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I Just Want You to Love Me for Me.

Know me. Not your version. The real me. No matter what.

By M FPublished 4 years ago 30 min read
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There is so much that has happened since I left for college that I feel it’s time for you to know about, know who I am. I’ve had so many beautiful and painful experiences in the last few years that have helped shape me into becoming the person who I am today, that I have grown into. The person who I have learned to love and embrace. Who has been through more than you know. Knocked down but always finding a way to thrive. Always finding a way to navigate through any darkness I am faced with. Internally fighting so much between my past and present. Between what is really a part of who I want to be and what I thought was because of my exposure. I have spent a tremendous amount of time getting to know myself all the parts that make me who I am, good and bad and have learned how to learn those parts. The parts that were confused. The parts that have needed direction. The parts that were in pain. The parts that had questions that were never answered. The parts that were silenced that just wanted to be heard. The parts of me that for so long I never acknowledge or even knew were inside of me that have slowly emerged that I’ve come to know.

In the process of learning to love myself and discover who I truly wanted to be I have learned that it’s okay to not just stay on the same path throughout life and it’s okay to be different. That it’s good to ask questions, to challenge things, and to think for myself. Because no one else should ever do that for you. You shouldn’t live your life based off of the things that other people want for you even if it’s with their best intentions at heart. You shouldn’t live allowing your happiness to be at the mercy of others opinions, desires, or wishes for you or their own lives. You have to live your life for you allowing yourself to be an individual and find your own way. And that no one else can do that for you. No one really causes you to change or question things without your permission. The decisions, consequences, and choices have all been mine. I accept them all. Sometimes that isn’t easy or pretty, but it will teach you far more about yourself than following or accepting what you’re told ever will. I’ve developed into someone that I am so proud to be and have wanted to share with you for far longer than you know. It’s not like I ever wanted to hide these parts of myself.

You’d probably like to think that you know who I am. That you know your daughter. But, I just can’t believe that over these past few years that you haven’t felt a divide. That you haven’t felt a disconnect. That you don’t know a huge part of my life and you know that. That you don’t know the real me. And I wish more than anything that you would want to know the person that I have become cause she is a remarkable girl even if she isn’t what you had imagined. She is more than you or I could have ever imagined and I wouldn’t change any part of her for anything. I can only hope that everything that I’m about to tell you is stuff that you can learn to love about me too. That you can learn to love me beyond your idea of who you think I should be or who you want me to be.

First, I wanted to let you know that I appreciate everything that you and Dad have done for me. From the moment that you guys took me home to the moment that you are reading this now. I am so lucky to have been blessed with parents such as you both and to have been given the life that you provided me with. I have always been so grateful for that and have only ever wanted to make you both proud. My relationship with you has always been a different kind of bond than the one that I’ve shared with Dad but one that I’ve truly valued and treasured especially as the years have passed and I’ve grown up and grown into my own person. These past few years away from you, we have ironically grown so much closer. You’ve done so much for me all of which I have seen and appreciated more than I could ever express. You’ve been there for me as best you could, as much as I allowed you to be. Giving me the space that I needed, the space that I wanted. You've trusted that when I wanted to and was ready I would talk to you. And now I’m ready to talk. I’ve developed a new love and appreciation for you. I have told myself that I’d be alright if I lost you, but I think that losing you would have a lot bigger of an impact on me than I want to admit to myself, and that's why I stop myself every time. Telling you all of this has been on my mind for longer than you know. Deep down, I’m terrified to lose you because I do value the relationship that we have and all that you’ve done for me. I have no idea where I'd be without you. I know that I don't talk to you as often as I should, but that doesn't mean that I love you any less. That doesn't mean that I don't want you in my life. I just no longer want you to only love me for the person that you think I am. If you are going to love me, I want it to be real and to feel like you love me for who I actually am.

This is why I wanted to share all of this with you first. Me and you have always have had a bond that I cherished and was able to confine in with you. I love you tremendously and sharing this with you is because I want a real relationship with you not because I want to hurt you. A want a relationship that is built on honesty, respect for all of us being who we are, and transparency. Not on judgement, indebtedness, or pressure. No longer afraid to be myself as you both are not afraid to be who you are.

I have filed my taxes as a single. This was not a decision that I took lightly, but one that is the right decision for me. The year that you filed for me before I was a true dependent, but this is not the case anymore. I was not a dependent last year as I paid for more than the majority of my living expenses. I appreciate what you and Dad have done to help me out financially but the support afforded to me last year did not make me a dependent. I earned the money that will be returned in my refund. I am responsible for my student loans and car as well as all of my other living expenses. I understand that. I do not want any other financial support from you. I am very grateful for all that you have offered and given me but I want to be responsible for everything in my life now. I do not expect nor do I want anymore help as I have mentioned to Dad. Learning to do my taxes this year has been a very beneficial experience for me in learning to rely on myself and figure things out by being responsible for my own finances. I appreciate the guidance that you have offered to me but these are things that I need to learn to do on my own and sort out myself as an adult.

I have grown tremendously over the past few years as I have experienced life on my own and discovered who I am and who I want to be apart from all that I had known before and who I thought I was supposed to be. I have experienced many highs and many lows and learned along that way that I will survive no matter what and that even at my darkest moments when I am left with only myself that I can save myself. I’ve learned many lessons that I needed to learn both good and bad, easy way and hard ways but all very valuable. I don’t regret any of it. It has all helped me become the person who I am today and so incredibly proud of how far I’ve come and the person who I’ve grown into and become today. A person who I’ve learned so much about and discovered so much about. A person who has been through alot but has not allowed any of it to defeat me or change me negatively. I’ve learned much about what I truly want, what’s truly important to me, what I want in life and who I truly want to be. I still have a long way to go and so much to learn but I feel more confident in who I am now than I ever had. You may feel as though I have lost my direction but I feel as though I have found it and that is what’s most important at the end of the day. I have to live with myself and my life. I have fought with so much internally to get to the place where I am at and I no longer will allow anyone else or anything else to control my inner happiness and peace.

The truth is. You don’t know me and you haven’t for a very long time. And that breaks my heart. Because I wish and have wished for as long as I can remember with my whole heart that you could know the incredible person that I am, that you would want to know me and not just the idea of me that fits into yours. The person I’m proud to be. The things I love. The things that make me smile. The things I want. The things I’m passionate about. The things I’m proud of. The things I’ve been through. The things that have hurt me. The things that make me, me. That I’ve spent a lot of time figuring out, learning, sorting, coming to terms with, accepting, and becoming proud of. The confident, strong, independent woman that I’ve become. Growing up faster than you even realized as time has been passing by. Thinking all the time how much I wish you knew the person I am today and wish you could be as proud of me as I am.

It’s not that I haven’t wanted to tell you. It’s that I felt like I couldn’t. When all I wanted was to, it’s all that I have wanted to do.

I have learned how to have a healthy relationship with my feelings and emotions. I know you don’t know that I’ve always struggled with this but I have, tremendously. The person I was before was like a ticking time bomb. I didn’t know how to express myself nor did I feel free to. I thought showing emotion was weakness and that I always had to be strong. I didn’t know how to love people, care about them. I didn’t know how to appreciate and value others. I only knew how to express negative emotions like anger and annoyance. I didn’t know how to not be a rollercoaster. I didn’t know how to be happy. I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know it was okay. I didn’t know there was another way to live. A way to be happier. A way to not be as I was. It took me a while to sort them out and begin to understand them to see them in a healthy light and not be scared of the bad. To actually welcome my feelings when I wanted to feel them and when I didn’t. To give myself permission to feel, permission to not be okay. To sit in my feelings and feel everything and accept it allowing myself to understand them. Part of this process and maintaining this for me has been writing.

Writing has been a very important part in my life for a good few years now. A vital outlet for me. A positive one. It has helped me understand so much about myself, about my pain, about the things I’ve felt/gone through, about others, and in turn help others. I wrote a book that I published in 2017 that I am so proud of. I’ve been working on my second book that I just haven’t had the time to finish. I’ve written for two blog sites where people from all over the world have read my words and been able to relate. The things I say matter and help and that has helped me in more ways than I could even begin to express. I’ve written for these sites and shared my thoughts, words for years. Hoping that the things that I’ve felt and have experienced can help others. I’ve had people reach out to me from all over the world thanking me for giving words to the things they couldn’t and the things they felt but didn’t know how to explain. A beautiful representation of the kind of internal growth that has occurred within me from a girl that once didn’t know how to feel and give words to understand the things she felt to one that is now able to voluntarily feel and give words to those things. Writing has been such a huge part of my life these past few years. A huge part of my growth, of me being okay learning to love myself, and of me learning to internally have a healthy relationship with myself, be a sailboat and have a more balanced sense of happiness and all of the things I feel.

I’ve met many people since I left for college. I’ve had many friends. All who taught me different things. Some who were temporary. Some who were meant to be more. A small group now that is there by choice not because I need them. I’ve learned so much about life through friends, love, strangers, and work. I’ve been in many long term relationships with both girls and guys opening myself up to experiences and love without judgement learning much about myself in the process. Choosing not to involved you both in these as I prioritize my privacy in this aspect of my life as I pursue these relations. Learning that not all friendships are going to fit into what I define friendship as and not all love is meant to last. Love comes in many different forms and everyone knows how to love differently. Life isn’t simple and neither is love. Love doesn’t judge or hate. It knows no bounds and in its purest form is unconditional overcoming all else. People grow. Life changes. People are different. Friends come and go.

You have to accept people for who they are and not try or expect them to change. Loving them for everything that they are. Choosing real love, full love rather than conditional love. Hoping for the best but not putting any expectations onto others. Most of all, I’ve learned from others how to redefined things that I thought I had known for myself not just by the definitions of the only things I had known before but to truly think for myself. That life doesn’t live by anyone’s rules or definitions of what we think it should be or how people should be. And that living life with views, perspectives, and definitions that are limiting and rigid will lead to disappointment and unhappiness that stems not from others but from ourselves. Deciding what I believe and what I don’t necessarily agree with while respecting all at the same time.

I’ve learned and explored a lot about myself spiritually while I’ve been away. Time to evaluate. Time to learn. Time to think. I still have a lot to sort out and learn, but what I do know is that I believe in a higher power beyond all that we know. I understand religion and respect it, but it is not for me. Even with my belief, I think that religion is more of a man-made and a social thing whereas relationship isn’t. I understand the pros and cons of both. This is what I feel is right for me but I do not think that I am right or wrong. I would never expect you to change or understand this just as I would hope that you would not try to push religion onto me and respect my decisions. I have spent a lot of time evaluating many aspects of this as religion has been such a huge part of my life and upbringing.

Just as I understand the importance of voting and being aware of what is happening in the world and the people making decisions but do not feel the need to become consumed or involved in politics that it affects what I think about others depending on their views and who they vote for. My happiness is more important to me than something that waivers depending on the thoughts, actions, or views of others that do not affect me unless I allow them to. I have lived my life before where my happiness changed on a dime and changed as I judged others and that is no longer the way that I wish to live my life or allow my happiness to be at the mercy of. We all have been blessed with a life and that life is ours to choose how we want to live and what we want to do in it. For us to think that we can tell others how to live their lives is a double standard as we would never want us to tell us how to live ours and tell us that we are wrong.

As I have matured, I no longer wish to live my life in a way that satisfies the wishes and dreams of others while sacrificing my own. I understand that all of this may be shocking to you and might take you time to adjust. I’m also aware that you may not want anything to do with me when made aware of all of this but at least you’ll know who I am for the first time. I love and respect you both enough to at least tell you and to not just leave you in silence. The person who I’ve grown into and have wanted to share with you. But, just know that if you do want to be a part of my life that it will be with respect to who I am and the choices that I make. You might not agree with them and I don’t expect you to just as I might not always agree with the things you say and do but still love you regardless. Please know that I won’t make decisions for my life, my happiness, and the things I want in life because of anyone else. I won’t have kids just because you might want grandkids. I have a beautiful kitten and she is a great grand cat. I have no desire to have kids and even if I did that is something that is possible regardless of it coming directly from me or from someone else as you both should know as you adopted me.

I love the life that I have now. The people that are in it. The things I get to do. The places I get to explore and eat at. The new experiences I get to have. All the things that make it up. I love that my current work situation has given me the freedom to do that. I understand that it might not be the most stable or typical career path type of work but it works for me. And I apologize if that might have put an inconvenient burden on you for a period of time but you offered and it has been very appreciated. I will figure things out and will find my way in the workforce even if it’s not the most conventional, normal, expected way to make a living. But, it will be because I want to and I would rather struggle a little and be happy than have everything and be unhappy.

I’ve learned that some of the best opportunities and things in life often happen in ways that aren’t normal or expected, ways that are unorthodox but only if we are open to them and not stuck looking in only one direction; with blinders on only looking straight ahead unable to look any other way. I will always want more for myself and some sense of stability and seek to make sure I am okay financially that is just a part of who I am but that doesn’t always mean that I can’t appreciate a grind with flexibility as well. Everything I’ve done and everyone I’ve met has taught me so much all in different aspects of life and I’m grateful for it all. Every job. Every roommate. Every relationships. Every friendship. Every experience.

I don’t think any differently of anyone regardless of what they value. What they do. Who they love. Who they vote for. What they believe in. What they care about. What they look like. How they dress. Or even what they listen to. If they love the life they live, treat people with kindness, are happy and at peace with themselves that is all I care about. At the end of the day, there isn’t much that matters if you are happy with yourself and your life. Far too many people care about other people’s lives when it has nothing to do with them. Life can take so much away from you and people can try to hurt you but that’s only if you let it. Our happiness is in our control until we choose to give it away. Until we decide to put our energy into things that are not really important, try to put our hand into things that are not ours to touch and hate where only love should be given. Life is hard and way too short to give our happiness and energy away to people and things that do not really matter in the grand scheme of things. This doesn’t mean that I am disconnected or do not care. It actually allows me to care more because I have more to give and give more when I do. I’m more connected than I ever was before.

The things I value and care about have changed so much in the past few years for the better. My perspectives and the things I believe in have as well. My mentality has shifted allowing me the capacity to become better to myself, to others, and in life. Allowing myself to grow and be around those and in the spaces that are healthy for me. I’ve become a more wholesome, better version of myself that for the first time is happy with myself and doesn’t allow others to take that without my permission. My happiness isn’t at the mercy of anyone except for myself. I’ve learned how to actually live rather than just exist. How to want more to myself in every way. How to truly love and take care of myself. To live more in the moment than I ever knew how before. To love more than I ever knew was possible. To feel more than I ever knew I was capable of. And no one can take that away from me or change that.

I haven’t lost myself. I haven’t lost my way. I’ve done quite the opposite. I’ve grown in ways that I was never shown a path to. Paths that I found myself. Lessons that I learned myself. Growth that I had to nurture myself. Discovery that I had to find myself. Love that I had to teach myself. Judgement that I had to unlearn and uninternalize amongst other things. To grow past the things that I was raised to believe. I’ve been able to find myself along the way. The truest version of myself that has been buried deep under many layers slowly coming out. The girl open to new experiences, new concerts, festivals, and travels. The girl who is open to new experiences but also knows how to not go too crazy. The girl who has learned how to be a free spirited yet still grounded soul. The girl who got tattoos because she wanted to because she wanted to. The girl that is part of her past but also very much part of her present and ready for her future. The girl who wants to be the best version of herself in all areas of her life and with all those who she allows into her life. The girl who is whole all by herself. The girl who is fearlessly and authentically the person who she wants to be even if others don’t understand.

I don’t regret or resent the way that you raised me. I am very thankful for it. You gave me a happy childhood, structure, and consistency. You have taught me so much. You helped me build a strong foundation to being the caring and compassionate person that I am today with a heart made of gold. You helped teach me what commitment means. What it means to be strong and stand up for what you believe in. To not be afraid to be different. To be creative. To be strong willed. To not take things for grated and be grateful.

This is not meant for you to be sad or to blame yourselves or for you to think that I don’t want you in my life. I just want you to know me for who I am, for the person I really am. Not the person you still think I am or think I should be through your ideas and dreams of me. I don’t want a fake relationship if you are to be in my life anymore, I want a real one. Where I can actually tell you about my life and what is going on. Where I don’t have to feel judged or like I can’t tell you something. Where you feel like you can control me or make me do something because you are holding something over me. Where you don’t support me or encourage me to be my own person and grow up and make my own choices. I want to be seen by the people who should want to see me for everything I am. This is me giving you your first look at the girl you’ve only seen through distorted lenses until now as I show you through an unclouded and clear lens. No hard feelings. No pain or hurt intended. No resentment. No anger. I just can’t pretend anymore. I don’t want to, I won’t. We both deserve more. It's not that I don't love you. It's that I do. It's not that I don't want you in my life. That's why I haven't told you. It's not that I'm questioning myself or my love for you. It's that I question yours.

After all these years, how I've been raised. You can't blame me for questioning if your love is truly unconditional. If you love me more than anything else. You say you love me and miss me all the time but I always question if you still would if you knew the real me. If you really mean what you say. If your words are empty or if they hold more weight than I've ever given them credit for. I know who I am. I know how much love I am capable of and how no matter what happens a part of me will always love you both regardless.

I hope that someday you may be able to understand that. It wasn't easy not being able to tell you, not being able to share my life with you. Not being able to tell you because it's all I ever truly have wanted. For you to love me no matter what.

All the times that I’ve been on the phone with you and I’d think about all the things that happened since the last time we spoke. All the times you asked me if I was dating anyone, if I had a boyfriend. All the times that I’d be so stressed out and unhappy or super happy and I could never explain why to you. All the things that I wanted to tell you. But had to be careful not to say the wrong things. All I wanted to do was tell you. The words always escaping me. I've carried this weight for longer than you've known. And it’s time that I let it go. For me.

This is my life, a life that I love and not the life that you think I live or think that I should live being the person you think I should be or imagined me to be. I love my life and I’m proud of it and in the person who I have become. I wish you could be proud of her too but I know that probably isn’t the reality. I know that you just want the best for me and want me to be okay. I know that you want to protect me. But, I will be okay. I have been okay. I will find my way and figure things out along the way. I don’t need you anymore, I want you and that is entirely different and if you will allow it will lead to a better relationship with me than we were ever capable of having before. Because it will be built on respect, unconditional love, and honesty. It’ll be real.

I never wanted to hurt you. That was never my intention. I just can’t keep doing what we’ve been doing all this time. It’s been taking alot out of me and has been hurting me more internally than it deserves to. I want to live openly and that starts with this. I love you both. But, I need to push you away until you can figure out if you can respect and love me for who I really am and everything that makes me who I am. I don’t want you in my life only for you to see a false version of me and a fake relationship. I want to be completely real with myself and with you. It’s taken me a long time to be ready to tell you all of this and has torn me up in the process not because I think I am wrong or that you are right but because I never wanted to cause you any pain or hurt you in anyway. Because I love you regardless of anything else and didn’t know if I was ready for you to really see me and probably lose me because you feel blindsided and may feel like you don’t even know me anymore, not able to accept me and love me anymore.

I want you in my life but I want you in my life knowing the true me. I don’t want to have to hide anymore. I don’t want to feel controlled or treated like a child anymore. I don’t want you to care about how I look to others online just accept me for me. I don’t want to feel shame or embarrassment from you about me. I don’t need that. I don’t want to feel like the image I present of myself is more important to you than what I actually want or think. That you’re more worried about how the things I do or say or post reflect on you and what others might think about you when you shouldn’t. Valuing the opinions of others over the happiness of the person who should really matter to you. Asking yourself what is really more important to you. And whether you should really put your energy into trying to change and control someone or embracing and respecting them for the individual they are. Loving them for who they are and not just only who you want them to be and wish they were. Because falling in love with dreams is only ever going to hurt you in the long run when your dreams are only yours and not the reality that is in front of you. Holding onto a dream that will never become a reality because it was never someone else’s. And understanding that it was never fair to expect someone else to make your dream come alive. It’s taken me time to process all of this leading up to telling you these things. I do not expect you to process it any time relatively soon. Or even know what you feel. How to feel.

This is space and time. From me. A part from you. To process. To break a little. To reevaluate. To hurt. To heal. For you. For me. Because we both need it before we are ready to try to start again from a different point and be better. And if you do not want to and all you feel is shame and disappointment, I’ve been preparing for it; expecting it for a very long time. It won’t be my loss and at least I know that I tried. That I gave you a chance to know the me that I know, that I’m proud of and proud to be. That at least you have a chance to see me how I’ve always wanted to be seen and see myself. Knowing that I will be out there living my best life being the best version of myself being a good person and someone I’m so honored to have become and developed into.

This is who I am and you can take it or leave it. I no longer have any room in my life for those who don’t accept me for who I am and want to only put energy into things and people who are healthy for me. Who support me and love me no matter what. I hope you can understand this as hard as it may be to hear. I don't want to be two versions of myself anymore. I'm emotionally exhausted from it. I hope that maybe this can give us a shot as a real relationship between us in the future.

With love and respect for whatever you may decide. All I ask is that you take all the time that you need to process everything that you may feel about this and towards this. Don’t invalidate anything that you feel and please don’t blame yourselves in any way. I am becoming the best version of myself and the person who I want to be. And that is something to be happy about, excited about.

Change doesn't have to be a negative thing. Different doesn't have to mean wrong. Growing doesn't have to mean apart. Unknown doesn't have to be scary. New doesn't have to mean bad. Distance doesn't have to mean losing closeness. New vision doesn't have to mean losing vision. Love doesn't have to mean conditional. It never is unless we make it that.

This is a chance to get to know her. The real her.

A chance to grow with her if you allow it to be.

humanity
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About the Creator

M F

Your Feelings Are Valid Author. Chainsmokers and Fletcher fanatic. Quote lover. More emotional than your typical Capricorn. TPA. ISTJ. Lesbian. Asian.

Insta: @garnishdaddy. Owner of Native Cocktail Events

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