I choose me

I have never felt at any point in my life that I have ever done anything for myself. The other day I was feeling as if I was doing something wrong because I knew it was upsetting other people and I got caught up in this inner turmoil because I hate letting people down; until I realized I hate letting people down, but I constantly disappoint myself. I never take care of myself or what I want out of my own life. I would bend over backward for people and leave my own plans in the dust.

I never felt comfortable existing for myself. I was always so preoccupied about how my life looked to others, I was always so afraid of something. Afraid that if I just existed for myself I would somehow be fucking up a lot.

I've walked so stiffly my entire life so afraid to fall out of place when I was already out of place to begin with. Constantly pushing against the flow of life. I always seemed so uncomfortable and tied down by something. I felt as if the only thing I exuded was pure fear and discomfort. I felt I constantly exuded the essence of prey.

Never confident in myself, never in love with myself; I was out of body constantly. I've never felt the relief of just being me. I felt as if I have been putting on a show for the past 23 years of my life. Always morphing myself into everyone else's image, worrying about whether I fit into what they want, but what about what I want? I always worried about if what I was doing was right, not because of how it would affect me, but how it would affect others. I took over the responsibility of not only my actions and reactions but everyone else's too.

I've quickly come to realize that all the problems I had been facing in my personal life were because I never chose myself. I always felt as if my life was constantly "do you want this or do you want that" or "are you choosing them or are you choosing me?" when all I wanted was to run away with myself, choose myself and run away and do what made me feel alive what made me feel as if life was something I wanted to do. I've never actually allowed myself to process any emotion because I was always processing everyone else's first.

It has become hard to choose myself because even when I am choosing myself, I find myself choosing myself for other people. I say "yes this is what I want" while attaching myself to ideas and people that have nothing to do with choosing myself. I've come to the realization that choosing yourself is being comfortable with yourself, being calm in your independence.

I have always heavily relied on others because of my own insecurities, I have put myself in situations and relationships with people that didn't serve me because I was worried that without them I couldn't do it. That somehow if I chose to be by myself, if I chose to do 'it' alone, whatever 'it' was, I would some how fail. Epically. I have created an unhealthy cycle around me based on the fact that I was so worried that if I relied on just myself, if I chose what I wanted to do with my existence it some how would upset the balance of everything and I would just be nothing but a downward spiral of failure.

Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone in failing. I have never felt comfortable alone with just myself. I have spent my life wanting a hand to hold but I have never felt like enough even for myself. Choosing yourself means having to be in love with yourself; but to love yourself you have to be comfortable in who you are, and I'm still trying to be comfortable in who I am, and being okay with just existing how I want to.

It's taken me a long time to realize that my worth isn't tied to what I do for others, when I barely do anything for myself. It's taken me a long time not realizing but coming to terms with the fact that I have no choice in being here but I have a choice in HOW I exist here. I'm going to protect myself and my existence. I am going to create my own reality because I'm tired of living like the early stages of Pinocchio, just a doll come to life that doesn't know what the hell they're doing because no ones pulled their strings to tell em' what to do or how to live; he got tired of it too at one point and strived to be real and I'd like to think I'm doing the same.