I'm Stuck

A few years into my first marriage, I realized the gravity of the mistake I made. I do not recommend marrying anyone that you do not have chemistry with or love. Duh. It is a terrible, gut-wrenching existence. I tried over and over to make it work. Everything looked pretty good on paper, but I had an empty sick feeling in my stomach all the time. I kept asking myself, is this the way you will spend the rest of your life? It’s one thing to accommodate, make sacrifices for, listen to, and change yourself for someone you love but it’s completely different when it’s for someone you don’t love.

This marriage consisted of me doing everything HIS way. We got involved with the church over the years but even with God’s help I could not find love for this man. He just wanted me on a shelf, behaving like he wanted me to, looking like he wanted me to. He did not want me to work or have any friends outside his approval, which were only the wives of his friends or family. He put down every friend I ever tried to have and made it impossible to keep them.

He wanted everything to be about him, his family and his friends and our home. He didn’t want me to work either and made it so difficult for me when I did. I had given up my little housecleaning business and got into front office medical work. If he needed something or my work schedule got in the way of his plans, he would tell me to call in sick or quit. I finally gave up and just didn’t try to work anymore.

Egor’s dream was to live by the beach, so we moved across the street from the beach. I am not really a beach person. I don’t like the heat and I have very light skin and don’t tan, at all. But that’s what he wanted so that’s what we did. I spent so many hours at the beach with him while his nice dark complexion skin tanned and I just burned. He could never get tan enough. We spent a lot of hours by the pool too, as that was another love of his.

Not only did I not have any dreams, or know what they were, there wasn’t even a question about them. This marriage was all about him. There was no room for me. I used to tell Egor, there’s just not enough room in this town for both of us. He didn’t get it.

We were still fighting all the time, still a bad sex life, and I was still being controlled. God I wanted out of the marriage so many times but I had nowhere to go. I didn’t feel I had any rights. Every minute of my time was accounted for. Where are you going? When will you be back? I had no freedom at all. Egor didn’t like my family to begin with, because I was on the outs with, or had been ostracized from them when he and I met. He knew the deep pain I was in because of that so I guess he carried that over into those relationships. The two sisters hurt me deeply by ostracizing me and calling me crazy but I have to admit, Egor was there for me. Looking back, he probably used that as an excuse to keep me on lockdown.

There were times that those sisters “let me” be a part of the family and there were times they kicked me back out. They seemed to run the show when it came to my dad. They seemed to want him all to their selves and God bless my dad but he let them. I can see from an outsider’s perspective, how dysfunctional that was but they were my only family and I wasn’t strong enough or aware enough to stand up to them. I also just wanted to be close to my dad and unfortunately, they always came with the package.

As usual, at this time, mom was in and out of my life. I always tried to have a relationship with her, as an adult, and work around her alcoholism. Sometimes I could go see her at her sad little trailer and sometimes I couldn’t. She has since passed from alcoholism. When I look back at the times I was able to spend with her, I am so grateful. You love your mom no matter what.

It seemed like the days and months just droned by. My life was filled with everything Egor. I felt like my life was closing in on me. Yes we went on vacations, yes we did fun things, yes there were good times but there were so many bad. The fighting continued. His outbursts usually consisted of throwing things and tearing things up. Then once it was over, he would methodically clean everything up. I could not breathe in this marriage. I literally could not stand him by this time. His obsession and control over me continued to grow and I guess you could say I continued to shrink.

I gave up me, I gave up my rights, my desires. I had no hopes or no dreams. I was consumed by Egor and his life. He molded me into what he wanted. I was losing me.

I wanted out of this marriage so bad, but when I would mention it to Egor, he would start using what I already felt and knew about myself and my situation, I had nowhere to go, no one would want me, and I would be in the streets if it wasn’t for him. And some of that was true. I had no education, no career and had no idea how to take care of myself. This is why I say I was predisposed to this type of relationship. So, the thought of being out on the streets and leaving my home, which by now we had bought a very nice new townhome, was just too much to take. The streets didn’t look so good so I would back down from our fight and from the threat I had made of leaving, and fit myself back into his pocket.

Thoughts:

If a person doesn’t feel safe and cared for, in their home growing up, there is no room for them to dream.