I Still Felt Like A Victim Even After I Left My Abusive Husband
The Stigma Of Divorce Sucks
In early 2016 I packed up what I could fit in my car and drove off while my husband was at work. Not once have I regretted my decision. It was a decision that came after three and a half years of a terrible marriage and eight and a half years of slow psychological torture. My mom was an emotional abuser and for some reason that wasn’t enough abuse in my life, I married someone that did the same thing to me, and I stayed too long.
I didn’t leave in an ideal way, but I left in the way I felt safe. My ex-husband never laid a hand on me, aside from pushing me once during a drunken heated fight early on, but he often said he was close to wanting to. He had also been accused of physical abuse by previous women he was in relationships with. I feared that if I told him I wanted to leave he would harm me. That is my story. But, once I left it didn’t seem like my story really mattered to some people. It seemed like I was being accused of being the bad guy since I left and didn't stay "work" things out.
Why Didn’t I Stay And Work Things Out?
I married him, but I never swore “Til Death Do Us Part.” Thanks, but your argument is invalid. Not all relationships are meant to work out and not all of the issues in a relationship can be worked out. I did everything in my power to make my marriage work and it didn’t.
Instead of things getting better, I got diagnosed with high blood pressure which was caused by the continual stress in my life. After over three years of supporting someone that always resented me for my ability to make a living from the comfort of my own home, I was suddenly using him as an ATM (in his words) when I’d ask him to help buy groceries (after I paid all of the bills out of my own pay). I "forced" him to get a job instead of continually freeloading off me. I was the bad guy for expecting him to be an adult. And he took his hatred of having to work out on me mentally.
What was there to work out? Three months after I left my high blood pressure was gone. Leaving may have saved my life.
Why Didn’t You Go To Therapy?
Because he wouldn’t have gone. He would have started screaming in my face (something that was common whenever I tried to talk to him about my feelings about the way he treated me) had I even suggested we go to marriage counseling. My doctor suggested that I go on my own if he wouldn’t go, but I’ve been there and done that and knew that the best action to take for myself was to simply walk away.
There is nothing in the divorce proceedings that says that you have to try to reconcile things. Sometimes there is nothing left to reconcile and there’s no reason to keep beating a dead horse.
The Wrap Up
It’s OK to get divorced. People that have gotten divorced did not give up on their marriage, they moved on because their marriage gave up on them. Divorce does not define a person and many people move on and find loving and lasting marriages again once that bad one is gone.
If you have friends that are divorced please do your best to make them feel comfortable about the decisions they made and all they just went through. If they seem like they’re happy they may still be dying inside, so be gentle. Not everyone shares all of their feelings with people, and not everyone shares all of their life experiences with others. Don’t pry, but do what you can to be there for your divorced or divorcing friends and just be aware of what you say to them and how you say it.
If we just did more to care for the people around us and quit judging them this world would be such a better place!