I Don't Fear Failure. I Fear Success.

Nobody I know reads these, which I think is good because this has become a kind of a journal for me (and I guess all of you strangers who read this! Hi!). I think that it's the appeal that learning something personal about a stranger and telling a stranger your deepest feelings brings. So, hopefully you enjoy this brain spill, word vomit, chaos-filled article/journal entry.

Basically, I wanted to write about how I've been feeling lately, especially as finals approach, sports start up again, and life is slowly returning to normal. The thing that's been stuck in my mind is how I'm actually scared of doing well.

I'm pretty sure that that's not quite normal, honestly. If I try to explain it, the best that I can come up with is probably that I'm really scared that if I do well, if I start to succeed in the way that I'm working towards, then I'll lose my identity. Like, I spend so much time trying to succeed in my sport, in my work, my writing, my schoolwork, that I think it's become part of how I see myself and everyone sees me. I'm always trying.

So I've been thinking. What would happen if I succeed? What's going to happen if I actually end up getting what I want, ending the year with the grades I want, getting the scholarships and letters that I want, writing and drawing things that I'm proud to share?

The thought that I might succeed scares me just as much as the thought that I might not succeed. I think that the main bit of it is that I've integrated my desire to succeed so far into my identity that I'm scared that I'll lose that part of myself when I reach the goal that I've set. I'm scared that I'll succeed and it won't lead to the things that I thought it will, or that succeeding will make me boring.

Is a person boring if they don't have anything to work towards?

Like, I think that if I succeed, if I get the degree I want, if I get the grades I want, I'll plateau, and if I plateau, I'm going to just be sad and feel stuck.

If I have what I wanted, what's the point of trying to go further.

Yes, I know it's actually ridiculous that I'm thinking that way. I'm sure that it has something to do with anxiety and the fact that people used to drill into me that I was smart, I was talented, but when I came into the real world, nobody cared and everyone was still equal. I just want to keep chasing the idea of who I think I was supposed to be.

I know that I can set other goals that I can complete after I've finished the basics that I'm currently working towards. If I run a 8:30 mile time, I can keep pushing myself to try and lower it. If I graduate with the degree I want and the grades that I want, I can look to find a job that suits me. If I land the perfect job, I can turn my attention towards a home, a relationship.

I know that.

Rationally.

But I still feel like that won't happen. I don't think that it's a result of thinking I'm going to fail, because I know that if I do actually manage to put effort into something, I do actually succeed most of the time. It's really just more the idea that maybe someday there will be nothing left to chase because I succeeded in getting everything that I actually wanted. It's the idea that one day I'll become too old to do what I want to keep doing.

Then what?

If I end up handicapped like that, what will bring me joy? What will I have to work towards if everything that I've worked towards has been accomplished, but I'm too sick to move forward?

That idea of stagnation scares me. If you don't have something to work for, what are you going to live for?

I'm not saying that I'd give up completely if I stopped being able to succeed, but I am saying that if I have to keep shrinking my goals, bringing them closer to reality, then that's going to wreak havoc in my mind. I love what I do, but as things get smaller and smaller and you have to stop reaching quite as far, that's when things get a little iffy. You don't know that everything's going to be okay because everything is shrinking and everything that you want to do is becoming something that you used to be able to do, to have.

To be honest, I think that I started thinking about this because exams are soon and a few days after that it will be summer, then I'm an upperclassman, then I'm graduating. It seems like so much time but also not enough at all.

The chapter that I've known is going to end and I'm going to have to keep reading, but this time in unfamiliar territory. Its the goddamn fear of the unknown, I guess.

Anyways, I just wanted to put this out there. I don't know if this is an actual problem that people (specifically the mentally healthy ones) are experiencing, but I think that if I could, I'd love to be a resource for anyone who, like me, is confused and scared and tired, and just wants to know that somebody else shares the same experience, that somebody else is going through the same thing that I am at the same time.

Hopefully my brain spew helps somebody else. Hopefully somebody can at least understand a little bit more where their fear of succeeding comes from and what it's going to bring to the future. If it didn't help and you just enjoyed reading the mental discourse of a stranger, that's fine too! Thanks for coming to whatever this "journal entry" is, no matter what position you come from. I wish you luck for whatever you need it for!