Truthfully, I don’t really know how to start this. The feelings and hurt and trauma are all so fresh. But I can say this, whole heartedly, please leave.
When we first met, I was love bombed. He showed me the person I’d been waiting for my entire life, everything I had ever wanted from a partner. He was thoughtful and caring and loving. He was the first man to buy me flowers. And to note, I wasn’t looking for love or a relationship. I was healing myself from past traumas still and just wanted to have fun. But he saw something in me that he wanted to keep, and that is how I became the narcissists prey.
The first few months we spent together were beautiful, it’s what I hold onto from our time together. I found out I was pregnant and was terrified, but him... he wasn’t, almost as if he’d been hoping for this. But his security and his strength and sureness. That’s what I needed in that time, so I leaned on him even more. That’s when things started to turn for the worst.
Many nights I spent lying awake because his phone would repeatedly ring through the night. Blocked number, texts from unsaved numbers, Snapchat’s from other women. When I finally found out the truth I packed my things and tried to leave. He had been entertaining another woman behind my back. Whom claimed she had also gotten pregnant and he kept it a secret from me. But I couldn’t leave. He told me that really it was my fault he still talked to her, because she had a miscarriage when she learned I was pregnant because of the stress. That I caused her miscarriage— a woman who I didn’t know. It was MY fault. So he justified talking to her by blaming me and telling me she would definitely kill her self if he stopped.
But in my past relationships I’ve been abused, cheated on, manipulated. And I refused to allow this to happen to me again, so I stood my ground and told him it was either her or me. He blocked her, and chose me. But that was when the real beast showed himself.
Once he realized I couldn’t be manipulated so easily he pulled out the big guns. And I haven’t been the same since.
Every single time I would catch him in a lie somehow he would turn it around and put the blame on me. It was always my fault. Anytime I caught him talking to another girl, or doing something behind my back he would call me names and curse at me and use my past and trauma against me. He would call me a useless junkie even though I had 5 years sober. He would tell me I am his biggest regret and that he hates me and that he’s sacrificed everything to make me happy.
I wasn’t allowed to go out with my friends past 10, I wasn’t allowed to dress a certain way, or talk to friends I’d had for years. He controlled every aspect of my life. And at a certain point I just stopped fighting back and gave the power over to him. I didn’t have it in me anymore to let myself get upset or argue. I couldn’t keep myself in that kind of stress while pregnant. So I stopped talking to all my friends and stayed home all night.
The biggest fight we ever had was because I expressed that I was feeling insecure. He always was hiding his messages and Snapchat, and always disappearing for hours and not telling me where he had to go. I needed reassurance that he wasn’t cheating— again. He swore up and down that I was crazy, tried to tell me he thought I was cheating on him and deflecting the blame to him. But about 30 minutes into the argument my friend was able to get a hold of a video of him hooking up with another girl on his best friends couch. Even after I sent the video to him he denied it was cheating. Claimed we were broken up, or fighting, like that somehow justified him having sex with her then coming home and having sex with his pregnant girlfriend.
I guess all I’m trying to really do here is vent: release.
I’m still here if you’re wondering, I still live with him. I’m still pregnant and I still love him. And part of me hopes that he will change. But he won’t, I know this. I’m scared for my future with him, and our babies. But my hopes are that in the next few months I’ll have enough money saved to get far away.
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