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I Just Want My Fucking Life Back

A Frustrated Plea as June gives to July

By Eric MachinePublished 4 years ago 19 min read
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I Just Want My Fucking Life Back
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

I thought I would come on tonight and write the next part of my story with my boyfriend (Dating a College Jock) - something I am doing to distract myself from the monotonous endless horror of this year.

Instead, I sit in front of the computer, unable to even tell the next chapter of that story because it is too painful. It will take me back in reverie and nostalgia. It will take me back to 2019 when things were "good". Naturally, I didn't know they were "good" - we as humans can only realize we HAD it good when we see how BAD things are. We never know we are in "the good old days" until it is too late.

In November of 2019, I woke up one morning with a start.

I had a sudden idea.

It was a brilliant idea, a strong income generating idea.

I remember holding my mouth in wonder as the pieces all came together. I have been in decent paying technology and financial companies my entire career - I had never wanted to go into business by myself - but suddenly I was seeing something. I had the flash of inspiration I never thought possible to strike out on my own.

I am not a risk-taker. I am a careful planner. With each day I thought more and more about my plan - there was so little cost to starting it. It would require no physical products. I began thinking of how I could sell and market it. I reasoned it would take me a year - I could work to help fund it and invest it until I got it up and running, and then I would strike. I started fantasizing that I could retire next year by 45.

In November of 2019, I lived by myself in a medium-size one bedroom apartment with my 2 cats. I had a long-distance boyfriend who lived in South America. I had a few very good friends and family. I had space, independence and a nest egg. I was in an open relationship so for the first time in my life, I had an amazing and exploratory sex life.

I played video games and played trumpet in a local orchestra for fun. I volunteered on Thursday nights to underprivileged children. I occasionally went to sex parties with my best friend on Saturdays. We would drink or get high and have an amazing time, stumbling back to our apartments with our arms around each other at 9am.

Christmas and New Years were coming. 2020 was going to be an amazing year and as it came to a close, my boyfriend and I planned a beautiful trip to Madrid. Though we were open in long distance, we were always closed when we were together and as the days got closer to us being able to touch each other again - I could tell the anticipation was making us both crazy. We hadn't seen each other since late October.

On December 16th, I was laid off from my job. I couldn't have been more surprised if I woke up with a walrus for an elbow. I had been with my company for 5 years, I knew I was very well thought of, my VP and I had spoken a few times about me being promoted within the next year. It was a redundancy - they were relocating my department and several others to India. I didn't take it personally, I was able to get a few months' severance. I took it as a sign. It was an unexpected blow, but I always look on the positive side of things.

I spent January in Spain with my boyfriend. I talked to him about my idea and he was so supportive. We even talked about how I could potentially tap into the South American market as well. I told him my plan was to find another job relatively quickly and spend spring and summer launching my idea, see if it could monetize by Autumn and by next Winter I could potentially "retire" and just live off of my business.

I am fortunate enough to have very rare and very marketable skills - I have been extremely fortunate that I have never been unemployed and each time I moved companies, it was because I was actively recruited and given a much higher salary, twice I was relocated.

So when I updated my LinkedIn to "open" - sure enough within a few days my inbox began to fill up. I became confident when I saw both Google and Facebook reached out to me on my first day of being available. I updated my resume and began applying to jobs - the initial phone screens and first video calls all went well - everything was according to plan. I even turned down about 10 or 12 roles after the first phone call. The salary was too low, or the job wasn't senior enough. I have almost 21 years of experience, I wasn't looking to take a step backwards financially or responsibility wise.

On February 8th, events began to happen. I am the most happy-go-lucky cheerful guy there is - I realize life is a series of ups and downs and you win some and you lose some and everything works out in the end.

Life has been a series of downs and only downs since February 8th.

I woke up with an alert from my bank and saw that almost $30,000 had been taken out of my account by the IRS. It left me with about $2,000. I panicked and freaked out. After spending hours with them on the phone we traced an issue back to 2012 and 2013 filing - something had happened and I needed to try and track it down.

There is a very alarming process that happens when you have a little bit of money and can breathe, to one day just not having any - the bad news continued when I got a notice in the mail - my landlord had decided to not renew my lease and I had 30 days to move out. I didn't have a job. I had no savings and I now I had a month to get secure and find a new place. Anyone who is familiar with renting in NYC knows you usually need 3 months of rent and deposit, exceptional credit, letters of employment and everything else under the sun. I had no idea what to do.

My relationship naturally turned a little rocky - I was supposed to go back to South America and visit my boyfriend the last week of March, I began telling him I didn't think it was possible. I had to fix my life first.

I couldn't track down the documents I needed for the IRS - I was calling old jobs and companies looking for W-2 statements. I was calling and researching H&R Block for files from 8 years ago. I realized I should file for Unemployment and did so.

I got to the third round in a few places - and then began receiving an endless stream of rejections. "While your qualifications are impressive...", etc, etc.

The last week of February I had 11 interviews and 8 of them cancelled because that is when COVID-19 happened.

I had no place to go and started looking for local AirBnb's - I could afford maybe 3 - 6 weeks, I just needed to start working. Naturally I couldn't take my cats with me - I gave them to a close friend who generously offered to watch them for a few months until I landed on my feet.

On February 28th, I moved out of my apartment. It was the first time in my life I wasn't moving somewhere else. I needed to put my stuff in storage. I actually like moving - aside from the stress- it's awesome to just walk into a new place and start filling it with your stuff and this was the first time in my life I felt like a failure. I had nowhere to go and after the storage company took the last box, I looked around my apartment and remembered how happy and excited I was when I moved in, and I began to cry a little. I left some furniture and a mounted TV there because I couldn't afford to pay the guys the extra $350 to dismantle it and put it in a box. I went to a hotel with 2 bags of clothes.

A friend of mine who owes me some money but hasn't been able to pay it back yet lent me one of his credit cards - luckily my unemployment claim was approved and I began receiving $500 per week. I moved into a small AirBnb studio in Chelsea and spent every waking hour interviewing, job searching and alternating that with building my business. I was interviewing with several good companies and a few not so great ones - but I was desperate I would've taken anything at that point.

On March 14th, I gave up. Every role had closed. New York was in the grips of a pandemic. I berated myself for leaving my apartment- I could've stayed there in moderate comfort. I had no choice and called my uncle who lives a few hours away in a tiny little town in a very poor area of New York. We've always been close and when I explained my situation to him, he welcomed me with open arms. I had about $900 left to my name and used $250 to take a taxi up there.

I arrived on March 16th with 2 bags of clothes and my laptop - I told him it was temporary, I would gladly give him a little money every week for rent from my unemployment - he waved off all of my offers and just said to make myself at home.

Moving in with family when you are an adult can be hard - at the age of 45 it was horrifying. To feel like such a failure, to try and be "yourself" when you know you are in someone else's space is downright awkward. To realize you are infringing on all of their rituals, their processes, their comfort. He lives in a moderately small house and the junior room off of his bedroom is where my twin size bed is with a small dresser.

That very week, my unemployment payment didn't arrive as usual. I figured it was just the COVID rush, but it happened 3 more weeks in a row and another "for the first time in x years", my checking account turned negative. I had forgotten a few things that were on auto-pay. The IRS stopped responding, everything froze.

My relationship began to fall apart. We were both miserable. As bad as my situation was, his was worse. He in a small mountain town visiting a friend when COVID struck. His friend had left a few days prior and my boyfriend was by himself in a tiny little apartment - with all bus services cancelled. After 2 days, the power went out for almost a week. We tried to comfort each other as best we could - that this was all temporary - that we would be back together by the summer that things would go back to the way they were - traveling over the world, partying, late night conversations, laughter, planning our future together.

I called the unemployment office religiously - it was always busy. At one point I called them 1000 times in 4 hours and took a screenshot to try and get the attention of someone to help. I filed every week and nothing happened. I applied for jobs and nothing. I built up my business and nothing. I wrote, I tried to find side-work, nothing.

I am not proud and in my Uncle's small town there is a small supermarket. It was advertising it needed cashier's, paying $12.50 an hour. I applied for the job and got an interview - and talked about it with my Uncle - he reminded me he was 71 with a bad lung condition - I couldn't work and expose myself to the public without exposing him. He insisted to not worry about working and he would pay for us. I knew he earned almost nothing on SS. I hated myself.

Then the bad news just kept rolling. I woke up week after week with a text from friends or family: "My Mom's in the hospital, it's COVID" a few hours later: "She just passed - no service - we are doing a virtual memorial in a month." A couple in which I am very good friends with lost 3 of their 4 parents in the course of a week. My best friend lost his father. The friend watching my cat lost his mother. Everyone lost their job. When the stimulus check program was announced, I tried to file and was told I needed to file old tax documents from 2010 to be eligible. I have no idea where I would even start to look - other than my stuff in storage.

Every bill went to arrears. Credit Cards, Student Loans, Memberships. I called and negotiated and explained as much as I could - I should be working by April or my unemployment would get fixed - something would happen.

April came and went - more nothing - other than putting on 35 lbs. I called and called Unemployment, never got through.

I had my birthday in May, as did my boyfriend. We both artificially smiled through it, remembering the plans we made to meet in South America and celebrate together. We promised each other that our birthdays in 2021 would be better.

I finally launched my business in full - I was proud of it, but it generated nothing. Nothing I did or said worked. I can offer services both to regular people and companies both. I sent notes to hundreds of people in my social networks - asking if I could help, if they needed services. I offered a 20% off discount as a way to get business - then a 40% discount, then 80% - I got one or two small bites. $75 here, $100 there. Enough to keep my cell phone on for one more month.

I was humbled and humbled and humbled. I took short walks to a small pond nearby and I reflected on my arrogance and confidence - I resolved to do better, to be better. I had hopes all of this would eventually turn around - instead of approaching interviews with a "you should definitely hire me" attitude, I began to be far more "how can I help?" - I started interviewing for roles far more junior than I had - I expressed myself clearly to hiring managers - I just wanted to work again and make impact. I didn't need a fancy title or a high paying job.

I began to consider roles that were 60% of what I was making before and a decade earlier in my career - and continued to go a few stages, and then get rejected. One very kind hiring manager sent me an email saying she knew I would land in the right place and that I would be amazing - she expressed she didn't see how I would be happy in that role, especially since she only had 5 years of experience and wasn't confident she would be able to manage or develop me in a way that was fulfilling.

I tried to be positive. I tried to focus on gratitude - I had a roof over my head and food. I had a loving uncle and I had free use of his study to do all my work in. Some days we would watch TV together all day. I did chores for him and would go food shopping and pick up his prescriptions. I tried to focus on the fact we had a little special time together - watching some of his favorite TV shows or going on stress-induced shopping runs.

In May, I had a medical emergency - and did nothing - because I didn't have health insurance. I instead hid it from my Uncle. I am still hiding it from him - I am hiding it until I can work and get a little money or health insurance.

The last week of May, my boyfriend ended the relationship. A relationship can't be built on "hope" and Colombia had announced they were closed until September. Listlessly over texts we both thanked the other one for the experiences and said we loved each other and then blocked the other. So long and farewell.

On May 30th, I woke up to a late night phone call from a phone number I didn't recognize. I answered it - a good friend of mine had been found murdered in his bed. His throat was slit and his house was robbed. There would be no service due to the virus. I grieved alone, looking at pictures from when he had a small party in January.

The first day of June, when I woke up my account was -$205, I had been filing with Unemployment every week. I had written them through their online service and twice with physical letters - and never received a response. My credit score plummeted. I began getting 10-20 calls daily from credit card companies - I didn't have the energy to deal with them. I lost each of my memberships and didn't care. Spotify, Netflix, Amazon, Hulu all of these apps and programs I used for distraction, for normalcy, gone, gone, gone.

The first week of June, I received my very first tiny piece of good news. I finally connected with a human being at the Unemployment office, who after 2 hours of transferring me around, finally found the problem. My company indicated that "I quit without notice or cause." I laughed in a mixture of the irony with some relief. That's an administrative error - it must be. I emailed my manager and he confirmed it - it must have been a mistake, there was no intent to dispute my claim and it was likely a junior HR clerk had misunderstood. The person from Unemployment said letters went on in mid March to my old address. Of course, I never got them.

I filed a letter of appeal online and then sent a live letter. I woke up every day excitedly checking the status of the claim. There was never an update. I got notes from the storage company that my account was now 3-4 months in arrears and they would have to sell my stuff if I didn't pay it in full. I have 3 weeks to try to come up with that - I doubt I will - I guess i'm losing my stuff.

I continued filing every week, I saw a few more job opportunities open - a very nice job came up and when the recruiter and I spoke, I couldn't contain my excitement. It was a dream job - remote in NY for the rest of the year and then a full relocation next summer. The role hadn't even been posted yet - and there THREE of them. The recruiter said they hadn't been able to find anyone with the experience and skills locally so they were expanding the search, and to top if all off the salary was 35% more than what I was making before. I studied and practiced like it was my first time interviewing. I wanted to make a phenomenal impression. I researched and rehearsed and spoke to 2 people who worked for the company and they both gave me advice and excitedly told me that I was a perfect fit.

I knew better than to place all eggs in one basket- I continued to interview, apply for roles, try to get my own business off the ground. I wrote, joined sites like this and Medium, made a few online courses on Udemy - did everything possible to feel productive and potentially earn passive income when things improved.

I got to the third round with the exciting company last Thursday - and both hiring managers concluded the interview saying they would definitely be in touch. I woke up this morning to the denial letter.

Feeling more defeated than I thought possible, I applied to more jobs, sent more notes and called the Unemployment office and got through to a person. She explained that the Claimant Appeal process is in a 3 month backlog - she confirmed that my letter of appeal had been received - and it would likely take 6-8 weeks to hear back, and my court date to review the information would likely be another 8-12 weeks out. I hung up the phone after listlessly thanking her. I hope she didn't realize I had been in tears for most of the conversation. Not angry, not depressed. Just done. Just so done. Just so "what the fuck did I do in my last life that I can't catch one fucking break done."

I am done.

I am done with this year, I am done with the bad news.

I want my life back, I want to see my cats, I want to laugh and I want to work. I want to feel useful and I want to see movies and play video games. I want to have sex and I want to go to parties and I want to listen to music in my own bed. I want to feel alive and useful. I want to travel and I want to participate in conversations without feeling like a pathetic fucking failure who every time well meaning friends or family reach out to, give me deep pitying looks and saying "it will get better soon" as I have to report "nope, no job, no unemployment, now single, still homeless." I want to grieve the loss of my boyfriend. I want to have an ounce of privacy. I want my Uncle to have his house back. I am over it.

I want SO MUCH just to get some fucking good news.

This entire day - I have been focused on the fact that it is June 30th. For those who believe in numerology 6 has always been my unluckiest number and 7 has always been incredibly lucky for me.

I am praying to any gods who are out there - any "source" in the universe, any tricksters or fairies or who knows what - please - let this never ending stream of bad luck end. When I wake up tomorrow, please in the name of everything holy - please let it start to change. I'll gladly continue to accept the licks and downturns that happen with life with the same smile I've always had - but please please please - can I wake up tomorrow with good news? Can I feel better? Can I not have a pit of dread in my stomach that everything is horrible and will never improve?

Thank you Universe. Thank you

humanity
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About the Creator

Eric Machine

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