I Take Up Space

Have you ever felt too big for a space?

In elementary school, I was chasing a butterfly in the park and a wooden bridge broke under me. I fell into a pond.

In elementary school, I wasn't allowed to wear my older sister's First Communion dress because it was too small for me.

In middle school, my Mom gave me a celery stick and my brother a protein shake because I "needed to lose weight and he needed to gain weight".

In high school, I started to wear sports bras every day (sometimes two) because it squeezed everything in. I used to wear waist trainers under my high school uniform to show that I was "naturally" skinny. I sometimes ate in the bathroom because I didn't want anyone to see that I was eating.

In high school, I stepped on a scale once a day and kept charts about my weight, craving for that downward slope. I kept a journal strictly for what I have eaten daily. I have taken a measuring tape and measured the circumference of my calves, thighs, hips, waist, chest, shoulders, neck, arms, and wrists. I have a kept a journal with those numbers and did everything to make those numbers go down.

In college, I didn't feel that dieting was doing anything to my body, so for two weeks straight, I only ate junk food to see how my body would react. It left me feeling fatiqued, bloated, and greasy.

In college, I was made fun of for being the biggest in my dance class. I have cried before, during, and after that class because it was all skinny ballet dancers and I would never look like them. I was called out by an acting professor for looking sick. I was told by that same professor that I either needed to lose 20 pounds to look like a secondary character -or to study comedy to fit the "fat funny friend" category.

I have been told not to eat something because "a touch on the lips would go straight to my hips".

I have been told to "not eat too much protein because it will make you gain weight".

I have been told "not to eat that", and "aren't you supposed to be healthy" and "that's not good for you".

I have been told, "Aren't you trying to lose weight?" and "Why are you eating that if you are a personal trainer?"

I have shamed people for eating. I have done expirements, on myself, to find out what kind of food my body gains and loses weight with.

I have cowered in corners. I have not gone out with friends because I felt too big. I have tried to get the "no -effort thigh gap" with more effort that I should have. I have crossed my arms and crossed my legs; I am very familiar with closed body language to give the illusion that I am smaller. I have shrunk, made myself smaller, covered my stomach, worn baggy clothes to cover what it needed, worn tight clothes to accentuate what it didn't need to. I have pricked, prodded, cut, squeezed, tightened my body to look a certain way.

Unbeknownst to me, none of these things did not give me any lasting joy.

.

I have grown.

I have accepted myself.

My mouth lifts up farther on one side when I smile. My nose is curvy when looked at from the profile. I have wrinkles around my eyes from laughing. I have sun spots on my shoulders from spending too much time outside. I have freckles on my nose from sun damage. My eyes squint and I snort when I laugh. I have scars on my knees and discoloration on my shins from playing outside when I was younger. I have scars on my fingers and toes from riding bikes and climbing trees and jumping into lakes. I like to sing in the car, and swim until I get pruney, run until I'm out of breath, hike until the sun goes down, and dance without any rhythm.

I am 28 years old now. I eat food for fuel. I eat burgers with my friends. I eat peanut butter cups on Halloween. I go into the grocery store and buy food because I like the taste and not because it has less calories. I eat carbs so that I can go to the gym and have a healthy workout. I eat food to grow and to heal and to sleep and to breathe. I encourage others to eat food, not because it is "bad" or "good", but to eat food. There should never be a toxic relationship with something that is needed to live.

I am grateful for the things that my body can do and how it feels instead of how it looks. I've changed the way I talk to myself and others.

My body has healed itself, it has grown, it has put itself back into place; my body has been resilient and bounced back.

I take up space.