How to maintain small talk

Probably one of the most frustrating things you have to deal with, introverted or not, is making small talk with someone. Especially if it is someone you have just met.

It can be incredibly boring and feel like it’s pointless, almost as if you’re just filling the space with noise. But, despite that, it almost feels like an obligation, like you’re meant to keep the conversation flowing for some reason.

For me, this feeling is amplified whenever I’m talking to someone I’m attracted to or if I want to make a good first impression. There’s that added pressure of wanting to portray myself in a positive way but without exposing too much that may not fit the nature of the conversation.

But one thing I’m beginning to learn is that small talk is not as intense or complicated as it is made out to be.

And while it can be hard to converse effortlessly, especially if you’re someone like me who can be quite shy at times, with enough practise you’ll be able to have more confidence when approaching small talk.

One of the most helpful tips that have helped me is to speak your mind.

Think back to when you were a young child, like 6 or 7, and you had met another new child on the playground. Chances are you won’t remember feeling self-conscious about how you came across or worried about your first impression. And that’s because you probably didn’t.

Children make friends so easily and I believe that part of the reason behind this is because children are able to speak their minds to one another. And in doing so they share a part of who they are which opens the door to understanding, allowing them to find common ground easier and faster.

I believe that applies to teenagers and adults as well. Humans are a generally very talkative species and when we feel as if we are running out of things to say in a conversation, in reality, our mind is constantly generating hundreds of thoughts at a time.

Sometimes not all thoughts are appropriate to say at the moment though. For instance, this tip will probably do you a lot of harm if you are talking to someone who is recently suffering from loss and you suddenly bring up something like Host Migration.

However, in most friendly conversations, say what’s on your mind instead of hesitating because you feel it may be a bit too forward or too revealing.

Normally when talking to someone new, our go-to tactic is to ask a lot of questions and for good reason too, it shows that you’re interested in the person you are talking to.

However, asking too many questions can make the other person feel uncomfortable and tense which can make for some awkward interactions. It goes from a conversation to an interrogation.

A good way around this is to use their answers as a way to expand upon your own interests. For instance, say you ask someone, “What do you like to do as a hobby?” to which they reply, “I like to play the guitar.” Instead of saying,” That’s cool”, you could say, “Oh wow, I used to play the piano when I was younger, I didn’t like it that much though because my teacher was rude so I didn’t play for long. How long have you been playing for?”

It’s okay to ask questions but make sure you try and expand on their answers. This can easily lead to different topics and keep the conversation going longer.

Try to keep your questions open-ended. Avoid asking too many questions that can be answered with one word like, “What’s your favourite colour?”

There’s a lot more I could talk about this topic but for the sake of keeping this post short, I’ll leave you with one more important tip.

And that is you don’t have to entertain conversation with every person you come into contact with. If it is someone like your boss or a potential partner then it’s good to put effort into your conversation. But if it’s someone you’ve just met through a friend of a friend and you find the conversation is not flowing, despite you trying your best, then it’s okay to not engage in that conversation and walk away, politely of course.

Society pushes the narrative that you have to indulge in every single interaction you have in life but in reality, you don’t have to, especially when nothing of substance is being talked about.

Remember, be yourself, practise and don’t overthink it.