I Am Here to Experience All of It

Awarding myself with kindness has never been my strong suit. In the past, I have often deemed my needs to be secondary, only deserving of a menial glance, even from myself.

But with everything that has arisen this year and the year before, I have realized, not too late, that the framework of living does not fall on a linear path.

This year, while I have no solid list of things on any Resolution list, there are things I've desired of myself that have bled into the new year from the previous one. This list stems from my experiences as an individual with trauma to sift through, and as a person with anxiety to understand, but one I'd like to call curious anxiety. Where despite all the pains and frustrations, I am still eager to return to the world each day and figure out how I can live more peacefully and happily.

Sleep To Heal

While this list takes new forms daily, and I do not by any means give myself a hard time when I fall short of it, I use this as a daily guideline for me and my future. To help myself fully comprehend what brings me joy, and how I can reward myself in the ways I need to.

Ironically, while I used to pride myself on waking up at the crack of dawn in the summer, it was not a permanent virtue. Now in the winter, I find myself waking up as late as 10 AM, and unable to fall asleep until 2 in the morning. Originally, that would horrify me. I would give myself unsurmountable grief for not being the outstanding citizen I thought I should have been. I felt that my lopsided sleep schedule would inevitably correlate to my imminent failure as a human being.

But, now I realize it does not. There are beautiful things your brain can create in the midnight hours. 3 AM can be a magical time to witness, and feeling pangs of guilt for experiencing different times of the day now just doesn't make sense. Be open to experimenting with different sleep schedules, and as long as you are getting enough hours in and taking care of yourself, there is no shame in when your body tells you when it is time to sleep.

Pockets of Stillness

One aspect of life that I realized I needed to change was something I call my intake/outtake ratio. These days with the advent of new technology, we are inevitably less inspired to summon deeper thoughts and feelings from ourselves, fearing what might be dislodged from the depths of our psyches. With this fear of intimacy with ourselves, the innate drive to create is lulled. We have become content with content, in a constant state of taking multiple lives.

The creators we admire and what they make can be beautiful and inspiring, this is true. But once we are absorbing so much that we start to doubt our own capabilities is when we must take a pause, and examine the inner workings of our minds.

There are ways to go against the waves of this phenomenon that pulls us away from ourselves. We need to be curious about the pool of thought that exists in our heads, and we need to not just wade in it, but to float deep down to the depths.

How we do it can vary depending on the person, but the first step is in the realization that we have exceeded our capacity of intake. We've seen all the images we need to see, we've read all that we need to read, now all that's left is to investigate what stuck around in your own head, what decided to remain? What resonated with you?

One way to bring out these honest things inside you is to welcome stillness, to put yourself in places of quiet. One day, don't go shopping with your cellphone. Banish all electronics from your bedroom. Sit in a bathtub without any music, or if you're in Japan like me, stay in a sento for a few hours and ruminate. Take a walk with just a piece of paper and a pencil, and as you move your body, you will be surprised as to what beautiful words and thoughts spill out as you walk.

Making Peace from the pieces

What I find most valuable, is to be able to use all the parts of life and create a beautiful and unabashed mosaic of who we are. Not taking our past into account unmoors us, leaving us floating further away from who we can be.

During the most difficult moments in life, we are always in anticipation of something better. We can't wait to go through it, and we can't wait till we are finally in a place where we are better and the moments of hardship have finally made their final bow.

We can't leave our past behind us completely, but we can give them new meaning in our lives. Within my photography, this type of scrupulous introspection has been a constant practice. There is no consolation that compares to taking the things that were once heavy to carry and finding that they now can be lifted with ease.

Experiencing All of It

And finally, the biggest resolution of all: No matter what, no matter where I am in life, I want to be myself as much as I can.

I never would have vowed to do something so simple before, until I realized that the task of being yourself is not only a difficult thing to do, but it is one of the most worthy ventures you can embark on.

The world is too dark and dreary to not be yourself, to not reward yourself with the pleasure of being pure and honest. It has nothing to do with proving something to the world, to use it as leverage to get somewhere in life, but it has everything to do with fully experiencing it. To take it all in, the good and the bad, and hold it close, saying: I am here for you, Life. I am here. To experience all of it.