How To Tell If Your Boyfriend's Female Friend Is "Just A Friend"

We've all been there at one point: your boyfriend chats with another girl, they exchange phone numbers, they spend time together occasionally and are connected on social media. You may or may not know their history as friends (i.e. if they were exes, have mutual friends, or if they went to school together), but what you do know is that it makes you feel a little bit uncomfortable. It's warranted of course: after all, you're the girlfriend. But not all of these kinds of friendships are serious matters that you need to worry about, and it can be difficult to tell which is which without being too intrusive. Here are 10 questions you can ask yourself to determine if you should take a deep breath and relax, or if you should think about having a serious talk with your boyfriend.

Where is she in his friends circle?

If this girl is in his friends circle, then there is a high probability that you have nothing to worry about, especially if you've been dating for at least a month or so. These will be girls who you'll see often, and you'll have met them early in your relationship because you will most likely spend a lot of time around them. In fact, in some cases the girls in his friend circle are usually either the girlfriends of his friends, or relative in this sense somehow. If there is something brewing between one of these girls and your man, then it will be very obvious to tell.

Have you had a conversation about it with him?

What we are looking for in a conversation like this is how your boyfriend reacts to a question about said "friend that is a girl." If you asking him about her triggers an aggravated assumption that you're just being jealous, or if he acts defensive and gets upset about it, then there might be a reason why he hasn't brought her up to you until now. And while I personally see no reason to have exes as friends, some people are able to maintain a cordial relationship with them, and it may make you feel that there were some unresolved matters between the two. However, if your boyfriend seems to show genuine interest in you and is able to reassure you of the situation in an appropriate way, he probably understands how you are probably feeling about this girl and will make it a point to show you that he cares about you differently from how he cares about her. It might even be a great idea to find out why this girl is so important to him, and to determine for yourself if she may be more important to him than you are. This, of course, should be based on how long you've been dating and when this girl suddenly became a part of your life.

Have you met her before?

Most of his friends that are girls will very likely be at social gatherings and parties you attend with him, where they might shake your hand, introduce themselves and perhaps even introduce you to their date or boyfriend. But if it seems like he talks to her everyday and you haven't met her yet, then you might just be right to wonder why. While not ever meeting her might just mean that she's just not all that important to him, the same can be said about having met her and still not trusting her. But at the same time while it is impossible for your boyfriend to meet all your guy friends, it can also be the same the other way around. Know this: if you haven't met her yet, it shouldn't mean anything bad right off the bat, but if you have already met one another then you should be a lot less worried.

Does he keep her text messages?

A big red-flag indicator could simply be that they don't text one another when you're around. Sometimes this can set around an arranged time of the day when your boyfriend knows you won't be around. I once knew a girl who was in a relationship who would text her ex-boyfriend only during working hours when her boyfriend went off to work. Even though she really hadn't done anything wrong and gone as far as cheating on her boyfriend, she would text her ex Monday to Friday and delete their text messages before he came home from work. Admittedly, this could be difficult to decipher without looking like a paranoid girlfriend. But no two people can put up a charade like this for very long, and if this is going on know that it will come up eventually but until then, keep your distance to avoid suspicion.

How did you discover her existence?

The speed and method in which your boyfriend tells you about this girl will explain a lot right off the bat: did he casually tell you by chance with, "Oh, that's where Heather and I used to hang out when we were kids," or did she come up one day during a story he was telling? If you just so happen to see her send him a text message in the middle of the day and you have no idea who she is, then could there be a reason why he hasn't mentioned her to you yet?

Is she a new or old friend?

Much in line with the previous question, it should be noted that where you are in your relationship that you discover this girl's existence is also a key factor. If you are a new couple and he shares her name with you early on in the relationship, chances are they're good friends and there is nothing to worry about. But if you've been together for a while and you're only hearing about this girl now, unless she is a new friend he's met recently, then it might be a good idea to find out if there is a reason why she is suddenly coming up in casual conversation when she hadn't previously. Knowing if she's been a good friend of his since college, or if he's just recently met her can be a good indication of friendship status depending on how long it takes him to share her existence with you.

Is there a reason why they communicate?

For some, there can be a long standing friendship between a third party female and your boyfriend that could very well put her before you in some situations. A lot of women find platonic friendship with men because men are not as dramatic as women can be. It could be as simple as the fact that she was around when he had a family member pass away, or that he was around when she went through a traumatic time in her life. The reason behind their friendship should tell you their intent regarding their relationship with one another. Is she dating one of his friends? Did they grow up together as kids? Is she there just to provide an ego boost whenever you're not around? Whatever the motive, be sure you get a clear reason that will demonstrate where their connection comes from and whether or not it is platonic or potentially romantic.

What is your boyfriend's relationship with his own friends?

As a general rule, it is known that the people you surround yourself with are often a reflection of your own thoughts and actions. If your friends are single and like to party, chances are you often enjoy a night out on the town and being single. The same can easily be said about your boyfriend and the kinds of friends he enjoys spending time with. These are people who have just as much influence on your boyfriend as you might, if not more on occasions when it comes to issues regarding men. If even some of the friends he hangs out with have serious relationships of their own, then there shouldn't be a lot for you to worry about.And finally, the most important question...

Would your boyfriend truly risk cheating on you?

Think about this for a minute. Generally the kinds of people who are prone to cheating are the ones who are young and immature. They are at a stage in their lives where they haven't quite grown up completely just yet. Those of us who are looking to get married and be in serious relationships are usually thinking about the way we act and react to our partners and those we are around often. There is a level of consideration for the person you are with that is absent in cheaters. Of course, this is besides the fact that we are all susceptible to cheating, and it's not just teenagers who are prone to cheat. But if you were to ask yourself if having a long term relationship is important to him at this point in time, or whether or not there might be family influences that are reflective in your boyfriend's behaviors, what would your answer be?

When it comes down to it, your judgment will be based on how you perceive your own relationship with your boyfriend, and it is always going to be up to you to make your own decisions about what to do with the information you have. For the girls who are reading this and automatically thinking the worst of the men in their lives: trust me when I say that chances are, you're vastly overthinking it. If your man cares enough about you, he'll care about making sure you're comfortable with who he is and where he's at in his life thus far. He'll make an effort to show you that there really is nothing to worry about, because at the end of the day he probably just, cares about you. In order to truly avoid becoming the girlfriend no one wants to be around, you already know that telling him not to be friends with this girl and to stop him from liking her photos or talking to her altogether is the wrong way to approach this. While he may come to that conclusion on his own, there is a chance he will continue doing what he is doing because there really is, nothing to worry about. It may even come down to compromise, and simply telling him how you feel about this girl while taking the necessary steps to get yourself to a place where you feel comfortable again. Whichever methods you choose, be sure you are choosing them in kindness instead of in spite.