How To Handle His Friends Hating You

One of the most painful relationships I've ever had was when I dated a guy who we'll call Joe. At this one concert venue I used to enjoy, Joe was the most popular guy in the club. This was partly because he was a "pretty boy," and also because he was exceptionally charming and socially adept.

Dating him was insanely difficult, primarily because his friends absolutely, positively, hated my guts. I regularly had mean comments from the girls, and would get purposefully ostracized by male friends, too.

The relationship went out in flames, and it was a messy breakup.

Despite it being a pretty horrible relationship, it taught me a lot about the role of a man's friends in the relationship. Here's what I learned about coping with friends who hate you — and what this situation tells you about your relationship.

Before anything, make sure that the people in question really hate you.

Not all relationships are immediately warm and welcoming. Some people are just naturally icy when you first meet them. They will often warm up or just stay chilly when they see you.

However, if you notice them scowling at you, refusing to engage with you, actively provoking you, or doing passive-aggressive things with you as a target, it's safe to say that you should be concerned. Moreover, if you notice that their initially warm response cooling off until it becomes icy, this should be a cause for concern as well.

A major caveat to look for is if they seem happy to meet you, but if your partner tells you that they hate you. This is called "triangulation," and it's actually a sign that your partner is the manipulator here.

Should you notice that it's your partner telling you that they hate you, you may want to break it off with your partner. This is an often-overlooked warning sign of an abuser that appears before the abuse happens.

Understand that there may be a reason you don't see to the source of the hate.

More often than not, a guy's friends will not hate you right off the bat. After all, it's really illogical for people to hate you outright without reason. So, try to piece together what it could be.

In the case with Joe, the reason I had a lot of hate directed towards me was because a lot of his "friends" actually wanted to sleep with him or date him themselves. They viewed me as a threat, and this was only confirmed fairly recently after his "best friend" became his most recent girlfriend.

With another friend of mine, the reason that her ex's friends hated her was because her ex was using her as "the other woman." Another one had an ex who basically had a smear campaign going against her because he wanted "sympathy points" from one of the girls in his group.

These kinds of situations can and do cause rifts between partners and friends. Take a look at the dynamics between him and his friends to figure out if there's any specific reason you can point out.

Determine if this relationship is actually worth staying in before you address the friends issue.

Personally, I've noticed that relationships that have friends who strongly disapprove of my partner are never worth staying in. I've also noticed that the relationships I've been in which had me as the "hated party" tend to fizzle eventually.

My personal opinion is that it's often not worth it — especially if your partner will not stand up for you, or worse, if your partner is the reason they hate you. Generally speaking, a dynamic that has these issues is not one that is healthy nor changeable.

However, at the end of the day, it's your decision to stay or leave. If you choose to stay, the tips below will help smoothe things out.

Enlist your partner's help in getting them to like you more.

Your partner should be helping you make friends with his friends. Enlist his help! Try to find out why they're being so icy towards you. Ask him what they like, what would help warm them up, and what you can do to better make the situation amicable.

A good partner will do what he can to make sure that all parties get along with one another. If that means being a mediator, then that will be what he does. If that means standing up for you, that will be what he needs to do.

In most cases, you won't be able to win over his friends without the help of your partner. After all, they are his friends and if he doesn't want to smooth things out, they will have no reason to want to be more accepting of you.

If you notice that his friends are really unhealthy for him, you might want to get him to distance himself from them.

One thing I've learned over the years is that toxic people tend to hate seeing their friends in healthy relationships. If you notice that his friends regularly hit him up for money, have problems which seem suspicious, or are overall miserable people who treat him poorly, you might want to bring it up to your partner.

If you show your partner that there are healthier friendships out there, and if you help him cultivate those friendships, then he will likely drop his friends of his own accord. This may actually be better for him in the long run, even if you two don't stay together.

However, it's worth noting that this can backlash and can actually be an abusive move on your part. If he doesn't want to avoid his friends, you shouldn't force him to do so. If you isolate him without helping him meet new people, you're also being abusive. People need friends outside their relationship!

Trying to twist his hand into it will only come off as abusive — because if he doesn't want to do it, it is abuse.

If his friends are way out of line and are not being the least bit civil with you, it may be time to issue an ultimatum — or walk away.

Your relationship may be one that is healthy, but if his friends are way out of line with the way they're behaving, you need to put your foot down.

For example, if they hit you, insulted you to your face, stole something from you, or refuse to even acknowledge your presence when you try to talk to them, it's time to get assertive.

You need to understand what your partner's actions are saying at this point. If your partner is not doing anything to stop this behavior from happening, he's complicit in disrespect, and you should walk away.

If they are putting the moves on your partner in front of you, it may be time to ask him to make a choice between you and his "friends." After all, they're showing that they have no issue messing up your relationship with your partner — and it's up to him to put his foot down.

If you have direct evidence of them trash-talking you, confront them about it in your partner's presence.

Confrontation isn't always the best move, but if what they said was truly hurtful, vile, and disrespectful, it's 100 percent warranted. The key to doing this is to be civil, and to have a partner who will have your back, too.

Tell them, "Look, I heard that you said X, Y, and Z about me. That was incredibly hurtful, and I just want to know why you would say that about me. I've always been respectful towards you, and I didn't deserve that kind of vitriol."

More often than not, opening up a civil dialogue with your supportive partner next to you will help you get a better idea of why they are acting this way with you. It also will show them that you are assertive and won't take disrespect from his friends.

In certain cases, it also can help you determine whether or not you should break things off with your partner. For example, if your partner didn't stick up for you, you have to wonder if this is the kind of character you want to be with when things get tough.

Remind yourself that you're dating your partner — not his friends.

At the end of the day, the only person whose opinion matters in this is your partner's. They can hate you all they want. All you need to do is refuse to hang out with them, and there's not much that they can do.

If your relationship is a healthy one, explaining that you'd want to hang out with your friends while he hangs out with his will not be an issue. Keep doing you, and don't let the haters get you down.