I Still Feel like I'm 17.

I still feel like I’m younger than I actually am. Anyone else feel the same way? I can’t speak for anyone else, but for some reason even after graduating high school and then going straight to college, some things still feel the same way. Honestly, this doesn’t, and hasn’t been a good thing for a long time. The reason it’s specifically 17 and not older or younger, is that’s the age when I became acutely aware of my surroundings. How to perceive people; gauge their emotions and whether or not they were having a bad day or not. Putting others ahead of myself. Whether that’s really simple and mundane things like making sure they have a fresh dry towel for a shower, or making sure their drink is topped up. It’s that level of perception that really gauges how I interact and engage with individuals these days. And it’s been that way for years now. This is used particularly for the bad situations, more so than the good ones. I guess I would even go so far as to call it some kind of defense mechanism. And no matter how far ahead of the curve I am, or how many steps ahead I am of a situation before it even becomes one, sooner or later, I mess it up and the end result is always the same; me, burying me head in the sand, wondering how I didn’t foresee that one tiny minute detail, which lead to the whole situation falling out of control. And all that does is perpetuate this cycle of always trying to be ahead of the problem. Which, in reality, you can’t do. It’s impossible. And I know that. So, why can’t I stop?

I would say that anxiety and being on edge a lot of the time would play a large role in that. 17 is the age when I had my first panic attack at school. I didn’t know what was happening to me, or why. I just remember being in class, getting up to grab something, and my entire body got hot. I thought maybe it was an itch or something, so I scratched it but it didn’t go away. And it only got worse. My breathing got out of control, and I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom. I just remember feeling like I was on fire, so I ran my hands under cold water for maybe a good ten minutes. Finally, the feeling subsided, and I was able to regain my composure. But that experience really got to me for a while because of the unknown factor. I did some research but didn’t get any huge revelations. Unfortunately, that wouldn’t be the only attack my stupid brain syndrome would (anxiety as I once heard someone call it) encroach on me. The second one I experienced was in college and the end result was worse. Me huddled against a bathroom toilet vomiting the little bit I had for lunch hours before. That experience fucked me up even more. Because at that point, I was older, knew what was going on, thought I had a better grasp of my anxiety, and it still happened, which set me back really far.

So, I ended up going backwards. Where did this stem from; trying to see if I could figure out if it was a singular event that cause this, or perhaps if this was here from the start. Sadly, it’s the latter. So, with some past trauma being the cause of me being so on guard and at the ready all the time, I doubt these feeling will subside anytime soon. The magic number being 17, and having that coincide with become too aware of what is going on around me makes this all the more annoying. I’d never want these feelings to happen to anyone else; it sounds stupid, but always being always aware of everyone around and trying to walk through a potential mind field because someone is having a shitty day, makes life precarious. The potential instant blowback with one wrong step makes me tread life with a grossly high level of caution. This idea applies more to those immediately around you, and not so much the general populous of the world. At least I can be thankful it isn’t that bad. And it’s all thanks to that damn number. 17. I don’t know what switch was clicked on or off in my head, but I’d give the world to have it flipped back the other direction. Please.