I Miss You, Please Stay Away

When we reminiscence, a lot of us hold on to the positive parts of memories. After all, that is the essence of reminiscence: an enjoyable trip down memory lane. If I allow my thoughts of an ex-partner to flow back in an upstream vision of bright light, perhaps I won't have to deal with the real-world fallout. I can convince myself that my ex-partner didn't treat me that way, so I can envision and (deep down manifest) about an impossible future with them and avoid the task of moving on.

The danger of reminiscing is that sometimes, it can be an illusion. Maybe that is why when we look back with honest eyes to the past, we call it reflection. When we reflect, the process can fill us with shame, humiliation, and guilt. Reflecting on the ex-partner through the lens of honesty is overwhelming, a slap in the face of the time spent reminiscing. How could they treat me like that? Why was I complicit?

While baking a brownie to soothe period cravings, I edited work for a client and came across a line,

'Difference does not collapse even when we wish it away.'

I'm not sure where they got it from, but it's interrupted the bright light flow of my reminiscing. To me, the line means that the differences between people will always be barriers unless the people come to an agreement otherwise.

In relationships, people have to compromise unless they agree on every aspect of a situation. I can't name a single relationship that doesn't require compromise. Parental, platonic, romantic or otherwise. We are too different, too unique, driven by different desires and motivations for it to be a matter of what one person wants.

One adamant scene to reminiscing kept popping up. One where my ex-partner and I shared laughter. Perhaps the persistence of the scene wouldn't be so bad if the scene was not so adamant to the point I could smell the restaurant we were in and feel the glow of laughter in the depths of my tummy. Hear their handsome timbre and the shake of wide shoulders that I would hold to anchor me.

I struggle to push it back and hold on to my resolve. We are not together, and we are not going to be. Because in my reflection, I have worked too hard to manage the shame and humiliation I felt of what I had accepted. The friends with benefits treatment with whispered words of love in the shadows.

What were the differences between us? Well, I have driven myself mad enough to bestow a quick answer. Culture, maturity and fear. Culture, mixed with Western society and the demands of the 21st century, have burdened and freed concepts of partnership. That means there is a grey area. Often, it is easier to walk away from love than navigate the grey. Maturity wise, we met on most levels bar emotional commitment, tinged with the lack of confidence from both of us. My heart aches that both of us were scared of what came emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically from the night we first met, which we grinned about being designed by fate.

Moving on from someone is a delicate dance. Balancing on tiptoes of reminiscing and reflection. At some point, the toes can no longer hold the weight, and down we fall to the earth. The difference is if we rock back on our ankles or if our body collapses. Sometimes I wish I had never met my ex-partner, and other times, I can't accept never having met them.

I miss you, mourns reminiscing. Please stay away, shouts reflection.