Hugs

If you are anything like me, hugs for you are essential; you need to be touched. Unfortunately for me I am not in a relationship that allows for even just one hug on a daily basis. I am at the start of a new relationship, but with social-distancing in place...well, I will remain emotionally starved I'm afraid for a bit longer.

As of late, I have been thinking a lot about hugs. I have been thinking about the various ways we hug, the various reasons we hug, the various meanings of a hug, the various people we hug and something that I never really thought too much about...the timing of a hug.

When it comes to the way we hug, we as humans use quite a variety of different hugs. I am just going to touch on a few. The most popular is probably what I deem the "everyday hug." This hug involves the arms around the neck or waist, heads resting on shoulders and torso contact. This is probably the hug most of us use 99% of the time without a second thought be it for a friend, relative, client, patient, man, woman or child. While the feelings and meanings behind the hug differ the appearance of the hug is the same---for those of us that are huggers.

Then you have the side by side hug usually hip to hip with arms wrapped around the shoulders or the waist. There are also gentle hugs like those we tenderly give to the frail like the sick, the elderly and the very young. You've got big, hearty, bear hugs, coming up behind you and wrapping your arms around someone's neck or waist hugs, and the barely there hug, which includes a pat on the back and cheek to cheek touching but no torso contact. However you hug, while it may look the same your hugs are uniquely yours and no one gives a hug quite like you.

Then we hug for a variety of reasons. We hug as a way of bringing comfort to someone. When we have no words this hug seems to sum it all up. We hug when we're excited. We hug because we care. We hug for no reason at all...just because. We hug when we love someone. Sometimes we hug out of obligation. We hug as a way of showing respect and we hug because we need human touch to thrive emotionally. Hugs are very therapeutic.

I suppose the meaning of a hug and our reasons pretty much go hand in hand. A hug can convey to someone that we love them, that we care for them, that we respect them, that we are sorry, that we are excited, that we are there for them, that we support them and to bring comfort to them when they are struggling.

Now, for the timing of a hug. While hugs are usually a welcome intrusion on our personal space there is a time and place for hugs. A hug given at an inappropriate time can have an array of outcomes and almost always a variety of lasting effects. Some short term, some quite memorable and some possibly unforgettable. It's probably a good rule of thumb in my opinion, not to hug someone who is crying if you really don't know them. Not everyone who is crying requires a hug or even wants one. I personally do not welcome hugs from strangers 99.999% of the time and ditto goes for a hug from a stranger when I am upset. That being said, there is that .001% of people that I meet that I would hug right away and off the top of my head I can think of even a smaller percent that I would hug instantaneously without having spoken to them before. I think I can count on one hand for sure how many times someone I never met and never spoke to came up and hugged me and I was okay with it.

Some instances where you might want to hold off on a hug: hugging the member of a wedding or the person officiating the wedding DURING the wedding, hugging someone on the toilet while they are using it, proceeding to hug the Pastor in the middle of a sermon and well, I think you catch my drift. Then there are times when the timing of a hug is simply impeccable and what's better yet is when that happens and the giver of the hug has no idea; the receiver of the hug is pleasantly surprised.

As the giver of a hug you may hug someone out of habit or because they motioned to you that they needed a hug and never really know or think about the effects of a hug. In the same instance, receiving a hug whether solicited or unsolicited can have a surprising effect when the timing, the setting and the person are all in harmony.

So, you may be wondering what triggered this in depth chat about hugs or maybe you are simply thinking that I must have no life to spend so much time sharing about something like hugs.

I have someone in my life whom I have known less than a year. They were that one in a million that hugged me the moment we met before we ever even exchanged words and, I was okay with that =) Yes, a complete stranger hugged me about the same time that we exchanged our first words, a polite greeting of some sort and while taken by surprise I was completely okay with that---a SUPER rarity for anyone who knows me much to any degree. I scarcely welcome conversation from strangers let alone hugs!

A hug when we saw each other became like a meaningful habit. Nearly every time we saw each other we would hug before we parted. I say meaningful habit because I do not believe that our hugs are ever exchanged just because that is what we do or for the hell of it. I believe that there is a reason and meaning that flows with every hug, even the forced ones. With that being said I will continue my emphasis on timeliness. For me personally, the way that I felt when we hugged goodbye was basically always the same. It was always nice and a good way to end our visit. However, one day that all changed and triggered this story and a song that I wrote.

It was my first day at a new job. Everything was new. Getting up and getting ready at 5:30 in the morning, getting all my make up on, getting some breakfast during my commute, the commute itself, a new place to spend eight hours of my day, new people to interact with, learning my way around new surroundings; you name it, it was new.

I had a rough first day. I think just being allergic to stupidity mixed with the fact that for the last 27 months my interactions with humans were handicapped at best and my interactions were severely limited in comparison to those in the work force. So, at 3:30 when my first day came to a close I could not have been happier. I needed to breathe and I needed to try and compose myself for the next leg of my journey as my day was not yet over.

During the commute to my next destination the events of my day that had me boiling, brewed and boiled even more. I was beyond normal levels of irritated or agitated. I took the time to YELL at the top of my lungs as I drove, hoping to alleviate some of the irritability but alas, no relief. Finally I am face to face with someone I am hoping will bring me some relief. At best I figured that I would get to blast off about what put me in such a foul mood and at worst it might be pointed out that I could possibly be being over the top and irrational or trying to dissect why the events of the day landed me in this ghastly space and state of mind.

Boy was I in for a surprise!

I am not sure why, but when we get together we usually do not hug upon meeting up with each other, usually just when we say goodbye so I felt it was kind of presumptuous of me to walk in and stand there with my arms outstretched and not budge until I got a hug. Not that I was standing there alone awkwardly, I mean, it all did kind of seem to flow together, but I'm sure they noticed.

Without skipping a beat we hugged. I rested my head on their shoulder for what was probably three-four seconds max; I let out a sigh of relief and they ask, knowing it's my first day back to work, if I am tired. I purpose not to answer at that exact moment because of something that was taking place for me. For what was just a few seconds and seemingly your normal, everyday hug, this time felt completely different. I don't know how else to explain it other than to convey for those few seconds that it felt like I was melting. Not in a lovey-dovey sort of way, but almost like a deep relaxation sort of way. If you have ever had a hug that was just this amazing space to be in you might have an idea of what I am referring to. For me, it was the timing of this hug that made it feel different.

I have not been able to get that feeling out of my head. It was so different and more than that it caught me off guard and was a pleasant surprise.

I finally answer them and say that I am overwhelmed. I lounge on the couch and proceed to go over what has me so furious. They have NEVER seen this side of me, at least, not to this extreme. I am loud and let more than a few four letter words fly and they proceed to tell me that I am "grouchy" to which I sassily reply "tell me something I DON'T know!" I think that they are more than surprised at my behavior at this point, but are very good about hiding it if that is indeed the case.

During the course of our time together even as I was talking seemingly non-stop, all the while I cannot get out of my head that different feeling that I had upon our initial hug. When we part and hug goodbye that hug is just like it always had been and my mind immediately begins to wonder what the difference was and I pondered on the commute home and into the evening.

The next day I set out to write a poem about hugs and put this new experience that I had into words. I ended up writing a song and that song launched what I called the Gr8 Deb8- a hug vs. an embrace. (please read the follow-up to this where that debate is spoken of.)

Since then I have not been able to get that feeling out of my mind. The only guess that makes sense is that in that moment that we hugged it was the first comfortable and familiar thing that I had in my life all day with the exception of driving and it was perfect timing. Everything else was new and different and unfamiliar and I was just on overload. So when I received that hug at the end of a long day, the comfortable familiarity was instead of just being the normal hug it had always been, took on a whole different vibe for those precious few seconds.

Am I silly? I don't think so, but I won't argue with you if you call me a sentimental sap. I do not know that I will ever realize exactly what made that hug feel different than the others other than the timing, but that moment will stick with me for a very long time and when I can no longer remember that moment I can refer back to this to hopefully relive it and remember it once again.

If I get brave and am still wondering what made that moment feel different I may avail myself and become vulnerable enough to run it past my therapist and let her weigh in on it. Her level of insight FAR exceeds mine... hence she is a Dr. and I am NOT and I can always count on her for these reasonable, yet amazing explanations that make more than TOTAL sense that I could never come up with on my own.

I promise if I receive any insight I will be sure to share!

Join me for my next prose session on hugs in the Gr8 Deb8: A Hug vs. An Embrace.

Until then inquiring minds!