How to Get Rid of a Crush
A Six-Step Foolproof Plan I Have Tried Several Times to Get Rid of Those Annoying Little Butterflies That Ruin Platonic Friendships
Crushes. Everyone has them. From the boy that lives across the street to the stranger you brushed hands with on the subway going home from work. They're romantic, they're positively perfect, they're everything you were looking for.
The person, not the crush.
And thus, the inevitable occurs, when fear wins and the crush is never revealed. Romance dies, fate wins, and that's the end of the story.
You may be saying, "No! Say it isn't so." But you're not here to hear about how some crushes end up being relationships, and some of them end up lasting more than a couple months. But let's be honest. Crushes are annoying when they don't go anywhere. Those butterflies in your stomach start to give you indigestion, and you can't even enjoy taco night because you're thinking about them too much.
No, you're hear my foolproof strategy to get rid of a crush. Prepare yourself to be amazed by "Anya Leigh's Completely Foolproof Tried n' Tested Method to Get Rid of Crushes, Universal Across At Least Four Cultures and Recommend by Your Dermatologist, She Says This Much Crying Is Ruining Your Skin."
Step One: Admit you have a problem.
Crushes are nice. They lead to relationships in some instances and frustration in others. But sometimes, they're just not healthy. Here are some general rules on problematic crushes.
- If you have a crush on Tom Hiddleston, you have a problem
- If you have a crush on Chris Evans, you have a problem
- If you have a crush on Sherlock Holmes, you have a problem
- If you're convinced you never, EVER had a crush, you have a problem
- If you've had the same crush for two to six weeks and still haven't done anything about it, you have a problem.
67 percent of scientists agree that 45 percent of teenage girls that have a crush on a fictional character before the age of sixteen and a half end up blogging about it as a side job. Don't sweat it, we're learning together.
As for the last one, I'm imperfectly serious. If you have a crush, do something about it, especially if you're the guy. Yes, you will be shy and stumble over your words. Yes, you will look like a complete idiot in their sight. Yes, they may reject you. Yes, if you have not talked to them about it yet, you don't like them enough for a relationship.
Step Two: Identify the problem.
I'm going to immediately backtrack and say that you may have several reasons for not telling someone you have a crush on them. They already may be in a relationship or just recently got out of one. You may have bad experiences in relationships and don't know how this one would turn out. You may be busy with other things, like school, and wouldn't have time to spend on them. If you fall into these categories, step out right now and just enjoy the humor in the remainder of this post.
The rest of this post is dedicated to the people in this category of crushes:
Well, I just don't know if he likes me back. He's so cute, he's so funny, I really think we would be good together. He's someone I could spend the rest of my life with. But I also don't know if I'm ready to make that commitment, or--
Okay? Okay. So you're that person. Your problem is that you don't have the guts to admit you have a crush on them. This can go one of two ways: admitting your feelings or extinguishing them. Step Three will decide.
Step Three: Compliment them.
Before you unanimously vote to throw me in an insane asylum, hear me out. Compliment them—like a bro.
Here are some examples:
- Dude, your hair is on fire today!
- Bro, you are rocking the leather jacket!
- Oh my goodness, did you get a new tattoo? Man, that looks so cool!
See the pattern?
Like a bro.
By complimenting them, you get to know them and establish a basis for a relationship where you think highly of them. Whether or not this eventually evolves into a romantic relationship or just a platonic one, you'll get to know them on a more personal level.
Now, don't just do fly-by compliments. Yes, it's fine to do the passing compliments when you're late for class but see them on the sidewalk. But you aim with complimenting is to start a conversation, even a short one. Don't make an effort to look prettier or sound wittier. Be yourself. Save the level up for the next step.
After a week or two of complimenting like a bro, you're ready to move onto stage four.
Step Four: Analyzing the Relationship
Step back. Get a cup of tea if it's late at night. Get a cup of coffee if it's really late at night. Think about the conversations you shared with your crush. Do you share common interests? What does his laugh sound like? How does he treat his friends? How does he treat strangers? How does he treat you, an aspiring friend?
All that in mind. Do you really want to be in a relationship with him?
At this point, you have done your field study, you've written your research. You know if he's the nice guy you've constructed in your head for days upon time. You know exactly what real qualities about him you like. Some things, you may like. Some, you may not like. Don't compromise, my friend.
If you've decided you don't want to be in a relationship with him, read the next step. If you want to continue, jump to step six.
Step Five: Recovery
Even if you make a conscious decision to not have a crush on someone, it will still take time until you're fully over it. As someone whose last name is statistically likely to be Smith said, "Give it a month to break a habit. Make a strategy for getting over it."
You can make a point to think of something else whenever a thought of him comes into your mind (this is tedious, but SO worth it).
You can engage yourself in something that keeps your mind busy (Do that thing that you lose track of time when you're doing. It's writing for me. Ironically, in this setting, I'm still thinking about crushes.)
You can make a point to still be friends with him with the conscious decision that you're not going to be in a relationship with him. Don't avoid him.
After a month or so, you should be good.
But you'll probably have another one.
:) Happy travels
Step Six: Initiation
Standing up for what you believe against all odds is one of the most difficult parts of the human experience. Perhaps you have little evidence for success. Perhaps your friends think you're chicken. Regardless, you have a claim and reasons for your claim. Work on that.
I'm not going to tell you a step-by-step process for how to initiate a relationship. If love followed a step-by-step process the same for everybody, I would not be here blogging about how mind-boggling it is.
Here are some tips.
- Be yourself. Be who you will be in the relationship.
- Do something you love beforehand, and interest or passion. (As stated in Step Five, for me, that's writing. No, I do not initiate crushes with every blog post. I'm afraid I'm not interesting enough for that)
- It's okay to be nervous. That means you like them.
- Give them time to think. They may need a couple days to analyze you, too. That's okay. You took two weeks.
- Look nice. Take a second to put on a t-shirt that isn't stained and those jeans that you bought pre-tore (pre-teared?)
There's the chance they'll say no, obviously. This is a two week, six step plan to get rid of crushes. The other alternative is to tell them straight up. That'll get rid of the crush effective immediately.
I hope you have been helped. Crushes are fickle things, and they don't get easier when you get older. They get more frustrating, because now you're actually past an appropriate age to get married, and the weird aunts are starting to get irritated.
But hey, you can always join me blogging about it.