I Know What To Say To Hurt His Feelings When He's Hurt Mine

Relationships aren't easy

They are a lot of work. They have a start and a finish but they're dynamic and unpredictable. They change over time.

Marriage can appear overwhelming. I mean vows are made between two people that say they are going to commit to each other 'till death' do them part.

That's like forever, permanent, isn't it? It's no wonder why some folks are scared to do it. But then there are a ton of people who take the plunge anyway.

I often like to compare marriage to a household plant. It has a health status and it needs moisture, light, and conversation to thrive. It's a simple being that needs constant attention. Sometimes, I neglect it. Sometimes, I overwater it. Sometimes, it's perfectly healthy and sometimes, it dies.

My husband and I try to work on our marriage every day (even when we don't realize it). We, like many other couples, have our ups and downs and all-around.

Honesty and trust have a symbiotic relationship

These two things go hand in hand. It's a simple concept that I learned as a kid when my parents taught me to tell the truth. When I was honest, they trusted me more and in return, gave me more freedom; however, when I was dishonest, they trusted me less and in return, remove my privileges. I'd have to demonstrate that I was trustworthy to regain my privileges.

As a relationship grows, more information is shared between the couple. From whether to have kids, money issues, life goals and aspirations, it's crucial for both people to be honest about their hopes, dreams, and fears. Being transparent with your partner about these things is the first step to building a strong relationship.

The next step is harder

The hardest part about being honest is when I have to be honest about my feelings, trusting that my partner won't judge me.

For instance, he'll ask me,

"What's wrong?"

I'll lie,

"Nothing"

Tension builds up over time. I'll end up blowing up, pointing out his flaws.

"You're selfish and lazy for leaving dishes in the sink. You can't even do one little thing. I've told you a million times to put them in the dishwasher. You never listen to me. It's like you don't even care about me."

You know, because it's his fault that he doesn't listen and I'm always the one criticizing his every move. These statements tell him what I think of him when he pinches my trigger points. Yes, I'm being honest in the heat of the moment; however, these statements don't help him understand me.

A blaming tone and name-calling actually erode the trust between us. I've been at a point in a previous relationship where I called him so many names, that the trust completely broke.

If I heard such words from my partner, how could I trust them not to judge me the next time I do something I know will upset them?

How can I be completely honest and vulnerable with this person who called me those names?

Shifting the focus towards how I honestly feel

It's definitely a work in progress but when I get upset, I try my best to say words that focus on my feelings. I have to assume that my husband didn't do whatever he did to intentionally upset me, giving him the benefit of the doubt. I mean I didn't marry a sociopath.

I try to shift the focus away from how he should feel when he does something wrong and toward why I am feeling the way I am.

It's hard for me to find the words to describe my feelings because I'm not naturally good at it. Growing up, "So how do you feel about that?" was never a question that got asked during family conversations.

I've had to learn how to figure out why I am feeling the way I am; then I had to learn how to communicate that honestly with my partner. Then, there are still times when I'm so upset that I don't say anything because I'm still processing what happened.

To circumvent that from happening, I've learned to take my time to process information and then broach the topic as calmly as I can.

I bring it up as soon as I feel ready to talk openly about my feelings. I make a statement about what he did that upset me, no blaming words, no name-calling, just the facts. Then I explain how it made me feel and then why.

So instead, I say:

"When you leave dishes in the sink, I feel like a pushover and that I'm not part of a team to maintain the household.

I feel like I'm alone in taking care of us and being alone makes me feel scared. I want to work together so we can lean on each other for support."

The important thing is to feel like I can trust him to not judge me for feeling a certain way. And sometimes, the most important part is to actually bring it up, especially when we're both exhausted at the end of the day.

So Readers, how honest are you with yourself when talking about feelings? How hard/easy is it for you to pinpoint the exact feeling you're feeling and know why you're feeling that way?

This was originally published on Medium on January 24, 2021.