things, complimenting me excessively, and his energy felt SO different to all the other guys I had talked to before.
Eventually I told myself to just relax and see where this goes. I was going to allow myself to be vulnerable with him because he was expressing his interest in me like no other guy ever has, and honestly it felt nice. I could see myself with him long term. Also at this point, I won't lie I had just become kind of numb to everything happening around me. I couldn't believe that we were in the middle of a pandemic. Corona was in the news everyday, and of course at this time (end of March) social distancing rules have already been put into place so we know it would be risky to see each other. I was thinking, this may be the end of the world, maybe it's time to fall in love.
As you can most likely guess, we broke the rules and sneaked out to see each other. It felt like a movie romance, we broke into a closed park, smoked some weed and made out on the bleachers and other things...It seemed like I was just trying to live on the wild side a bit. I was fully expecting him to ghost me after our "date" but we went to get some food, and he actually asked me to be his girlfriend...after our first time hanging out. Any sane person would say no, but I said yes, and just like that I went from never being in a relationship, to having a boyfriend. It didn't feel real, and I was expecting things to go left quick...and of course they did, but not yet. It was honestly one of the best days in my life, even if it's bittersweet looking back at now. We couldn't stop kissing, and just holding each other in our arms. I have never been in love, but it felt like it was heading there.
He wrote me poems, and we were still texting and talking everyday. He wished me a good morning and goodnight. Told me he "sees years with me," and that "we were meant to be." It felt like we were soulmates, he said he couldn't wait to introduce me to his family, and that he's claiming it now i'm going to be his girl forever. Yes...he said all that and I believed it. He said he wasn't like those other guys who just wanted to get into my pants, and I had told him about my past experiences with dating too!
Now mind you, he wasn't the most perfect guy. Well no one is perfect but he had some things I didn't particularly like, and I was going to compromise on because he seemed like he genuinely wanted to take care of me, and eventually love me. He didn't go to college, was working at a retail store (no shade to retail workers at all, I once worked retail), lived with his dad (he had daddy issues, and came from a broken family), and didn't drive, and was very needy. Most of those things are okay if you have goals or ambitions, but after a while it became apparent that he didn't. Also he mentioned his ex a little too much sometimes. We saw each other once again, and after that he became inconsistent and started replying late when I was being real with him. After a night of intentionally not speaking to him, I had messaged him and told him he talks about his ex too much and asked if he still had feelings for her. He replies the next day saying no, and that me going "ghost" on him the night before made him fall into an almost inconsolable depression, and made him realize he's not ready for a relationship. He told me I deserve someone better, he was right...I did. He still wanted to be friends, but I ended up blocking him.
Nonetheless, I was still upset because our "relationship" lasted all 12 days. I of course sent one of my infamous paragraphs saying some really terrible things, which I apologized for a month later when I unblocked him, and he did too. He said sorry, and promised that he wasn't trying to play me. He really wanted something serious with me but needs to work on himself, and told me he hasn't talked to anyone since me "if it made me feel better." Honestly, I didn't care. It just crashed and burned really quick, and I was relieved it was over. My heart was never fully in it, not yet so I didn't even shed any tears, because I felt like I didn't really lose anything. I brushed it off and moved on quickly, and deleted all my dating apps. He may not realize it, but he did absolutely use me for boredom, and as an emotional crutch, but he also made me self reflect.
I thought dating during a quarantine would be perfect, but guess I was wrong. Lesson of the story, you can still get played during a quarantine LOL. Actually all this was big lesson for me though. It made me realize that I hadn't fully healed from some situations from my past, and I really need to work on myself. I had spent the last year so distracted and had forgotten about my writing, and all the hobbies i'm passionate about. I let men distract me for far too long, and now I needed to take my power back. I was absolutely not ready for a relationship, and now in May i'm still off all dating apps and focusing on my purpose and bettering myself. As much as I have been tempted to return, being single is the right choice for me right now. I love peace, and I have dreams to make happen. This whole quarantine has been the biggest eye opener for me. I needed it majorly for clarity and personal growth, and now i'm letting love find me.