I Found My Voice

by Cindy Gust 4 months ago in divorce

P.S. I Love You

I Found My Voice

I’ve been crying ever since I woke up this morning and I can’t stop asking myself “Why?” I also can’t stop asking myself, “Who?” or “What?” I’ve been trying to just move along in my day, but I am finding it impossible. I am losing myself, slowly, into the depths of something I cannot understand. And nobody will explain it to me, no matter how much I plead. And now it’s come down to the moment that I have to be honest with myself. And everybody else if there’s ever going to be closure to this sad state in the world. The thing about it is, I haven’t been honest throughout this entire book. But I’m going to be honest now. Because no matter how hard I try, I just can’t see things any other way. I see it in my head, no matter how hard I try to convince myself it isn’t real. And no matter how hard others out there try to beat me down to silence. I’m going to do what they’ve been promoting me to do all along. I’m going to speak my truth and be honest, as I see it from my point of view. From the picture in my head.

No matter how hard these people have been trying to keep me quiet, I just can’t. I have tried for so long to go along with what they say. I let people believe that I had truly lost my head. But the fact is, it is real. And nobody can convince me of anything different. That’s why I have decided I am finishing my book, then getting off the internet. I can’t stay on there anymore, knowing what I know. It’s like what I did as a kid, when I kept my mouth shut those times when I shouldn’t have. If I continue to “go along” with the lies I know they are telling me just so I can stay on the internet, then I’m pretty much saying I’m going along with their wickedness, or that I’m condoning the cruelty they’ll throw at the next victim. Now, I have meditated in this, and I have prayed to God. The only answer I’m being given is to trust my intuition within. Because I’m never going to get anybody to go against and confess. So here it goes, my truth and me, and who knows, it may just end in death. But I’m going to do it. I have to. I won’t have peace in my heart until I do.

For the past year I have been the victim of cyber stalking and bullying by a particular community of people. If I would have just listened to people when they told me to get off the internet, I wouldn’t be the mess that I am today. But there was something curious about it that kept me coming back. Well, “they” kept me curious. They kept me coming back by making promises that were never fulfilled. They promised me my ex was coming back. They promised me I was going to be getting money. They promised me life was going to be happy and great, just like a Cinderella story. In the condition I was in, I fell for it, hook, line and bobber. I was already in a vulnerable state, because I was grieving over the break up with my ex. I will never actually get anybody to admit this to me face to face, but I know now, in my heart, it’s true. My ex got his friends involved in our breakup, in hopes that I would either kill myself or end up in an institution. You see, he knew of my mental health condition, as well as my addiction. And he used it to his advantage. He got all of his friends to feel sorry for him, by looking like the victim himself. You see, he was really good at that. A covert narcissist is what they call it. He was also the youngest child. And I’m not sure many people know this, but the youngest child has a role to play in their family dynamics. He had older siblings who protected him and a parent who encouraged him that he could do no wrong. That’s the makings of a sociopath, according to the psychology that I studied. And I recognized this dysfunction within the family right away. I certainly never said anything though. His family was always giving him pats and sympathy, as he dealt the cards. He knew what he was doing and how to play them like a charm. Nobody will ever see these things in him though. But I did. And I do. That’s why he’s done these things to me. Oh, I should be more careful, because it wasn’t him directly. He just put his sad face on and everybody fell for it. That is how the game goes. And then he just sits back and watches the show.

Of course there was, nor is anything I can do about it. I have no credibility because of my mental health diagnosis and history of addiction. Believe me, I’ve tried. Nobody cared. Other than a concern that maybe I should be hospitalized for a breakdown. Which I fought like crazy, because I didn’t want him to be the one to take me down. Today, though, I really don’t care. They kept me on the fishing line for a whole year. But now that my KARMA is over (they say), all of a sudden there is no reward there. And I’ve been left feeling….. I can’t even find the words.

I’m mostly angry at myself for allowing the illusion, especially for so long. But I wanted him back so bad, I wanted to believe anything. But the truth is, I didn’t really want him back because I loved him. I wanted him back to make myself feel better for the way our breakup happened. I was mean and vicious. But it was not on purpose, or intentional like he did dirty to me. What I did was an accident. What he did was intentional. You couldn’t convince him of that though. He was going to get me no matter what it cost.

There is not a soul out there that can convince me of anything different. He has had plenty of opportunities to plead his case with me. But he didn’t and hasn’t. Nor has he stopped me from contacting him. But he stopped everything with me. He loves it when I email him, begging for some mercy. Like I said, a sociopath loves to know their victims are in pain. It gives him pleasure to know he has that much power and control. Because everywhere else in his life he feels he has none.

When I look back at the time we were together, there were times he almost let his aggression out. But caught himself quick enough to make me question if I just saw what I saw; the face he would make at me when he would grab me by my ear and pinch really hard. That example usually revolved around me talking to another guy. He was a very jealous person. I also knew not to talk about our problems. Everything was always such a secret. And I can’t help but think of Enya. Enya was “our” dog. Well, his now. If you ever go and visit, just watch Enya. Dogs are very good indicators of how a person will treat you. So pay attention, if you see a cowering nervous dog by the master you should take heed. I could always see the confusion in her face, as if to say, “Gee, I know I’ve got to sit here and I might just get a whop, I don’t want to, but I have to, because I love him and I want to please him.” His little dog acted the same way. He had a certain kind of authority in his personality that made a person love to be kicked by him. I see now, in hindsight, that was me. I was just like a dog, begging for attention, even if it was bad attention. I think it was codependency that eventually turned into Stockholm syndrome. And the crazy thing is, he never had to say too much. It was in his face and his demeanor, that really said a lot.

Well, now that I have let some of this out I feel a little better. I know there’s a lot more I could say about the situation. But I think I’ll save it for another book, AFTER I am confident I’ve been healed.

Cindy Gust
Cindy Gust
Read next: 'Chocolate Kisses'
Cindy Gust

49 years old, from Wisconsin USA. I aspire to be a best selling author. In the process of writing my first book! I am a wellness advocate for doTERRA essential oils, I love making DIY skin care products with essential oils.

See all posts by Cindy Gust