I Don't Want to Be Grateful

But it Turns Out I Am

By Mary HPublished 3 years ago • 5 min read

I’ll be honest. I really hated this challenge. It wasn’t instantaneous loathing though. In fact, for a moment, that subject line, “New Challenge: 1000$ Prize,” gave me a glimmer of hope. Maybe I won’t end this year in credit card debt. Maybe, I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror and think, “That girl has prospects.” Then I clicked on the email.

I saw the serene face of that beautiful model in the key art. I took in the knowing smile curving the edge of her lips and her eyes closed against the rapture of the inner peace she was inhaling. Then I read the challenge title, “Thankful Thoughts,” and I had to fight the urge to close my browser in her stupid happy face.

No. I thought, Challenge not accepted. Then I marked the email unread. It’s what I do to all the emails I want to ignore but feel guilty about deleting. I figured I would find it a month later, moan over how I missed the deadline, feel a little disgusted at my lack of organization and then go on with my life.

But, I couldn’t shake this challenge. I couldn’t forget that face, and the feeling of irritation I felt whenever I contemplated the idea of counting my blessings.

Finally one night, my brother and roommate asked me if I was going to enter this challenge.

I fumbled for a good excuse, “Um, I don’t know. It’s kind of vague and...hard?”

“Ok,” he said, smiled and took his dog on a walk.

Meanwhile I felt a rush of shame. You have to understand, Jonah is essentially supporting me right now. We’re both opera singers and when Jonah got a job in New York he asked me to come with him. At first I said no, no thank you. I am not a crazy person. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. If you go to New York you could get coachings with amazing people, take acting classes, lose weight, and also be living in New York. I slowly talked myself into what a great idea it was. I convinced myself I could just get a job doing any old thing to make money for my fantastic life. I wouldn’t even have to make much because Jonah only needed me to pay a third of the rent.

I moved with Jonah without a job. No problem, I have savings. I can do this for at least two months and be fine….

And here we are three months later with me staring at myself in the mirror wondering when I became an unemployed loser. The worst part is that Jonah is really nice about it. He says I’ll pay him back later, buys me diet coke and claims he would hate living here without me. I cling to every word like someone doused in gasoline hanging over a bonfire by a string. He is an angel I think and then I yell at him for playing the piano too much.

And though he didn’t say it and never would, I heard a voice inside me scream, you can write 600 uncomfortable words on the otherworldly chance that you win a cash prize to help out that face. That much got me to the computer.

Where I sat, and thought, and sat some more. I wrote lists of things I was grateful for including such inspired entries as, “Diet coke, diet coke right out of the fridge. Oh no, am I addicted to diet coke?” And, of course I included my family, my faith, and the spiderman game on Jonah’s playstation. It wasn’t hard because the truth is there so much stuff to be grateful for. The problem was that it wasn’t making me feel better. Well, that’s not quite true. It was making me feel better, but it wasn’t making me feel whole the way it usually does.

I didn’t know what it was until I sat down today to hash it again. I realized that I was holding onto my negativity like a catholic rosary. It was a shield. You see, my general displeasure for the way the year has turned out has been a great armor against my own self loathing. Why don’t I have a job? 2020 of course! Why do I keep eating things I shouldn’t and buying things I shouldn’t. Because of how terrible 2020 is.

To admit that 2020 was full of beautiful and life affirming experiences and people felt like admitting I was to blame for all of my problems. And strangely with that realization, I felt...better? Sometimes saying something exactly how you’re feeling makes you realize how flawed the statement is. Maybe it is my fault that I’m unemployed. I know I could certainly do better, but...I’m doing what I can. And the thing is, I’m here, alive, to try. It turns out I do have things to be grateful for. And with that, I would like to humbly premiere Mary’s gratitude list for the year 2020.